Chapter 12 - "Look Up!"

"Then I'll give you a reason to be selfish. Is this enough..." He pulled me by my wrist, making me face him. He cupped my face as I felt his warmth on my lips. It's a passionate kiss. It's full of desires. It's a kiss that tells you 'I'll be here so be selfish as long as you want. I'll be okay.'

I pulled away. "Why are you doing this? Can't you understand the situation?" I asked angrily as my eyes started to water. 'I don't want to let go but, I need to.' I thought.

"It's you who don't understand. If you're sick then, that's more than enough reason to be selfish! What are you so scared of? Hurting me?" He shouted as he came close wiping my tears with his warm fingers. 'Stop Saku-chan, if you continue this I might break.' I begged in my mind.

"Yes! So what if I'm scared of hurting you? You've experienced this pain before aren't you scared?" I asked as I pushed his hand away.

"What's more scary than losing someone without doing anything? What do you want me to do? Watch you die? That's just pure cruelty (y/n)..." He said as tears came streaming down his face.

I'm feeling weak not because I'm sick but, because seeing him like became my weakness. "Sorry..." I whispered. "I'm really sorry..." I whispered again as I looked down. Tears were streaming down my face. I can't stop crying.

He pulled me close to his chest. I felt his warm embrace. He's caressing my back. "Be selfish. That's a command. I don't take no as an answer." He commanded.

