debolezza

[ Crudus Homocida ] "Good job, you drove your brother away !" [ Akïla ] "When are you going to leave me alone ? I needed you before but I don't need you bothering my life right now !" [ Crudus Homocida ] "You need me ! Accept it !" [ Akïla ] "No ! You're a dead me I made up because the world is a horrible place ! Now my brother is gone !" [ Crudus Homocida ] "Isn't it better that you're alone ? No one loves you anyways." [ Akïla ] "Of course ! You don't give a shit ! You don't have feelings, you're DEAD !" [ Crudus Homocida ] "You always ruin everything ! The second I think you're becoming the way you're supposed to be- YOU BECOME A COWARD AND BACK DOWN ! Come on don't fight yourself ! ACCEPT ME !" [ Akïla ] "Screw you ! I'm not a coward ! Get out of my head ! GET. OUT !" "What's with all the screaming chica ?" Xan walked into my room, yawning. "Nothing. Go back to sleep." "Well, you woke me up. You've got some explanations to do." I turned my back to him and sniffed, "I'm sorry that you're awakened but I'm kind of in the middle of a mental breakdown. So it'll be nice if you go back to your room and pretend you didn't see me." "No, no. What happened ? Tell me." "Argh not again ! I don't want to and I don't need to tell you anything !" I shouted. "I'm not leaving until you tell me why are you talking and screaming at 4 am in the morning." He crossed his arms and sat down beside me stubbornly. "You make me wanna rip my hair out, ya know ?" I glared at him. "I know. That's why you love me." He blew me a kiss. I rolled my eyes and sighed. "I was talking to myself... Crudus Homocida...I thought I got rid of her, and I thought she was helping me... but turns out I was wrong..." "Deep breaths, chica." he rubbed his hand on my shoulders, trying to make me feel more relaxed. I strained my lips into a graceful smile, "In the back of my head I knew she'd win, so I let her take over me. I couldn't care less after everything that had happened. I knew this is wrong, but it's easier...After the day my sister died, I was numb. You probably didn't know, but I was plotting revenge. On everything. I don't even know when to start. And then my mother told me I killed her child, my sibling, when I didn't even know what had happened ! After meeting Asher, I thought I would be better... no scratch that- I'm still lost !I'm not saying all this to you to show me any kind of sympathy. I don't need that. It's because I'm tired of hearing 'I feel you' or 'I know what it's like' from everyone ! They don't know a fuck about what happened ! Just today my father shot me ! My family ! Do you hear me ? My own father wants me DEAD ! And I dunno what to feel... I know you and Asher got good intentions, but both of you can't fix me... That's why I'm pushing you all away...because when I'm around ? There's only darkness. Hell I'm tired of living and witnessing my darkness. I'm weak and pathetic. I've done enough mistakes that I don't deserve to be here... I don't deserve to be happy ! I just want to...not exist anymore. I'm tired." I closed my eyes. "Shut up ! Why are you treating yourself that way ? What did I told you ? Don't ever give up !" Xan shook me. "What if I want to give up ?" I asked, my eyes fluttering open tiredly. "I'll tell you what'll happen if you stop existing. Every closer friend of yours will miss you-" "I don't have friends. I am a loner." I mumbled. (literally me lol sorry to ruin the mood.) "Your mother may capture Asher and did the same thing she did to Sage. She'll turn probably turn him to an assassin. Or, you can stand up and fight till your last breath ! Because every time you stand up, you're getting stronger and stronger, every single damn day ! Giving up is not weakness. And I know damn well Akïla Ayala is far from weak !" I grabbed Xan and clung onto his strong body, seeking comfort and shelter. "Thank you, Xan." I whispered. "Don't thank me... I'm glad you're back, Akïla..." "Me too..." We didn't say anything. We sat there silently , on the cold wooden floor, but my heart is filled with warmth and strength from Xan's words.