Dear father

I bite my lip, it hurts. Like, needles going into your skin. I slowly try to stand up, "Well, I have to go.."

"Hey! Wait, Rozal-"

I run home as fast as possible. My blood boiling, my veins pulsating, almost out of breath, "Fuck.. Why?!?! Why is he here?!?!?!" I think to myself whilst running. Arriving at the front door of my house, I try to calm my breathing, "In and out, 4 in, 4 out. It's going to be alright, let's just grab a glass of water, the piece of paper and head out."

I head to the kitchen, get a glass of water and gulp it down. Starting to slowly calm down my breathing I sit down on the chair next to the counter. I say to myself, "Why does life have to be like this..!!!! Why?!!! Why can't you just… Just let my last few months be calm and quiet!!!"

I put my hand on my face and sigh, "I'm lucky I don't have neighbors. I'd have complaints almost every day.. Do I really have to go out though? I mean, I don't want to." I stand up and walk to the door. I hesitate to open the door and I just stand there, in silence. My mind filling with thoughts, "What if I see him again? What if he hates me now? What if he doesn't ever want to talk to me again?" I stand there looking at the floor, "Let's just, not go…" I walk back to the kitchen and boil some water, put a mug on the counter and make some green tea. I put the piece of paper on the white marble counter. I walk over to my couch and sit down. Whilst I take some sips of my tea, I look out my window and think, "It's all what ifs. But, after all I've done I'm sure he would want me gone.." I finish my tea and lay down. Whilst I put my hand over my eyes, I remember what my father always used to say, "Don't let those bad feelings: anxiety, guilt and all that; take over your happiness, gratitude and your pride. Because, all of that can disappear in a flick of a finger, so never let that go.."

I look over to my table in the middle of the room, I stand up and walk over to it. I grab a white music box and turn it on and then connect it to my phone. I put on my, "Vibe" playlist and turn up the volume, my head filled with music and thoughts..

"Father, I never knew what you were going through and I never thought of asking how you were doing. I know I shunned you away but sometimes I really wish I just took that one hour out of my day to talk to you. I think I might know how you felt back then; lost, fallen, broken, hurt, empty.. It's quite amusing how life can be so sadistic, yet caring.." I say softly whilst slowly falling asleep.

"Hey! Hey Ro Ro! You can't always be dazzling around like this, you gotta have some fun in life!" I see a small boy running around and pulling my hand, his brown eyes staring at me with a warm smile, his darkish black hair covering almost his whole face and a black jacket around him that is bigger than half his size.

I smile softly and run after him, "I'm coming! Wait for me!"

I slowly wake up, my neck hurting like it got hit by a hammer. I sit up and put my face in my hands, "A dream.."