I nodded as a response. I felt safe. I never wanted anything so bad than to live starting that moment. I didn't care about the people. I just wanted this moment to last.

~~~

Ever since that day, I was back to my prison. I can't go to school anymore but, I'm not sad. Komori comes to visit me whenever he's free same goes with Liliana. On the other hand, Sakusa visits me everyday. There's also times where he'll sleep over, like today.

"Hey Saku-chan, are you sure you'll stay here?" I asked.

"What? You feel uncomfortable?" He asked back raising me a brow.

"No, it's just you're doing this every week don't you feel tired?" I asked.

"No. Why would I be?" He said as he pulled out a grape juice and Nintendo from his bag. "Shut up with the overthinking crap. Let's do the things on your list tonight." He smiled. I just nodded.

He placed two wine glass on the table. "I'm sorry we can't drink wine here so, here. We'll drink grape juice instead."

"Let's watch movies while drinking grape juice." I suggested as I smiled at him and he nodded. "Let's play Nintendo next time." I added.

He hid the Nintendo in his bag. "What kind of movie do you wanna watch?" He asked. 'I'm not used to this. Why is he being too kind?' I thought.

"Call me germ!" I demanded.

"What??" He asked, confused.

"I said call me germ. You're being too nice. I'm not used to it." He gave out a soft laugh.

"You really are something aren't you?" He teased. "I've never met someone who loves being called a germ as much as you do." He added.

"Well, I've never met a germophobe who fell in love with a germ." I shrugged as I laughed.

"Stupid." He said as he checked the possible movies on the list. I saw coco and pointed it.

"That movie!! Please!!" I shouted.

"Again!?" He protested.

"Yes!" I answered.

"Watching a movie you've already watched is stupid." He complained and I just laughed. He clicked the movie on the tablet and it started playing.

He was sitting on the chair next to my bed and I felt that he's uncomfortable. "Hey come sit beside me." I commanded as I moved to the side and patted the empty space.

"Okay. I'm only sitting here because I'm uncomfortable not because I want to sit with a germ." He justified.

"Okay, okay." I said as I put my hands up, showing him defeat.

A feint smile formed on his face. 'I hope you'll always smile like this.' I thought.

He flicked my forehead. "Stop staring at me, germ!" He said. That's when I realized that I was staring at him for a whole minute.

"Sorry. I was just enjoying the moment." I teased.

We watched the movie together. He's emotionless the whole time or that's what I thought. We're on that part where Miguel is singing 'Remember Me' to Mama Coco.

//Remember me.Though I have to say goodbye.Remember me.Don't let it make you cry~//

I saw tears fall from his eyes while I'm staring at him the whole scene. "What are you staring at, germ? You're crying too don't get me started." He teased.

"Yeah... I am crying too." I smiled at him. 'Will he cry like this when I'm gone?' I thought. 'I hope he won't cry.' I added.

"For even if I'm far away. I hold you in my heart....Know that I'm with you. The only way that I can be. Until you're in my arms again. Remember me." I sang skipping some parts on purpose, letting him know how I feel indirectly.

"I didn't know that germs could sing." He teased as he wiped his tears.

"You bet!" I answered back trying to hide every once of pain I'm feeling. 'I wanna live! I want to see him happy. I want to see his matches.' I thought.

"Hey, germ.. cheers?" He said giving me a wine glass with grape juice. I took the glass and clink our glasses. It felt like our first ever official date.

"Why are you still crying?" He reached out his hand to wipe my tears but, I wiped my tears before he could.

"Nothing. I just love Mama Coco." I smiled at him. We drank our juice and started talking about his day. He talked about practice and how he hates Komori for accidentally touching him. He was so cute. 'I bet this is the first time in a long time that he talked about his day like this.' I thought.

I placed his head to my shoulder. "Rest. It's been a long day." He just closed his eyes and nod. We slept on each other's embrace like there's no tomorrow.

(Y/N)' Mom P.O.V.

I was nearly home when I realized I forgot my purse at the hospital so, I turned the car around.

Ever since, (y/n)'s hospitalization Sakusa has been there. I'm a bit hurt for the child for he'll soon bear the same pain as us. On the other hand, I also feel at ease for my poor baby will also experience the love of a man other than his father.

I arrived at the hospital. I immediately ran towards my daughter's room. I saw her father standing outside, watching from the door's window.

"Hey honey? I thought you left." I asked. He turned to face me and I saw tears. "Why is there something wrong?" I asked as I peak through the door's window. I saw my daughter sleeping in Sakusa's embrace. It was such a nice sight but, at the same time painful.

"It hurts honey." He answered. "Why does it have to be our daughter. I feel bad for the kids, they deserve better." He added.

I hugged my husband. "I know, it's hard and unfair but, we need to be strong. It's just like the sun will always set and the moon will always have flaws."

We looked at the kids together. 'They seem happy but, for how long?' I thought.

Sakusa's P.O.V.

Weeks passed by it's still the same. I still visit her every practice and sometimes we'll get some fresh air together. We also play Nintendo sometimes to lighten the mood. However, there were changes on (y/n)'s behavior. I can see she's becoming quiet and sometimes insecure.

"Hey, germ!" I greeted as I opened the door to her room.

"Saku-chan you're here." She greeted back as she ran towards my direction while pulling her IV Drop.

"Calm down, germ. You might hurt yourself." I reminded. I walked her to her bed and sat by her side.

"I'll show you something." She brought out a flower from the cabinet, it's red. I examined the flower, that's when I realized it's a spider lily.

"Where did you get this?" I asked angrily. "There's no spider lily around here so, don't lie to me."

NOTE: Red spider lilies are bright summer flowers native throughout Asia. They are associated with final goodbyes, and legend has it that these flowers grow wherever people part ways for good.

"I asked for it." She answered smiling which annoyed me more.

"Don't smile at me! Do you have a death wish or something?" I shouted.

"Probably? Let's break up Saku-chan. I'm tired. I don't love you anymore." She said.

I wanted to get mad at her. I wanted to shout but, I shouldn't. I know where this is coming from. I know she's scared. I know it's harder on her part.

I hugged her. "No. You're overthinking again. I told you just be selfish. It's okay."

She punched me in the chest. "Stop! I said I don't love you anymore." She cried. "I'm suffering VHL syndrome. Sooner or later I'll lose my hearing or maybe my sight first! Don't ask me to be selfish!"

NOTE: Von Hippel-Lindau (VHL) disease is an inherited disorder characterized by the abnormal growth of both benign and cancerous tumors and cysts in many parts of the body.

"I love you isn't that enough reason?" I assured her.

"Let's see about that..." She started to remove her hospital gown.

"Hey, stop. What are doing?" I asked. She didn't even listen to what I said. She just continued to strip her hospital gown. Leaving only her bra and her shorts.

"Now, tell me you still love me." She turned around. I saw scars. It was so painful to look at, not because it's ugly. It's because I felt pain behind those scars. I felt her struggle to live behind each and every scars.

My hand moved to it's own accord. I started to caress each and every scar on her body. "Yeah, I still love you." I said as tears started to fall from my eyes. She's crying and I am too.

"Why are you doing this!?! You're a germophobe! You're supposed to feel disgusted!" She cried as I tried to dress her up.

I hugged her. "I am a germophobe but, with you..? I can't. I just can't. All those scars, I love them. It proves how much you wanted to live. It proved how strong you are. So, tell me why after all those struggles are you giving up now of all times?"

She just cried. "Soon, I won't see you anymore. I won't be able to hear you too. It'll be a world full of darkness without you. I don't want that."

"But, you'll still feel my warmth won't you?" I asked. "It'll be okay. I promise" I added as I caress her hair.

~~~

Everything went well, she felt more positive. Although, her condition is becoming worse. I'm in today's volleyball practice. Coach said he has an announcement to make before tomorrow's match.

"Listen up guys! I know tomorrow will be the start of the tournament so, don't stay up too late okay? I'll see you all tomorrow." He said.

"Hey Sakusa going to the hospital again?" Komori asked.

"Yeah, (y/n) needs me." I answered.

"Aren't you in pain too? Are you sure you're okay?" He asked again.

"Yeah, she's my priority. I can't lose another person in my life. I can't take. No, more like I won't make it." I answered as I packed my stuff.

