Never worth the effort

Dear Bubbles,

Some men aren't worth a damn to be honest. Some play, some love too little, some are selfish, and some are him. You know finding out the real reason behind a lie isn't always the best feeling. But the satisfaction you feel when he finds out you're fucking his friend is just godly. I don't think I've ever seen a male so angry through text as much as he was. Even better it took him a hot minute to figure it out.

Now I'm not saying me getting all close with the guy who just so happens to be my friend and his friend was a good idea. But.. it kind of just happened pretty suddenly. At first we agreed no feelings but by 2am that idea was thrown out the window real quick. But he's sweet and he cares more than my ex did. His actions match his words you could say. He saw that really bad anxiety attack go down, and he cared enough to ask how to calm me down.

But within the last few days of talking to him I've learned the truth about why my ex left me. And to be honest it hurts, but not as much as it would have two weeks ago. And I'll just say learning that he eventually fell out of love and that in the end he just used me for my body wasn't shocking, rather a nightmare coming true. The way he talked was so careless and cold just like in my dreams. But it's whatever he'll realize sooner or later how good I treated him, and unfortunately for him my tears aren't meant for him anymore.

I'd say being away from school has helped me move on, there maybe a small, small corner in my heart left for my ex but that's about it. He isn't worth the energy and time anymore. He wasted that effort for selfish things. Mad he didn't get sex so he moved on. I think I subconsciously knew that would happen. But my suspicion was confirmed when he got mad at our mutual friend when finding out our relationship.

I wish I saw his facial expression, I wanted to see how angry he was that his friend had full 100% permission to fuck me and we weren't even dating. Does that make me a bad person? To want to see someone's pain or anger, or a better way to put it; to inflict the same pain onto them that they did to me. I think that's a little fucked up of me to want let alone think, but I'm sure you and him could agree my ex deserves it. Doesn't mean I should take action on it.. but I want to more than I already have.

I don't get dizzy when writing these anymore, I eat a bit more than usual basically as I did before my ex and I dated. My acne is clearing up, and I've broken depression habits that redeveloped when he left me. And finally, I've deleted photos of he and I.

I've made progress and my dreams have reflected that, and he treats me like a fucking God compared to how my ex treated me. I just hope it all works out.

Yours truly,

Tomie Grayson