Chapter six

Chapter six

𝟗:𝟏𝟓 𝐚𝐦

𝑰 𝑭𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝑳𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝑫𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝒃𝒚 𝑳𝒊𝒍 𝑾𝒂𝒚𝒏𝒆-- Chapter 6 of The Autobiography of Lola

Death...

That one thing I've studied enough for two months.

I know drowning can be a painful experience because you're there, beneath the water, inhaling but on the verge of losing consciousness. At that point, there's so much carbon dioxide in the blood, and so little oxygen. A chemical triggers an involuntary breathing because you're at the breaking point. 𝑵𝒐𝒕 𝒂𝒏 𝒐𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏.

I know getting run over by a car is not an option too unless it hits so hard you float in the air, and then you get smashed to the ground. If that happens and you still don't die, you might end up getting disfigured. Not an option. I want something slow, yet peaceful, something not crazy enough to make people throw up when they see me.

The thought of living as a sad, piece of waste with a disfigured face makes my heartbeat pick up speed, hammering against my chest like a beating drum. I continue in silence down the road without looking at Ayo and hope we both pretend I wasn't almost killed by a car.

My body is full-blown trembling right now; arms, legs, mouth, every single part of me is a mess. I hate my existence right now more than I've ever hated myself. If there's one thing I want; I wish I had never even woken up today at least, I wouldn't have to show anyone I'm a load of dirt. Who crosses the road with an earpiece stuck into their ears without watching the road?

𝑰'𝒎 𝒔𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒂 𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆. 𝑺𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒂 𝒘𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒆.

As the road stretches into an almost endless length, few cars rumble past us. I can't help but let my mind wander back to the girl that saved me. If that girl wasn't there, the vehicle would have smashed me into smithereens or ruined my perfect plan to exit peacefully without traumatizing  people. 

"What were you thinking?" Ayo says finally, his voice is shaky, full of anger. "Listening to a song in the middle of the road. God! That car almost crushed you to death." He turns to me and I wince.

Ayo is right. Getting hit by a car would hurt like crazy, it's almost the same with a gunshot to the head. I once found a gun in Taylor's shop (probably her brother's)  and there was nothing I wanted more than to use it, but so many questions rushed through my head. So many what ifs. What if I missed a spot and didn't die? What if I survive, and end up ruining my face then people would keep pointing: "that's the girl who shot herself in the face."

And so day after day, I kept searching until I found a much more easy way out, but even through my struggles of finding ways to leave this cruel world, I also stumbled on a page called: 'We save lives.' A pathetic website created to save lives. It's all a lie. No one is ready to save anyone. The comments on that forum said it all.

People trooped in to share their experiences with bullying, rape, rejection from parents and so on. When I read those sad tales, my heart sank and my eyes watered--

"I'm trying to make things work..." He shouts, cutting off my thoughts as his words sting. Even without saying more, I know what he means. Trying to be friends with during this moment will never make anything better.

Nothing can heal me or erase every pain... Maybe if someone stepped into my life earlier I won't be out here. When I finally decided to reach out to people on that 'we save  lives' forum, something kept me away. Doubts? Maybe.

But I should have let my doubts win. If no one got to see my story, Clara413 would never have written 'Killing yourself is a sin. You're selfish.' right under my post. What kind of a person would send that to someone contemplating suicide? I told my story but all she could pick out was me sinning against God.

I run my hand over my hair three times in quick succession and narrow my eyes at the road ahead. Did she even realize how hard it is to make such a decision?

Oh well, killing myself is a sin but does she know bullying is a sin too?

My heart thunders and I cross my arms tightly over my chest.

Killing myself is a sin but God let Seun hurt me continuously.

Killing myself is a sin but where was God when Kim betrayed me? Where was he when Taylor died? Where was he when Dad said awful things to me? Where the hell was he when mom stopped loving me?

Sarah tortured me for a whole year and instead getting what she deserved, I'm the one who almost got crushed by a car. It's not a sin to want out.

"Lola..."

"Did you go back?" I blurt, nodding towards Cups and Saucers. "You went back there to see her? Apologize on my behalf, ehn?"

He scratches his forehead and that explains what I need to know. I take a long breath, closing my eyes for a moment as the watery rays of light warms my skin. It's hot. Everything is hot; my neck, my stomach, even my head feels like it'll explode anytime.

I stagger forward but I stop then bend and rest hands on my knees. My chest rises and falls with my rapid intake of breaths.

"Tell me what to do—"

"Do nothing!" I shake as I feel my legs weaken. "You did nothing in the past. You were nice to me once then you changed. It was hard for me to process why... why you kept your distance. But I got used to it. So, whatever this is... it needs to stop."