"Just know that the whole team is here for you." Komori assured as he patted my back.

"What the f*ck? Don't touch me. Your germs are filthy." I said.

"Haha! Yeah, you're still fine." He teased.

I walked towards the hospital after that. I arrived after a few minutes and ran immediately to her room. I'm so excited to tell her about tomorrow's match.

I opened the door and saw that she's not in there. 'Did something happened while I was gone?' I thought.

I searched the whole vicinity. I looked for her parents. I saw them on the bench near the ICU crying.

"(y/n)'s mom?" I called.

"Sakusa, oh you're here..." She said in a soft tone.

"Where's (y/n)?" I asked. There's this heavy feeling on my chest. I can't get it off. I'm scared.

"The doctor told us that she could get her operation however, she doesn't want to take it. She said going into that operation will only kill her." Her mother sobs as her father comforts her. "We tried to talk to her about it but, she ran away. Please Sakusa make our daughter take the operation. We want her to live." Her mother begged.

I quickly searched the vicinity again. I saw her on the bench near the sakura tree. This is where we first met. I walked towards her.

"Hey (y/n).." I called.

"Is that you Saku-chan?" She asked, that's when I noticed that she's been quiet all this time because she's loosing her sight. "Come seat here." She commanded as she patted the available space near her.

I sat beside her. "Why are you here?" I asked as my voice started to tremble. I am scared. I don't know how to comfort her.

"I just wanted some fresh air." She smiled. "So how's your day?" She asked.

"The tournaments will start tomorrow. Watch me on TV okay?" I said as she leaned her head on my shoulder.

"Yeah, I will." She nodded. "Uhm, Saku-chan do me a favor?"

"Okay, what is it?" I asked my eyes are starting to water. I can feel her. I can sense her weakness. I don't like it.

"Smile for me please. I want to see it before I lose my sight." She begged.

Tears started to fall down my face. 'How can I smile knowing that you're in pain?' I thought.

"Please.." She begged again. I turned to her as I wiped my face. I smiled. It's the most sincere smile I can give for now.

She cupped my face. "Ahh, so pretty. Smile like this more often okay? I'll be watching" She said as she groped my face. I can feel it she can't see me anymore. She closed her eyes. "Don't cry. It's okay. This was meant to happen anyway. I was prepared for this" She assured.

"Yeah. I won't." I answered.

"Hey, do you know that you owe me something?" She asked.

"I do? What is it?" I asked.

"We've finished the list remember? Sing me that song." She commanded. 'Ahh, yes. I promised I'll sing her that.' I thought.

(Y/N)'s P.O.V.

I can't see him anymore. All I can see is darkness but, I can still hear him. Although, I can feel my senses fading.

I asked him to sing and he's singing.

"Track suits and red wine

Movies for two

We'll take off our phones

And we'll turn off our shoes

We'll play Nintendo

Though I always lose

'Cause you'll watch the TV

While I'm watching you.." He sang. 'He's not a good singer. If ever someone hears him they'll probably laugh.' I thought. 'But I love it.' I added.

He keeps singing while my hearing is starting to fade.

"Dumb conversations

We lose track of time

Have I told you lately

I'm grateful you're mine?" He sang. I just kept my eyes closed as I listened to his voice. It's calming.

"Hey (y/n) I love you..." He whispered in my ear. I smiled.

"Yeah? I love you too. Can you call me germ for the last time?" I asked him. I can hear his sobs and hiccups. 'Gomene Saku-chan, I'll let you go now. Sayonara, please be happy.' I thought

"Okay. I love you my germ." He said. 'Ahh, I'll miss that.' I thought as I felt the darkness embrace me.

'I'm free.'

Sakusa's P.O.V.

As I said those words, I felt her let go. She's gone. Tears cam streaming down my face. I can't help it. 'She's free. She's no longer in pain but, why am I crying? I should be happy for her.' I thought.

"In the end, we are just passing each other by huh? I'll stay here as I hold on to the pain your love left me. How will I be able to endure this grief?" I cried the whole time as the Sakura flowers rain on us.

~~~

The next morning, I came to the gym as scheduled. My eyes are puffy. (Y/N)'s parents are busy for her burial.

"Hey, you don't have to play." Komori said.

"I must." I said.

The game started and I was looking down the whole time. I can't sense the game. I can't think properly until I felt an invisible warm embrace.

"Hey, Saku-chan. I can finally fulfill my promise to watch your game. Look up! Volleyball is a game where in you look up okay? So, keep doing that." I heard her.

I came to my senses and as I looked up I saw Riku.

"Papa! Mama said I'll be your sky so, look up!" He shouted as he waved.

"Ahh.. yeah. I promised after all." I whispered.

'Whenever I miss you. I'll just cry secretly like this and look up like I always do. So, (y/n) watch me..'

THE END.