4.Epiphany

"How many times....which one is it? I lost count"

"We are close to the sixth day."

A small chuckle came out of my mouth, mirroring my state of mind and body:exhausted.

"What are you saying again? All you do is spouting nonsensical evasive things I don't understand. I don't know how long I've been doing this, running around, back and forth after his ghost, but I know I did it for more than six days."

The image of my never ending torture popped back like painful unhealed wounds, telling me how many times I failed the simple task of tailing a single young Boy. Painful memories, that yet were at the time, better than the unimpressed face of that stupid snake. I wished to punch them, yet, out of a thousand times, never did.

" I know I ran for countless days. I saw the clock making so many complete cycles so many times, I couldn't count them at some point. Even when I stopped counting, the hands kept turn 'round and 'round. No matter how much I ran, how fast I tried in this endless cycle, all I managed to do, is see him die over and over again..."

I was looking at the ceiling, feeling trapped in a small cell - although it was so high, listening to the sound of the train entering once more into the tunnel, endlessly. My hair was wet of blood, a metallic smell I got used to after my -probably, 700th failure hanging on my nose. At least I didn't throw up, I stopped after the 200th time, too used to the sight of a crushed body, by then, for my body to react. It was wrong, a treason my body made without my account, an inhibition I didn't wish for, but still got either way, and honestly, that the worn out part of my brain desperately longed for.

"You Lied to me. All this is just an endless nightmare." I spat, all not as venomous as I wished it to be.

"I didn't force you in anything" The being said, not the slightest shattered by my helpless accusation. They were standing next to my head, looking down on me. Their foot seemed to never be touching the floor, as if nothing could ever taint them. A Unknown being looking at the reality from afar, unimpressed and unbothered by whatever could happened before them.

It was always the same comedy: a useless attempt of myself to hold the upper hand, and them, reminding me I just couldn't. I quickly gave up not in the mood to get into a one-sided argument.

"Right...It's never your fault...But you keep mocking me."

Once more I turned my head to the train who was still passing next to me. The vibration made my body tremble, so palpably strong I could no more think it was only just a dream. Even the blood, was jumping while circle were blooming on it's surface.

I stated again, voice cracked and low. I always ended up opening my heart to them. Talking in the air, a void that would listen to me anyway.

"No matter how much I yelled, how much I asked, how many times I tried to stop...even to talk with him..he didn't say a word..He just kept on smiling...what a joke. He kept smiling knowing he would probably die. He get smashed, crushed in front of me... Maybe that's it. You and Him. You keep on making fun of me, because I'm still here running. Aaah...I've gone way pass my limit so why doesn't it stop already?"

"Because you havent given up."They said,simple truth I wasn't waiting to hear. Unknown being sure didn't know how to comfort anyone.

"I haven't given up...aha.How stupid. "

"How stupid indeed...You don't make much sense."They simply answered, then crouching red eyes planted in min, blocking the view I was finding comfort in. They looked less distant, studying me like I suddenly got interesting. They would do it at time, sporadic interest given to me while cracking me wide open with their bloody eyes. It felt awful, I would become an animal in cage even more vulnerable then what I usually was. I tried to laugh, turning away my gaze, looking for another empty spot to hide my mind in.

"Ahaha! What's going on? Is the omniscient and omnipotent being getting confused over a mere human behaviour? What? You're not answering. Well I'm used to it now. You not answer to my questions."

I made a small pause, looking one more at the ceiling since they decided to get back to their prior spot, interest already lost in a far away place. Or more exactly I looked at my bloody hands.

"It's funny, I've long given up on the world and it's lies, way before I came here, I've given up on my existence, but I can't give up on him."

I posed for a moment, mind buried in sporadic memories. Until something came back.

" Thinking about it now. He might have talked to me, just once. He said he was sorry. I don't think we'll be able to see each other again. I think, that's what he said the very first time I saw him here. Even though I keep on seeing him."

My hands fell once again next to my body, still I could play the dead if I wanted to, I just had to close my eyes, yet I couldn't really with the unknown being curiously getting curious again. They looked like children, confused over what adult were doing.

