5.Bonzai

"So Eve, tell me more about your friend, tell me about that day."

The voice of the psychiatrist rose in the consultation room, clear and loud as the vibrations were bouncing on the white walls. She had a nice voice, that tall black woman with caring and gentle eyes, I liked her for that, only for that. If I had to listen to an unpleasant truth, I, at least, wanted them to be told by someone with a nice voice.

I looked at her in the eyes, a bit more exhausted than usual. The panic attack I had hours ago made me completely vulnerable, and more exactly a bit half-conscious for my mind to remember that looking at someone in the eyes weren't so much my thing anymore.THough the body never lie, it always remember at some point, no matter how tired our even high you are, problems always comes back. After two small minutes I was already fixing the shelf filled with books instead of her. On top of it were siting 5 bonsai tree small and generic, one you could easily find in any decoration shops.

As I was trying to keep my concentration on the small trees, I slowly started to speak, too tired to bury myself in a heavy and exhausting silence.

My voice was harsh, heavy with an overflowing sorrow, throat blocked by my overwhelming melancholia, and yet, it was sweet, full of tender love and affection. Frail voice of care with the slow pace of nostalgia.

"He....He was as frail as a fine porcelain.... Always on the edge of breaking. Like a leaf ready to fall on an autumn day..." To strong would be the breeze and to close was he to fall. Yet, even in his condition, he still always looked so happy, full of Life, a sun beam in the grey sky. Each second of his existence seemed precious to him, held dearly inside his long tan fingers. Warm and glittering.

In the greatest paradox, as I used to observe him, I always saw in his eyes a lost look, lost in a far and lonely place.

He was barely alive, but he was the liveliest person I knew. Always smiling widely, laugh clear like a bird chirp, heart-warming voice flower bloomer in your heart. He knew how to have fun, how to be daring, he loved to joke around, dance, sing, he knew everything that could make a crying person laugh once more. For that he was dear to anyone around him and I was no exception and although I didn't love him, although we didn't share the same blood, he was to me more important than anything.

However, it's a human nature not to realize what is important for us, how lucky we are, before we lose it.

I used to be just like that. Self-centred, to tangled in my feeling of entitlement to see how fragile my surrounding was.

Nonetheless, That particular day. The day I figured out the lies that sat comfortably in the mind of everyone, was a hot summer day. Sunny blue sky, on the day God made the first human on earth out of mud. I went out of my house excitement and joy sitting comfortably in my belly, dressed in purple and white, my wild hair somehow handled in a two buns.

I used to be genuinely Joyfully, dazzling in the sea of happiness I was born in, naturally floating in it. I used to be foolish and selfish.

Already in front of his house, I waived energetically at the friend I knew from birth. He looked pale, manhandled by the sudden wave of heat that struck the country.

We planned this day out weeks before, just after we discovered, on a lazy day, that our favourite animated movie would be on air in our city cinema. It was with hardly contained excitement, that we fought our soul to convince his worry-wart parents to let us go. We did a perfect plan, prepared the perfect procedure in case something would happen to him. However we didn't predict the wave of heat that lasted for a week.

We should have given up, waited a bit, watched it at home, on streaming even. It would have been all good, just us comfortably installed on a coach with home made lemonade. I was stubborn though. I told him, that since he was in great form for almost a month he could do it, that I really wanted to go to the cinema with him. He surrended nearly right away, to weak to fight my stubbornness.

"Adam..Hum"

"Hey Eve, shouldn't we hurry up? We will miss the train"

I missed the chance to ask him, if he was alright. I promised I had the intention, the words were just there, pendant from my tong.Still I refused to ask.

"No worry we won't be late even if we miss this one. Let's just take our time."

Maybe if we take our time, I would be just fin I naively thought.

My even hope arose, he was pale and slightly out of breath but speaking with full excitement, happy we could spend so much time outside together this last few days, he even thought his situation was getting way better, praising himself for being able to go out under such a heat while he could barely wake up years ago.

"If it wasn't for it, my mother would have never left me go out."

"I know right? She's such a worry wart, always protecting you from everything and nothing. I get why she is like that thou, I would probably be the same if I was your mother."

"I know. It's also because you are with me."

"We'll I didn't got the choice did I?"

"Common don't say it like you don't really like me."

"Oh I love you, but we were glued together from birth. Even our names link us together. No matter where I go, I can never run away from you."

"Does that mean we are going to do the first sins of the world and condemn humanity to suffering?"

I laughed, still happy, yet a small feeling of uneasy was sitting in me, growing surely and slowly. I ignored it.

"I'm not joking, it's a real philosophical question."

"Yeah, yeah right. Though it's embarrassing...Our names I mean. It's pretty but...You know...."

"I like them. Although I have to admit it is very cliche. Pretty sure our parents wished for us to end up together."

"Oh lord no. I could never! No offence, I will always be by your side but-"

"No worry. I know, anyway there isn't any hope with a person as fragile as me."

It hurt, arrow right in the heart. He would sometimes be like that, dragging himself down because of his condition.

"Common ! It doesn't have anything to do with it."

"Ahaha I know, I know don't fret. Ah it's to late. We missed the train"

There are many details from that day that I regretted, and missing this train was one of them. Of course, on that day, I couldn't care less, I didn't know, so I was just fine as we took the stairs to get in the subway stop, praising it's freshness.

