Chapter II. Memories Under The Rain

I heard people talking downstairs. I have this feeling of wanting to open the door and to hang out with my family. I missed them. It is been so long since the last time I opened that door.

I forced myself to get up and went towards the window. The curtain is thick, that is why the light could not even visit my room. I used to love it but I am starting to dislike it.

Is it okay to open it? To let the light wander my room?

No. It is not okay. If I open it, that only means that I have already moved on. I should not move on. I am the one who is responsible for his death. I am the one who killed Samuel and there is no way for me to be happy.

"Clara, are you ready?"

"Just a sec!"

"You are going to be late, Clara!"

"Wait!"

My mom and my sister named Clara panicked. For sure, mom is going to drop Clara in her school.

Clara is my younger sister. She is seventeen-year-old girl who loves to study and never entertained boys. She is a lovely girl and we were so close to one another. She loves staying by my side and my heart hurts every time I remember how harsh I became to her. I pushed her away and told her things to make her hate me. My heart was in agony and pain that I could not even think carefully about everything, that I even hurt my family.

I slowly set the curtain aside and gave my eyes a little space to see what is outside. My dad is talking with our neighbor when mom and Clara appeared. Dad smiled said goodbye to our neighbor and entered the car.

I missed dad.

And the day is over. I stayed on the window looking at some people who were walking on the street. The sunset is so beautiful. The pastel colors are mixed and my heart literally jumped in happiness. I cannot remember when was the last time I stayed here to see the sunset.

It's been so long since the last time I did this... I think.

It is already 7 in the evening. I slowly opened the door of my room and glanced outside. I hear my dad talking with my mom downstairs.

"Are you sure about this, Fred?"

"Yes. You know I have been waiting for this for almost a year. My papers are settled and I only have to wait for my boss' signal."

"I told you I can't let you go."

"I will leave for work, honey. Nothing will ever happen to me."

"But what about your two daughter? They will be lonely."

"They won't. You are here. Please take care of our children while I am away."

I shut the door and slowly sat on the floor, hugging my legs and resting my chin on my knees. Dad is leaving. For work. We haven't had a good conversation for so long. I want to talk to him. To at least say good bye but I don't know where to start.

Now I feel like I want to cry and just sleep to forget the pain.

I am afraid to cry. I am afraid to feel the pain again.

I wrapped myself with the blanket. My back is in pain because I don't have anything but this thick blanket when I sleep. This will go away soon.

I want to see him again: I said before I closed my eyes.

There is a soft hand touching my cheek. I opened my eyes and I saw him smiled at me. Then I realized that my head is on his lap. I sat up straight and couldn't look him in the eyes.

I am seeing a lot of yellow roses and I am smelling the familiar angelic-scent. I am having a dream.

We are sitting in a wooden bench in the middle of this field of yellow roses.

"I can see that you are starting to have this feeling of wanting to open the door," he said. "But which door? Is it the door of your room? Or is it your heart?"

"Both." I said and looked at him. What his lips showed me was unexpected. It did not smile. There was no emotion.

"That's good," he suddenly gave me a smile. "I am happy you are starting to open it."

I played my toes as I raised my head and closed my eyes for a few seconds. This is just a dream but I feel like this is good than the reality.

"But I don't want to." I said. I am aware that he knew of what I meant. He could read my mind and he probably know everything about me.

A short silence wrapped us. I should not have said something to ruin to atmosphere.

"I should not have said that. I wasㅡ"

"What's he like?" He asked out of nowhere.

I was confused for his question and yeah, surprised at the same time. A warm feeling touched my heart the moment I remember the days I have spent with Samuel.

"He was very protective and kind. He would always come to me when I needed him. He loved me more than anything else and made me forgot all the sadness inside me." I placed my hand on my chest and feel how my heart race in happiness as I try to remember more details about Samuel.

He was a loyal best friend who never left me. Everyone in our school thought that we were in a relationship because of our closeness. When he confessed his love for me three years ago, I was shocked and did not know what to say because I wasn't expecting his confession. I thought he only see me as his sister because he was just like a sibling to me.

I was so honest and straightforward towards him because I did not want him to get his hopes up and will get hurt. I thought it was already fine. I thought he was fine.

Anton, the boy from another class asked for my help to get my friend's attention. Sharmene. He visited me at our classroom and even brought a snack one day and it also happened the next day. Samuel misunderstood the situation and distant himself from me.

One night, Samuel's parents called me because he did not come home for almost two days and they concluded that he was missing. I was so scared that Samuel might do something bad to himself. It was a rainy night. A cold night.

"Samuel! Samuel! Where are you?" I called him as I was running in the street and the rain won't stop from pouring. My feet brought me to the parkㅡ our favorite place. I did not mind the rain. A little mud stained my white dress.

And there, I saw him. He crossed the road.

"Samuel!" I called him and he stopped.

The street was so quite and only the noise of rain drops are dancing in my ears.

"Don't come near me." He said when I tried to cross the road. My own feet stopped on the first line of the pedestrian lane. He is standing on the last line and I want to come close to him. His body is soaked by the rain that his clothes are firmed on his skin.

"Samuel, let's go home!"

"Don't come near me!" He shouted when I tried to step towards him again. "Just go home, Hina."

"No, we will go home. Please. Your parents are worried!"

"Are you worried about me, Hina?"

"Of course, I am. Let's go home, Sam. Please."

"Do you like that boy from another class?"

"Noㅡyou misunderstood. He only asked for my help becauseㅡ"

"Really?" I don't know if he's being sarcastic on me right now. "Then why were you with him?"

"Listen to me first. As I was saying, he only asked for my helpㅡ"

"I don't want to hear your lame reasons!"

"Listen to me, Sam!" I shouted. I couldn't hold my tears back as I was trying to look at his eyes. He looked frustrated. There must be something else. I know there is another reason why he's being like this. "My heart is aching... seeing you like this..."

"Everybody's trying to leave me," he brushed his fingers through his hair. "When granny died, my whole world crashed. But everything went fine when you cameㅡyou made me happy." I can see the frustration and sadness in his eyes.

"Samuel.."

"My parents are going to be separated. They are going to abandon meㅡ"

"You did not tell me anything..."

"How can I tell you when you were so busy with that boy from another class?" His voice cracked. "You and those people who raised me... you are no different from each other. You are all the same."

"I won't leave you!"

"You will eventually leave me, Hina. I know." He shook his head and turned his back. My chest is in pain. I feel like a thousand knives were stabbed in my heart. Tears rushed down my cheeks. I had no idea that he was struggling. I really had no idea...

"Samuel!" I called him as I started to step forward. I want to apologize for being a bad friend. I want to hug him and tell him how important he is to me. He is the only one who understands me, who loves me more than anything else. I am a bad friend. I really am.

"Samㅡ" I suddenly heard the loud sound of a truck coming to me. I looked on my left side and I saw a light that hurts my eyes.

"Hinaya!" I heard Samuel's voice. He is coming to me. I was about to tell him to stay there but before I knew, he pushed me away with all his strength. My body rolled on the ground. I have no idea what's going on. My head hurts like hell and my vision is slowly getting blurry.

Four days later, I woke up in a hospital bed with some bandages around my body especially around my head. Samuel's name was the first thing that came out from my mouth. I couldn't find him. People told me he died. He was hit by a truck. When I heard those words, I locked myself inside my room and never talked to anyone. For three years, I couldn't do anything and cried over and over again until my tears have dried up.

Samuel risked his life for me despite the fact that I was not able to become a good friend to him. I am a horrible person.