Pathetic

Dear, Bubbles

To me Christmas is not the most wonderful time of the year, and there is no "New year new me!" kind of bullshit. It's just a constant reminder of hey you lost your daddy a week before Christmas. Hey you got sexually harassed for months and didn't know till after new years. Or better yet you lose your daddy again two or three months after new years. And finally what takes the fucking cake... is losing your two so called best friends AND your boyfriend right before Christmas break.

So, honestly fuck Christmas and fuck new years. They're just another day to me, just another reminder of what I lost with such little effort. Sure I'm home away from the life I've created on campus, but I'm alone and I'm alone with my thoughts. I'll get random memories popping up about things I don't want to think about. Dreams get vivid. Ptsd episodes spark and all I smell is cigarettes, or I'll start missing him even a little and suddenly I'll smell his cologne.

I still find it funny how without fail I always fall into crazy men's traps. From the very moment my daddy issues began I was fucked. I don't see the signs of manipulation as quickly with men who seem to be interested in me. Or I do and just ignore it. And better yet apparently I've dealt with so many crazy men or potential stalkers that at one point my own best friend admitted she wasn't surprised, she did not help me, she did not care, and she did not realize how scared I really was when yet another male attempted to harass me.

This is what it's like to be a small petite woman. Maybe not everything is word for word about every other woman's experience, but every story is different. It still shocks me how much she did not care that her best friend was potentially in danger even proceeded to send me a thirst trap which was common for her to do. But I was so disgusted by my own existence, I felt sick that someone would take the time to harass me and send me things I didn't want to see. And someone who was supposed to be my best friend sits there ignores it, and sends me stuff that doesn't exactly make the situation better.

I wish I yelled at her for that.. I wish I said something more than just "cute, but no." Maybe I would have felt at least a little better. But no my over-caring ass decided against it. I mean it doesn't matter now but damn bro.

Imagine being so scared to lose your significant other.. you lose your best friend instead. How utterly fucking pathetic.

-Tomie Grayson