Cross Carier (End.)

Just why am I here?

Nothing will move anymore,

The smooth rattling sound and the vibration of the train woke me up from a heavy sleep, extracting me from a very long dream I couldn't remember.

Honestly I couldn't tell how much time passed. I felt like I was always there. In this train wagon time was suspended. It was just floating in this endless space. Starry and full of colors at time, some times completely white, It was a small world completely frozen.

I sat on the accommodated bed. It might have been a Train wagon, but it was well organized, like a dream bedroom. Princess bed with a bed net, a fine wood table Where I could eat and do some drawing, even two armchairs. It was like a fairyland, small fish swimming around from time to time. Objects were appearing here and there, then they would disappear just like that.

The snake was like those object, appearing without notice, to disappear again without saying much. They would visit me a lot. Not every time I was awake. I was sometimes left alone for days -if it existed in that world-, but when they saw fit, they would have a snack and chat with me. I came to like them.

"So you're finally awake. You have been sleeping a lot lately."

They said, sitting on the bed.

"There's not much to do. I've watched the flow of time from those windows, saw thousands temporarily, in a thousand different shapes. The end is pretty much always the same, I'm bored, so now I sleep. It's also harder to keep myself awake. I think I get why you look so uninterested. Is God life the same? If so, what a curse to be God."

"Your consciousness will soon make one with this place."

They weren't bothered, They were never, They never answered my question, never cared about my confusion, it was just like that.

"When that happened will I disappeared?"

"Like bubble. I erased your existence, I can't keep it stable here for much longer."

"Heee."

Strangely enough I didn't felt bothered one a bit. It was already like I wasn't existing I thought, and the idea of disappearance even felt like a gift.

I came out of the bed, put fluffy shoes on, and sat on the cough looking at the window.

"Don't you feel lonely? Here alone?" He said, though I couldn't tell if he really cared.

"No, you always come and see me, though I can't tell why."

"But we are different. Don't you want to be with your kind?"

"Hum I suppose?.... You know. I wonder ...just why am I here?"

"You keep on forgetting."

"Why?"

"Because you make yourself forget. However, I can always make you remember."

I looked at the window, watched the dull scenery. It was utterly beautiful, a sea of stars. A railway train in the galaxies. Surely it must have been the so-called heaven, yet it felt dull and bland in my eyes. It was just an old movie I've seen a hundred time until it made me sick then uninterested.

The room smelled good, mix and flower and citrus, the tea was fuming on the table, and sweets were flying in the air like a little balloon. Everything was lovely, everything tasted like melancholy.

"It's going to be painful l isn't it?"

"I suppose so."

"Will I be able to go back If I remember?"

"Not necessarily. This is a prison, and you are being punished."

"Such a funny prison. I have everything here, and although I can't go out of here.. I don't really mind. "

"Do you know why you are getting imprisoned?"

"No, I can't really remember why I'm here, I told you that."

"Then let me tell you: You rejected me, until the very end. You rejected fate, the flow of time, the order of things. You refused yourself to belong to the world, so I accorded you to get away from it."

It made sense, didn't surprise me, I knew all of it. You never really forget I guess.

"It's strange of you to be so docile, you usually never answer any of my questions."

"You didn't ask this. I simply said whatever I Wanted."

"Yeah right. I can never understand you or your existence, yet I somehow feel close to you. Although I'm sure you and I aren't the same. I'm human, you are not. This is maybe the only thing I know for sure. Maybe that's because you are the only one that consider me as an existing thing."

I posed a bit, stood from the sofa and switched for a place in front of them, around the full table.

"Is this really why I'm here?"

"Yes"

"That's it? Isn't there more? Why did I refuse you then? You don't really make sens."

"I can always make you remember."

"You told me it was painful. Not like it's going to change anything."

"Do you wish to remember?"

But I have a feeling that you will come to see me soon,

so I will close my eyes.

"I guess? You see, when I watch the time line. I see a boy. He has no specificity really, but I kept on feeling that he and Me are bound to meet soon. I feel like if I don't remember I won't be able to. When I think about it I'm not so afraid anymore."

"All you need to do is drink."

"That simple huh? "

Things you have to do are not always a complicated thing. Sometimes it's something so elementary that we just pass next to it without even get why we keep on failing.

I took the cup. Drank it all, and left my head get flooded by my lost memory.

It was painful indeed, atrociously so. All I could feel was pain, sadness and shame lacerating me; Frustration, anger and guilt eating me up. It was nothing but suffering, there I felt that I was not in a dull heaven, but in a burning hell.

I fell on my knee, begging for it to stop, begging for them to put an end to my suffering. Crowding on the floor I cried, I yelled, I asked for forgiveness, I cut myself, felt my blood flood out of my body just, so I wouldn't feel an unbearable cross, just, so I could satiate that anger and disgust a had toward my self.

"Carry your cross" they said, but how could I carry one so heavy and full of thorns?

I was weak, I thought, once again. I asked for forgiveness. I told myself that the next time would be the right one. That It was fine, that I would get stronger just to meet him again.

So as my consciousness was living my body, as I begged to forget everything again, I saw his silhouette, next to me. I thought he would come to me once more, I thought I just had to take the chance the next time.

On those painful hopes, I closed my eyes once again.