Cloud Nine

"Pssst! Over here!" Tip toeing to the window, in the dark and at the darkest hour, Tess and I were doing "stalking". Tess has a "stalkee" and she is the "stalker". Not me. I was beaten by thrill and curiosity, and agreed to the stalking affair.

I didn't understand why she needs to switch off the lights because not as if the "stalkee" could see us. We were on five floors high from the car park and we could paint a picture of "happened to coincidentally look down where the "stalkee" is".

She felt it was unsafe to paint that picture for fear of exposing her identity since they are from the same block. The whole stalking affair started when she saw him at the car park one day, looking poised and handsome. She admitted she is shallow because she goes for looks. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I have known this girlfriend of mine for some years but couldn't imagine which category of "handsomeness" she is after. So, this stalking affair was the next best thing for me to find out.

Mosquitoes were buzzing with excitement and we danced along with their buzzing rhythm. Sigh. This guy better be handsome. According to her, whenever they bumped into each other at the car park, there were lingering stares.

Tess & I are ex-colleagues and out of two hundreds of staffs in that firm, amazingly we found each other. Tess is not an easy approachable girl on the outside – one look you thought she is some stuck up girl (probably a big bully sort) but all you need is just give her that CUTE (yes, you heard me right) face, she will melt and give in to anything you want. Alright, I blew the horn a bit here – of course, only certain things and within her disposal.

If you want someone to accompany you to the cinema for a comedy movie, ask Tess. She is the best movie-goer companion you can ever have – once we almost laughed our heads off in the cinema and that made heads turn from all corners. Luckily it was pitch dark inside there and no one can recognise our faces except - our voices.

At other times, just pray that her hormones are behaving because you don't want to go near Tess when her imbalanced hormones are kick-boxing in her system. You get kick-boxed too. Sometimes she will buy your cute looks but most of the time (when her imbalanced hormones becomes the dictator and not her) – stay out.

It took her a while to share with me her personal life – colourfully none. I was surprised that she has been single for the longest time and in no hurry to find a man. Then, it struck me that she could be a lesbian – nope, she is as straight as me. The day that she told me she was stalking a guy at her apartment's car park – it took away my suspicion forever.

"Wow. You have an admirer" I was happy for her.

"I am not sure if he is interested but the stares…." Tess drifted to a dreamy state.

"Do you know his name?" my curiosity was killing for more.

"Yes. 'Stalkee'…" Tess was under a spell.

"What??" I almost fell off from my chair and who in the world called themselves "Stalkee"?.

"I am the 'Stalker' and so, he is the 'Stalkee'.." Tess hasn't snapped out of it.

"Nutter" I must admit that was actually quite cute.

I thought I was the only one riding on Cloud 9 after meeting Mr Martian. It turned out Tess happened to be riding on one too at the same time as me. Ok. Correction. Hers was two weeks earlier. Still, it makes me wonder who is speedier to getting to the finishing line. Hehe.

They were obviously eye flirting but nothing came out of it. My friend had to resort to stalking on days she didn't see him to get her yearning heart satisfied. I advised her to at least say "Hi" to break the ice. She told me that she is the woman and not him.

Sigh. I slapped my forehead hard.

One thing for sure, she won't get arrested by the way she stalks. Lights off, behind curtains and accompanied by mosquitoes – the "stalkee" is so safe. I wanted to tell her to do real life stalking so that the "handsome" guy can get to know his beautiful stalker. She said she wants to be the "stalkee" instead if that is the case.

Oh, GOD. I slapped my forehead harder.

I pray that she has a roaring heart of a lion and just go after her man. Not every guy you meet at the car park appeals you. If an attraction happens, chemistry is at work and why passed it up especially if both can give each other lingering stares.

I told her to be brave and make the first move if the guy is shy and not doing anything to break the ice. She gave me the deaf ears but continued pouring on the stares they gave each other. I suspected that Tess is shyer than I thought.

"Tess, be a lioness and not a kitten" I encouraged her.

"Why can't he be the Lion King – first?" Tess rejected my proposal.

"Maybe he needs your purring to become one" I was hopeful this encouragement will turn out positive.

"M-E-E-O-W" Tess offered.

So, there, nothing happened except stares and more stares, buckets of stares and starring, for the entire two weeks!

In the course of her stalking affair, she broke a table lamp, a crystal ball and almost stepped on the house lizard. I wonder who and which were more frightened. Hehe.

Later that night, she told me she actually just enjoys the stalking affair and didn't wish for more.

GOD, please help my friend (and me). This time, I slapped her forehead. Really hard.

I wasted no time and hesitation in agreeing on a blind date (you need to find out for yourself) but here, my friend, Tess, preferring to safe stalk and stare at her handsome man. Boy, if by staring alone can move you up to the next level, then, I'd have got my trophy guy with my contagious smile ages ago.

I actually envy Tess. At least, she gets to stare at her handsome man. Me? I can only stare at my computer screen, every second refreshing for a possible incoming mail from Martian, in my mailbox, so begging me to open and read it. Guess what? For once, the junk and spam mails managed to get my full attention and oh yeah, disappointment never failed to follow through afterwards, as I delete them one-by-one. Sigh.

