Chapter 5 Resentment

Dear Diary..

It's Tuesday today and I'm Finally doing a transition for room 21. Not much has happened since the last chapter. It's the last week at school then we have two whole weeks off. I'm excited to get away from all the drama. However I feel a little sore, I'm my heart, It's my mother. She's always so focused on her work that I feel like she never has time for me.. She always has time for the animals and dad and all. But not me... the other week she said she would take me to the library. And she never did... am I not important to her anymore? did she only pay attention to me because I'm not the cute little kid I was? Or is it because I'm just a distraction?..

(later)

I was in the shower feeling hurt, Hurt because I finally realise what I was to my parents.

I felt the emotion and pain swelling up inside my chest and mind. And I knew these where not the voices in my head telling me this..

I cried silently so that no one could come running through the door. Then I looked at the glass pane next to me on my left side. I saw my reflection. In violence I cupped my hands and filled my hands up in water and thew it at my reflection. I took one look at what I was. And I KNEW IT! I burst into tears. i guess you're wondering why I'm so all worked up?

Me and mum where driving home. And I asked her this, "Am I a waste of time?" my mom said suprised like she got slapped in the face. "no! I don't know why you would think that". she said. I told her how I feel like she never wants to spend time with me. and that she's always tired. She starts making excuses saying all of these Accurate problems one of them was work. That's when it hit me.. It was all because of work. She told me why it was so important and I understood that! but... Why work full time? when she could be spending time with her own daughter?! on weekends she just lays on the couch all day just watching tv.. I ask her out often and she says "yes" one moment. And the next she says "no" or How about we go next weekend! I promise" and it never happened's!

I just stood there in the shower staring at my reflection..

my father had said long ago telling my mother he wanted a kid. Then I came along... my battle for life as a 24 week premeture baby

fighting my mother's eclampsia inside of my veins was a tough fight. but I lived..

and now...

....

I find out it was all for nothing...

the only reason they wanted a kid...

was for the sake of them knowing that they had one... I'm nothing more but just a Lonley picture frame on a wall just hanging there,

for the hell of people know I'm there...

I don't care anymore...

I don't care about my life anymore...

if this is what people are going to just "Have" me for? then no one deserves me...

I love my parents yes!

but I don't think they actually love me....

....