Chapter 50

Something hard hit my cheek and I sat up straight. My eyes shifted around until I saw Deku sitting next to me with a more than annoyed expression. "Fucking finally you woke up." I rubbed my eyes. "What the hell happened?" "You tried breaking my ribs in your sleep." He shot me a death glare.

I squinted my eyes. "Huh? How? You got brittle bones or something?" Deku snorted mirthlessly. "Please Kacchan. I'm pretty sure you could lift a truck, so breaking a few bones shouldn't be a problem for you." "Thanks?" I raised my eyebrows at his statement. He shook his head in return. "That was not a compliment. Go break your neck please."

Break my neck, huh… Images of my nightmare shot through my mind and I winced. Deku was irritated. "Why are you making sounds of a dying dog at being punched once?" I shook my head. "It's not that. I had a nightmare." He hummed, pulled his knife out from god knows where and started playing with it. The image of the weapon physically hurt me.

I covered my eyes with the back of my hand, not wanting to look at Deku right now. "Tell me, Deku, why are we even fucking?" He slid the dull side of his knife along his lips. "Hm. You see… The word 'love' alone can't depict actual love. To me, it's three different types of desire. The Greeks even had five to seven terms, but that's bullcrap."

Deku faced me, his hands idly lying in his lap. "I like to picture my way of seeing love in confession lines. There's 'I love you', 'I like you' and 'I want you'. In that order, you'll see why. 'I want you' is pure physical desire. A one-night-stand would be an example. If 'I want you' escalates, rape or physical possessiveness is the outcome.

'I like you' is deep sympathy and romantic desire. Like an annoying, squeaky teenage girl confessing her crush to her senpai. Heartbreaks and disappointment predetermined. 'I love you' is more or less the most painful one. It doesn't care about likings or attraction, it's simply the desire of one soul for another one. 'I love you' often brings 'I like you' and 'I want you', in that exact order.

'I love you' doesn't fade very quickly, even if none of the others follow. You can't escape it at all. It's horrifying when left unsatisfied, but the best feeling in the world when it works out. 'I like you' often brings 'I want you', but it doesn't always result in 'I love you'. 'I like you and I want you'-relationships usually don't last very long.

'I want you' mostly stands alone. No need for love or like, it's just lust. It usually doesn't result in the other ones. It doesn't last long enough. All of these types can create toxic and hurtful relationships, especially when the confession phrase wouldn't be the same for the two people.

You, for instance, love me. It brought both 'I like you' and 'I want you' for you, but things don't work the same for me. We're everything but romantic, since I absolutely hate you. Two options left open. But I don't even need you with me. If you'd die right here right now, I couldn't care less. So, if you wanna put it that way, I want you."

He gave me a smile that dripped with malicious satisfaction when he finished.

I didn't answer for a while, then I gave him a strained smirk. "Huh. Well, as long as you 'want' to put me to use for your satisfaction… I guess I'll be fine with it. I mean, all your chatter about 'decision for the eternity' and the fact that I am all fucking satisfactory probably means we'll keep going like this, right?"

Deku nodded softly. "Yeah. I guess we just can't stop using each other, huh? We're lacking sympathy. A lot of it. Love without sympathy can't be healthy. It'll all end when either one of us breaks. Either I'll go insane and kill one of us- Or you'll break from my nonexistent love for you. Oh how I love tragedies like this!" He chuckled quietly, but his words were coated with coldness.

I didn't know what the hell to answer, but Deku didn't even give me a chance to. "When I came here, I wanted to teach you to love tragedy. Tragedy is all you caused in my life and I came to like it. I wanted you to feel that too! Just for the satisfaction of your predictability." He chuckled again. "I'm so gluttonous. Well… THIS IS EVEN BETTER! You fell in love with me and can't seem to let go! I couldn't ask for anything more, really."

The insanity in Dekus voice was unmistakable. Usually, he was calm and collected in his sadism and his profanity, but sometimes he actually behaved like the psychopath he was now. And it was all my fault.

Suddenly, a question as inappropriate for the moment as the question in general, popped up in my hat. I shifted my gaze up to Dekus eyes. "Oi, Deku. Were you still a virgin before we re-met?" His eyebrows raised. "Huh? Well, to a certain extent. In the first months after I ran away, I had a couple of people using me for shit at gunpoint. But I never had sex on purpose before." Fuck, his story got even more messed up with every detail he added.

Dekus expression changed to curious. "And you? Were you a virgin?" I shook my head. "Nah. Had hookups with a few girls before, but that was hella unsatisfying." He laughed quietly. "Sure as hell tons of girls would have a crush on you. Too bad for them that you're about as straight as a double rainbow!"

I growled. "The hell's that supposed to mean?! You're pissing me off, nerd!" Then I averted my eyes with slight embarrassment. "Nobody officially even knows. Dunce face and shitty hair suspected it a few times, but I avoided answering. Pretty sure they guessed by now, though."

Deku laughed at me with a taunting undertone. I just stared off into nowhere, wondering if I actually still loved Deku or was just scared to die.

Somebody tell me…