The realization

Dear Bubbles,

You'd think that now that I've found someone else the realizations would stop. Well, that's just not true unfortunately, in fact I come to more realizations now that I've moved one. My body was used. The signs of him falling out of love were there but ignored. Simple excuses to stop holding my hand, replies taking longer than usual, getting desperate for my touch in real life but then seeming so monotone unless it was sexual.

But moving along. He's gonna be leaving school for good now, doing his job full time and finishing school on the side how he wanted. I'm happy for him and I'm very proud of him. But while his life is going well mine is continously falling apart. A toxic friend transfered to our high school. In real time you know this in fact we've already had a very bad situation with her.

I lost contact with her months ago, less than a year I'd say. Last I talked to her she was doing well and I was happy for her but I couldn't be her friend again. She'd hurt me too much. The self harm and the genuine psychological damage I was gaining was too much to take anymore. Three years I had dealt with it. My excuses were always the same. "I'd hurt her too," "She had a rough life her behavior is normal," "She was there for me when I was bullied."

But when I saw her on Thursday I was in shock. I didn't know what to feel at all, it was reality hitting me reminding me I can't escape her. She'll always be there to haunt me, reminding me she'll try to control me again. Manipulate me. I can't say I was scared of her particularly but more so of the state of mind I was in.

People think it's fun being crazy but let me tell you it's terrifying. Never knowing whether or not you'll snap today, tomorrow, or any other day. Like imagine harming yourself so you don't harm others. And all because someone invalidated your feelings, made you their bitch because they had a God complex, or threatened to hurt you when getting in minor arguments with simple solutions.

But this time she truly crossed a line. Once again I've made the mistake of trusting her and trusting her with information that I shouldn't have shared. She messaged my mom obviously you know this because mom called you. I'm angry I don't know how many times I've said it but I'm fucking livid.

She knew she wouldn't be able to hurt me anymore the same way she did a year ago. So she decided to go for my mom? Too far. I've never wanted to smash the bitches face with a brick more than I do right now. She comes back into my life.. plays the nice girl act who has their life all put together. Always the case with her, "I'm doing so much better!" Month later we argue, stop talking, she texts me, I forgive, and repeat.

Three straight years of that shit, and I was close to going a fourth. But it won't happen again and I'm happy for that. She's truly lost my respect, and forgiveness. There's no more excuses for that bullshit. She was just out to get me at this point. Although there was no point in the first place.

My advice to anyone else who sees these letters, if you get out of a toxic relationship of any kind don't forgive them ever. It doesn't matter what they did for you, how much you loved or cared for them. It will always end badly.

Yours truly,

Tomie Grayson