What Am I?..

My alarm goes off so I turn it off, last night I got no sleep so I have bags under my eyes. I get up and change then look into the full body mirror. Huh, I guess I only cut it to a short bob, not bad. I throw on a jacket not wanting people to look at the scars forming on my arms. I hurry downstairs and see a few empty beer bottles and one broken one stained with blood. My eyes widen and I start to tear up....what if he...not again... I hurry into their room and see my mother, passed out on the floor, she wasn't bleeding at all. Wait does that mean... I find my father and his arm is bleeding, "What Happened." His head lifts up and he looks at me, his emotions are unclear... but he hesitantly says, "I got drunk and broke a bottle and cut my arm. Your mother sugars were running low so she passed out..." My eyes widen and begin to tear up, I slap him angrily and yell, "ARE YOU STUPID?! SHE COULD DIE! WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE HER TO A HOSPITAL?!" I regret every word I said almost immediately. He gets up, face filled with rage. He grabs me by my throat and pins me to the wall, holding me by my throat. Choking me. He then screams...and I mean...SCREAMS, "HOW DARE YOU SLAP ME! YOU THINK IT'S APPROPRIATE TO DO THAT TO YOUR OWN FATHER?! DON'T ACT LIKE I'M STUPID!" He keeps yelling so many different things but I'm more focused on trying to not pass out myself as I'm losing my breath. He lifts me up again then throws me and my head his their vanity, It was a hard impact so a few things fell over.

I ignore the pain and hurry to my mother, I try to shake her awake but...nothing. I check for a pulse...no..no. I don't feel one...she's gone...I start crying, shaking, and the weird feeling is back in my chest. "T-this is all y-your fault...y-you should have called t-the hospital" That is all I'm able to stutter out as I begin to hyperventilate. My father walks in the room, "what are you talking about? She's fine see." He kicks her body trying to wake her up, but nothing. He leans down and tries to hear a heartbeat, "no...this can't be! THIS IS YOUR FAULT! IF YOU WEREN'T BORN SHE WOULDN'T BE SO STRESSED AND WOULD HAVE TAKEN BETTER CARE OF HERSELF!" I start crying more, he walks over and slaps me, "get out. You need to go to school." I stand up but I'm still shaking, I hurry to my room and try to fix myself up a bit then walk to school. I feel sick and...terrible. I start biting the inside of my cheek trying to distract from this mental pain I'm feeling. A few moments pass and all I taste is the blood from the open skin.

I see the only person I can trust, Chris. I hurry and run up to him, close to tears, then hug him tightly. He hugs me tightly and then lifts my face. His cheerful face has turned worried, "What Happened...why have you looked like you've been crying so much, and why is your right cheek red?" I sigh and decide to tell him...half of the truth, "My mother just died, I got angry and yelled at my father and he slapped me for talking to him like that.." His face looks extremely sad and worried now, he hugs me tightly again then says, "I am so...so sorry for your loss." I can hear him starting to...sniffle a bit? Is he..crying? I hug him back and we hold each other again and I honestly feel better.

He pulls away and smiles a bit, "I see you cut your hair, It looks nice!" I smile and nod, "Thank you.." His smile fades, "Why are you wearing a jacket...it's almost 105°.." {in Celsius it is basically 41°} I can show him...it will be fine. I take his hand and take him somewhere more...private. I can tell he's a bit confused so I sigh then say, "Please don't tell anyone..." He nods and I take my jacket off and show him my arms, looking away kind of...ashamed. He doesn't say anything and I peek at him and his hand is over his mouth and he's crying again...I hug him tightly, "I'm sorry...I shouldn't have done it.." I feel his arms wrap around me tightly, "j-just don't do anything too deep...please" I nod and once again we hold each other. This is like the third time, but honestly, I don't mind.

We eventually pull away and he says, "Hey...wanna skip today? I know it's only the second day of school but...I'm not feeling the school environment today" I laugh and nod, "Sure" We sneak out of the school and go to the mall, we go into Tot Hopic one of my favorite stores. I pick out an outfit and I walk out of the Changing room and head to Chris.

My mind is kind of flooding with different kinds of thoughts. Every guy or girl that has ever dated me has wanted one thing from me, my body. I used to be so feminine and I've always hated it, I feel...uncomfortable whenever I look at myself in the mirror. I don't like how I look at all, yet..when I tried on that binder I felt amazing. With this outfit on I feel..confident in myself. It sounds so stupid. It's like, I'm not comfortable with what I...am? I don't know how to explain it...maybe I should talk to Chris. I tap his shoulder, "Hey Chris...do you like being a guy?" He turns and pats my head while laughing a bit, "Yeah why? Are you not comfortable being a girl or sum" I'm not sure how to respond so I slowly nod. He gives a small smile and takes my hand into his, "Well, if you need fashion advice come to me, although you seem like you know what you're doing...hm...wanna get a full haircut?" I think about it, "Wait...what would this make me? What...am I?" He laughs, "There's a large variety You can be a Trans Male, meaning you turn into a guy and used to be a girl. You could be-" I interrupt him, "I think...I think that's it." He smiles and pats my head, "Haircut then?" I smile and nod.

Once the lady finishes the haircut, she is about to turn me around but Chris stops her, "Ma'am can it be a surprise for...him" He glances at me and smiles a bit. The lady shrugs and I get up, I want to turn around but I don't since it seems Chris has something planned? He pays for it and I almost kill him since I was going to pay for it...

I love it! I hug Chris tightly and thank him multiple times. There's this...weird voice in the back of my head though. It's very quiet so I try to ignore it, but it won't go away! It's so annoying. It's telling me things like, 'I shouldn't be happy, your mother just died. You're so selfish.' 'You look terrible, your father will be so disappointed'. The strange feeling is back in my chest again and I hold onto Chris tightly as I begin to tear up. He doesn't realize I'm tearing up so hugs back happily, I feel so...tired and he feels so warm. I could just...as soon as I close my eyes I fall into a deep sleep and before I do I feel Chris catch my body and pick me up a little bit.

Good Night Chris, Thank you.