"Why do you keep running? You don't love him like a wife would love her husband, like a sister would love a brother."

I shrugged my elbow. The instant was absurd, having a conversation while being soaked in blood, yet I considered the question, not sure of what answer to give, or if I actually had to answer.

"Who knows. Even I don't understand. Maybe I just love him as my friend. Maybe it's just as simple as that. But you probably wouldn't understand. "

They looked upset, slight change on their porcelain face I wouldn't have noticed if I didn't spend countless hours with them. That only, lived up my sour mood, just enough for me to consider doing it all over again."

Well, should we start once more?"

As I rose on my feet the curious being came at me,startling me in the process, and between us was the apple.

"In the world nothing happens without a reason. Therefore, what was bent to happened will always happen no matter how hard you try, even in your mind, you know, that's why you never could save him and never will."

"Then why you proposed to grant me?"

"You had many wishes, but now your wish is different. I can never grant you what you used to want. Because not once did you accept the opportunity I gave you. Instead you grew another wish. What do you truly desire?"

"What I truly desire..."

something sat in my belly, sure yet warm, apprehension of something I was trying to figure out. It took me time, a process of mind to pull back something I dumped in the depth of my brain.

" I want to save him of course... Are you going to grant me this? Are you going to give life back to the dead?"

"In the universe. Everything has a perfect order. Disturbing it, even the slightest bit, have a price. You can twist the plot, you can rebel but you'll have to pay the price for it, so the delicate balance will never break." They simply said, looking like the omniscient being he was, wise and balanced. Yet, did they know, in their greatness, how shaken I was? mind completely unbalanced, frail house built on sand shaken by an earthquake. I wasn't the one who could proudly talk about the stillness of my mental state, yet I never thought I could get any more disturbed.

"Wait are you telling me..I...I can actually make him come back from the dead?"

"He won't come back from the dead."

"Then what?! You don't make sense!"

"Once again you only hear what please you. The balance of the universe is perfect, maintained by all things and everything. Therefore nothing happens by mistake and everything is connected. Everything also means the death of your friend. To change this particular immutable fate, you need to pay an equal price."

"Then what is this price! Just tell me already!" I was losing patience, foundation drowning deep into the shaking sand.

"Why don't you think for yourself?"

"Because I'm only but human! I can't understand all of this, if you don't explain it."

"You do have it all. I disclosed the secret of the world. Are you ready to lose all you have ? Will you let the fanfare guide you? Will you abandon your existence?"

Suddenly everything came to an understanding. My head broke open, and the knowledge of the universes got poured in it, in a complex yet simplistic phase, flooding like lava and burning my existence. I could see the beginning and the end, the genesis to the Ragnarök of my existence, the world- end felt like nothing but a theory. Then I knew, all I wished, all that was needed to be done and I was undermined.

My mouth then felt tight, filled with something I couldn't quite gasp, yet one question came out.

"What are you?"

"I've been watching from the final stop all along.Biting in to the forbidden fruit,I was quite bored for a very long time.To you I'm like the snakes giving the forbidden fruit, because you hate me. The world often drew the worst enemy of the humanity has a tempting snake, and in your eyes I'm your worst enemy. Your nemesis who never left you the choice. Yet, to many overs I'm the time, the written words, the strings of countless colours. To many I'm the unshakable, what made them fail, what made them success, what got them connected, what would explain everything in the world. I'm an excuse for the bad, a blessing for the good. It's for me that people say "Everything is bent to be". I'm the one you refused to accept when it came to your friend, but are ready to accept if it has to be yours."

The being got back to the top of the imposing clock, only for an instant did they accept to look at me in equal position, but in the end they would always look down on me. In a way I accepted him, surrendered completely. However, I felt triumphant all the same. Because no matter what they thought about my pathetic self, no matter if they granted me this or not. I was the one who decided what would be my fate.

"Now child. shall your wish be granted. Go and break through the critical point"

"Fatalism is nothing more than a wild fantasy.Should I press my luck and destroy the structure of this world,right now?"