Chapter 18

Deku stopped screaming at me with a look of pure hatred. Then he slowly left my room, still holding the knife to his throat and panting heavily.

I was paralyzed in shock. How did I make Izuku panic right now? What was going on? Was Deku gonna hurt them again?! I jumped up and ran into the hallway, searching for Deku. "DEKU?! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!" No answer. Just silence.

How did Deku always vanish without a trace? I really needed to find out, but I had other problems right now. I barged through the back door into my garden and let my gaze shift over the bushes and the lawn. "Deku?!" Nothing. He was gone for now.

I went back inside, slammed the door shut and slid down on it. I was losing faith in my little mission of getting Deku sane again. I explicitly apologized and swore never to bully someone again, yet it didn't work. There was nothing else I could do with words.

I wasn't a damn poet. So, actions, not words.

But not today. I was so fucking done with today. I had lost Izuku a second time and it hurt more than last time. Of course it did. I was a glorified trashcan back then. With the emotional range of TNT. I wished someone would slap me right now.

I sat at that same spot for about half an hour, burying my face between my knees, pulling my hair with one hand and occasionally wiping tears I refused to shed about my own mistakes. Self-pity was pathetic. If there's a will, there's a way, I knew that. And I'd find the fucking way.

-/-

>I forgive him. <

>Over my dead body you are. As long as I got something to say in this body, we will HATE him. And that's a fucking rule. <

>You can rid me of a body to control, but you can't get rid of my spirit. <

>… I'll find a way. Promise. <

-/-

When I came down into the kitchen the next morning, Deku was sloppily hanging in one of the kitchen chairs, eyes closed. I contemplated about waking him up for a second, but came to the conclusion he probably wasn't sleeping. If he had problems sleeping in a proper bed, how could he sleep in a chair?

I started making breakfast, when Deku opened an eye. "What are you doing?" "Warming steamed meat buns up." "Huh. I want one too." "I know." Deku hummed and closed his eye again.

Five minutes later, I slid a plate with a bun on it over to him. He didn't even open his eyes, he just vaguely reached onto the table until he found the food. We ate in silence, Deku keeping his eyes closed the whole time. He obviously wasn't in this dimension with his thoughts.

Afterwards, I cleaned the table up and did the dishes. Until Deku called out for me. "Kacchan. Hey, Kacchan, look." I turned round to see Deku leaning back with his chair so far, it was close to falling down. The only thing keeping it from doing so were the tips of Dekus shoes, which he had hooked under table.

His weird grin made him look like was on drugs. I almost laughed at this grotesque sight, but I luckily contained myself. "You're gonna fall over and that's gonna look fucking stupid." His grin just widened. "No risk, no fun." I snorted. "Who are you, the mad hatter? That bitch took enough risk to make time hate him. TIME."

Deku pulled himself up again and turned around on the chair, leaning onto the backrest. "Wow, Kacchan has literatural knowledge. Y'know, I wouldn't mind being him. He sure is mad, but all the best people are." I grinned. "You're the definition of crazy." Deku grinned back. "I prefer 'mentally hilarious'."

My grin was wider than the one of a damn Cheshire cat by now. "Or insanely creative." And Deku broke out in hysterical laughter. "What the fuck, Kacchan!" I just smirked to myself and put the dishes back into the cupboard. When I turned around again, Deku was standing face to face with me.

"At the very last, we are all mad here. I put up with you, you put up with me. Strange enough, isn't it Kacchan?" He traced my jawline with his pointer finger. ">Alice's Adventures in Wonderland< is my favorite story, because EVERYTHING is possible there. Even if it was just a dream, at least she could dream."

Deku yanked my chin towards him. His voice was just a hoarse whisper. "Alice could sleep. Dream. And wake up not dreading reality. My Wonderland unraveled to be a nightmare. And I don't have a way up the rabbit hole. Instead of every way reaching the destination when I go nowhere, I get lost in nothing. The white roses in my garden were painted red with the blood from my severed head. The changes I went through since this morning are irreversible and I'll never remember my name!"

This seriously scared me. He warped the story into his own with such distortion, I didn't know if he didn't maybe actually forget what his reality was. I grabbed Dekus wrist tightly. "Deku, you are not Alice and this is not Wonderland! Please calm down!" His eyes widened, then he relaxed a bit. "Wow. You said 'please'."

Dekus voice was calm and collected again, but the desperate insanity still lingered in his ashy eyes. He wound his wrist out of my hand, but he didn't bother putting more distance between us. Then he suddenly put his arms around my neck and pulled himself up to my face so close, our noses met.

"Maybe Kacchan, just maybe, I'm not crazy. Maybe my reality is just different from yours. So different that you'll never get it. Because your reality is Wonderland."