"Damn I wish to stay here." I said, sitting lazily on one of the metal chairs.

"Honestly? Me too. But we didn't walk under this hellish sun for nothing."

"I knooowwn....Hey don't drink so much you are going to drown!"

"I need to drink that much or I might die."

"You won't die. I'm with you after all, I'm your lucky charm!"

"Ahaha, yeah right."

His eyes were looking to a far location once again and he looked like he got elevated into another universe not anyone could reach,. It was always like this, I never could get used to it. It felt a bit lonely.

The squeaking of the subway wheels on the rails echoed from far in the tunnel, followed almost instantly by two points of lights.

I stood up, putting back my skirt correctly and my bag back on my shoulder. Adam did not stand directly, panting a bit.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I thing the change of temperature got my body a little confused.. I'm fine, It'll pass. Don't look at me like that. I'm ffiiine."

The bell announcing the departure rung, forcing us to run on the relatively crowded train.

The temperature rose quickly, letting little air left to breath as people were packed in the wagon. I was holding on a bar back on the subway door with Adam a few centimetres from me. He was taller than me for at least 20 centimetres, I therefore had to painfully lift up my head. He looked in bad shape, he had hard time in closed place like those.

I started to regret my decision seriously.

"You look awful..You know what? Let's go down on the next stop alright?"

"No, No...I don't wanna ruin anything ...again... I just feel a little sick. We are not so far right? There's only three stop left, and it usually gets emptier on the next-"

The train suddenly stopped, shaking and making everyone fall onto each other, the creaking sound strident and mixed with people yelling and the sound of panic.

"Adam!" I instantly yelled, heart starting to go crazy because of fear. He had a frail body, a frail mind, a frail heart a frail everything. He was porcelain. Shock like that were really bad for him, and it shown instantly on his face. He looked blueish,desoxigenated while he was breathing heavily hand holding his black t-shirt.

"It's alright Adam don't worry, take deep breath."

"I'm...I'm..trying but...it's painful , I feel oppressed. I need to go out of here."

"Alright we'll, it might just be a slight problem. We'll get down at the next stop. Don't panic"

"Ah..aha...you are the one...panicking"

"Don't waste your breath please.

The light turned completely of, We were in the complete dark , people were shouting, and a mass movement of fear and panic began. We were stuck in a tunnel, a closed environment filled with the smell of sweat and fear. Anxiety and anger growing in people head, they released them like bad pheromones.

I realized we truly were animals.

"Adam? Adam? Are you fine?"

He was leaning on me, heavy panting near my ears.

"Sorry for the inconvenience, we are struggling with a accident ahead of us. We are doing our very best to fix the problem. We ask you to be patient and please keep your calm."

Anger and Annoyance then rose, but it didn't matter to me anymore. After the driver announcement, I realized we wouldn't be able to get out of the oppressive environment we got stuck in.

Gradually all I could hear was Adam Breathing rhythm getting slower and heavier.

"Aah I spoiled...everything again."

"What...What do you mean? You didn't do anything. We will be out soon so shut up. Keep your breath."

Keeping my voice still was harder then I thought. I felt like shaking, and my throat felt Tight and painful.

"Ahaha....I...feel dizzy....I'm a bit tired. Let me sleep on your shoulder for a moment. "

"What? no don't ! Stay awake! Do you understand?"

Not being able to see him fully was getting me more anxious. There was nothing I could do. No reception, no place for him to sit.

"Adam. Let's take you puff. I don't know if it's going to help but it's better than nothing. Adam. Adam? Hey."

I was shacking him, but he didn't react, His whole body weight was now pressing me.

"No,NO.NO.NO. Adam wake-up! don't fall asleep. "

His breathing rhythm was getting calmer, most spaced and his heart beating slower at every beat.

"No, no,no,no don't die on me. SOMEONE! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!, MY FRIEND iIS! MY FRIEND IS IN DANGER RIGHT NOW. PLEASE LATE US EVACUATE"

The lights got on again. Putting in my a sens of releaf.

"Dear Passenger. we are truly sorry for the long wait. We are now going to start the train. Please be a bit more patient. More information will be given in the shortest delay."

"You hear that...we'll start soon. Then we'll get off, and I'll call the ambulance...then..Hic...they will make your heart start again."

I was undermined, like falling down into an endless hole. Everything that passed that announcement were blurry memories.

It happened fast. A person helped me to drag him out, as soon a the train got in the next stop. I called the ambulance.I tried to reanimate him. Nothing. They arrived, tried to reanimate him with defibrillators. Nothing.

It was all blanks image a ringing sound as they told me they couldn' reanimate him, that he certainly had a stoke, that his heart probably stopped for too long, that the brain probably already died. I couldn't understand why instead on putting him on a stretcher. They put him in a bag.

That day, was the day I realized how much I was lying to myself, how awful of a person I was. From that moment, I had fallen into a endless hole, and the door of hell got opened to me .

I regretted everything from that day. I never accepted the fate I was in. The fate in meat. I regretted having killed him. However, you already know that isn't it?

"...ve...?Eve? Do you hear me? You suddenly stopped speaking."

The voice of the psychiatrist sounded far. It really was such a pretty voice.