Once the words tumble out of my mouth, I feel like the little strength in me vanishes. I crumble to the ground and the concrete warms into my skin. Ayo crouches next to me and it's that moment an old woman in a white, big t-shirt that reads 'Winner' passes by but not before giving us a look.

Where was he when I cried as Seun hurt me over and over? Where was he when I locked myself in the room, reading through Seun's horrible tweets about me? I know Ayo tried to help when he could but it's not enough. It's too late.

"I didn't start talking to you out of the blues."

I laughed like a crazy person. "So you think being nice just two months ago isn't out of the blues? Jeez... you're... just leave, please," I blow a huge air through my mouth and count in my head. Doing this has stopped me from saying more to people in the past. "Leave me alone." When my eyes meet his, my chest sinks.

A deep frown forms between his brows. "I didn't know I'm being intrusive." He stands, adjusting the straps of his backpack and nods. Ayo retreats, heading back to the road that leads to Cups and Saucers and in that instant my vision blurs with tears.

Again someone abandons me, and it brings me back to that night Ayo found me crying. I told him the same thing: leave me alone. He did only for that night but afterwards, he kept coming back to defend me or just to talk and each time, I withdrew from him. Now, it feels wrong to snap at him or tell him to go.

What if he stops talking to me? I laugh, and block out the honking, talking chatting of people passing by. This must be the joke of the century. I don't even need friends now, what's the point? I hold my head in my hands and my emotion takes over. My face creases as I let out a small cry. It starts small but soon, it shakes my whole body. No one likes you, Lola.

As tears roll down my cheeks, sweat drips from the side of my head. That's when someone's hands wrap around me. It almost stops my heart.

"It was childish for avoiding you for so long," he sounds like he had been running a hundred meters. "I was wrong for hurting you. But Lola, I did this because of Seun, not because I hated you."

𝟗:𝟐𝟗 𝐚𝐦

SEUN clenches the steering wheel even though he has killed the car's engine. How dare she? The Lola he knew would crumble at his feet just by his presence, but there she was, standing next to Ayo like he was her knight in shining armor. Ayo stole her away from him and as much as it sounds crazy, it's nothing but the truth. For months, Seun knew Lola's attention was divided and she was never really dedicated to their relationship.

Whenever Ayo walked by, Lola followed him with her gaze. "Oh, Ayo has a small tattoo on his chest, you should get one too."

"Ayo plays basketball. Why don't you play?" "Stop fighting with Ayo, he's nice and he's your brother."

Ayo, Ayo, Ayo. When did she ever focus on what they shared? To make matters worse, she ended their relationship and to get away from him. 𝑵𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓. Seun did everything for her, stood by her when she was new in Stone Valley high and those times Ayo wouldn't even look at her, so why was she crazy about him?

Ayo is everything Seun wishes to be. Someone who didn't care about rules but he can't be like his twin, he would rather be the good son and follow his father's footsteps than go for his dreams. Dreams are for time wasters like Ayo, not Seun. The rule is to go to college, join his father's Investment firm, and become a real man just like his father.

Comparing Ayo to him was the mistake Lola ever made every time.

"Dude," Garry interrupts Seun's thought. "You okay?" Garry tilt his head with raised brow.

"That bitch," Seun grits, closing his eyes as he takes a harsh breath. How can she be so calm after threatening her this morning with the locker stuff and the text message? Isn't she afraid of him anymore? "Did she see picture in her locker?" Seun blows air through his mouth, the air around getting warmer as he imagines losing his grip over Lola.

"I'm sure she got it," Garry pats him but jerks away when Seun pushed his hand.

"She should be afraid of me!" Seun barks and slams his palm on the steering at the same time. This earns him the keep-it-together look from his best friend. "The pictures will be out today." He says, his face losing the proud smirk and is replaced with a twisted kind of smile.

"Dude, you sure?"

"Yes," Seun says.

"But today?" Garry tugs at the sleeves of his shirt still raising his brow. A momentary rush of satisfaction fills his chest: If someone like Garry is bothered about his plans then it's a good one.

"Yea, today. Let's go."

They are about to step out of the car when Mrs. Ellen and Lola's mom strolls out of the school. Normally, Mrs. Ellen threads between the cars to catch students loitering or trying to sneak out but Lola's mom must have taken that chance away from her. Both boys duck behind his car.

"Mrs. Ellen probably called Lola's mom," Garry says, keeping his head low. "Do you think the principal told her about the locker?"

Seun waits, wondering what Lola's mom will she say when she finds her daughter's pictures and videos online? He smiles. They both wait for Lola's mom and the principal to leave then he turns to Garry to say, "Perhaps she needs to know her daughter is a slut."