Whywhywhywhy

Dear Bubbles,

I'm less than a month late.. but it's past the 7 year mark. It's past the 3 year mark. And it's past the 4 year mark. People wonder why I hate the holidays and my past is the reason why.

The 7 year mark represents the abuse my dad inflicted onto me mentally. verbally and physically. His abuse may have not been as vivid as it maybe for others, but it left a mark on my soul. The 3 year mark refers to the second time he left my life for good. After proving to me that I wasn't wanted or loved and after more mental and verbal abuse.

And the 4 year mark.. is for when I met my toxic friend. And for once it doesn't hurt to remember that, you already know she crossed a line recently. She doesn't cross my mind the same way she did a month before, I don't miss her, i don't love her, and I don't care for her. The excuses I've made for her have ran dry and cold, even though they were true and valid and even still are valid. It doesn't change her mistakes and the pain she caused me.

But moving on. It's getting hard again, as I said in one of my last letters my family is getting sick, my relationship with him is... complicated, and it's becoming routine seeing my ex numerous times a day. I cried today for the first time in a month. It hurts to get out of bed in the mornings again. I'm stressed, I miss my family, school is pissing me off, my body aches, and I can't seem to focus on really anything. I barely hear what my teachers lecture about, I barley hear my friends conversations, and music has become white noise.

Simple tears are falling down my face even as I write this. I can't even pretend I'm okay during school. Maybe for a minute or two I can but then I just go back to zoning out. He felt bad because he thought he was the cause of my sadness today. He felt like he was helping me and once he said what he said he felt like he took that away from me. Don't get me wrong it upset me, but it wasn't why I was sad.

I'm just so sick of pretending. I can only fool myself for so long before I run out of energy. I don't even know what is or isn't helping anymore. Once again I'm just living.

I can't think straight nearly ever, my anxiety tics have gotten really really bad and he and I seem to he the only ones who've noticed. Why is this happening? It's like once I catch a break I'm immediately thrown right back into the pit of fucking despair.

Why?

Whywhywhywhywhywhy

Why?

Why can't this shit just stop for more than two damn seconds let me fucking breath.

I just want to be held. I want to feel like everything will genuinely be okay.

-Tomie