Then, one day, after two weeks of lingering stares and stalking.

"You know something? I no longer bump into my "stalkee" at the car park" I couldn't make out if Tess was sighing a disappointment or relief when she conveyed that to me. She didn't look a wee bit unhappy.

"So, who is your next "stalkee"? my question managed to raise her eyebrow an inch up figuring out the next best handsome guy in town to stalk.

If only she took my advice and did real life stalking – now she might kick herself hard for letting it passed up without even trying to at least get his name.

"What happened?" I couldn't stop my curiosity from digging more.

"Our timing is just way out. It's either he comes in early, I go out late or he comes in late, I go out early"

There was still no sign of serious unhappiness written on her face as she chewed away her mushroom spaghetti.

It is all about timing. I agree wholeheartedly. When timing is right, things will pan out as they are supposed to be.

"Why worry when time will help you with who, what, when, where and why" – remembering my mother's wise words.

I wonder if she will get her second chance with her "stalkee" though things seemed to play out differently now. Most importantly, if she indeed gets a second chance, will she brave herself and stalk her "stalkee" for real!?

I can understand and feel the thrill liking someone from a distance (Ohhh, how much I miss my Martian since our blind date – where the hell are you?!).

The presence of the person who appeals you is enough to set the temperature up one notch. Giving and receiving mixed signals are all part and puzzle of the early mating game (Venus, is that you talking? Ok. I learned this from Eugene) but if it persisted on for too long without any concrete initiation is tiring (Uh-oh. I can't believe that I said the last bit. I am definitely not near to feeling "tired" waiting for my Martian to keep in touch with me since our blind date. No! No! No!).

So, as for Tess, don't be surprised that you will get a second chance with your "stalkee" and maybe the second time round, better than just stalking! (I am forever hopeful for a positive outcome even when negativity has the upper hand and pushes me to a corner. Yeah! I am pretty sure my gung-hoism in positivity will scare the shit out of any negativity. Hehe).

I am a champion when it comes to being hopeful in other people's love life as if I'm SO successful myself, in L.O.V.E. (Obviously, pathetically, sucks big time. GROAN). It has to be the masculine part of me which has better courage and bravery doing its job by being a super duper love Guru to Tess. I mean who am I kidding – Venus, the pathetic-hopeless-in-love girl who has yet to really taste REAL love (if it wasn't for my colour therapist's brutal truth – I'd still be thinking that I had loved them all) giving advice on the subject of love?

I tried to stun Tess with my insight (they could just be plain bullshits if compare to those love Gurus who truly preaches about real love, actual love or true love [whatever they are]) but again, how convincing can I be when I have absolute no success in the love department myself. Which just mean I am a plain bullshit. Ha ha ha.

GROAN.

My stupid Martian hasn't contacted me. I wonder what is holding him back or taking him so long to get in touch. Maybe his laptop got stolen (mobile phone as well). Maybe a clever hacker, so clever, managed to hack into his system. Maybe a fierce typhoon carried him away to a deserted island without any means of communication. Maybe he is busy dating someone new. Maybe he is really extremely very busy at work. Maybe he got kidnapped by an alien and made a slave in outer space (Gulp!).

Oh my GOD. I am such a nut case.

Oh no! My Martian is definitely not stupid. The word "stupid" accidentally just rolled off from my tongue (Please, please, Universe, you got to believe me that "it" [stupid] was just playful and didn't see itself rolling off from my tongue [that should rectify the damage]). Anyone can replace or buy a new laptop or mobile phone, anytime, if they are stolen (so, the earlier worrying was invalid. Sigh). All hackers are clever people – if not, they wouldn't be called a hacker for nothing and steal nothing (not bad, Venus). I hope there are coconut trees with enough coconuts on the deserted island to keep Martian hydrated before rescue arrives and so that he still has the energy to tell me all about it when he can lay his fingers on the keyboard, when he writes to me. That someone new whom Martian is and should be dating is Venus. Period. I'll advise Martian to change boss (if the boss makes him do nothing but work and more work), when he manages to write to me. Don't worry Mars, I'll get NASA to rescue you from the alien's clutches.

Ok. I am nutter than I imagined.

To relief myself from agonising Martian's absence, I borrowed Tess's favourite mantra. Well, chanting her mantra may not bring him closer to me but soothingly for me to forget the agony momentarily.

Eat. Play. Sleep. AND. Repeat.

Eat. Play. Sleep. AND. Repeat.

Eat. Play. Sleep. AND. Repeat.

Eat. Play. Sleep. AND. Repeat.

Eat. Play. Sleep. AND. Repeat.

Eat. Play. Sleep. AND. Repeat.

Wow. They are spiritually orgasmic.

Magically, the agony slowly disappears. Magically too that Tess suddenly appear on my doorstep on a one fine day (Wait. Is the mantra bringing Tess closer to me? Shit.).

I just knew that the story didn't end just there – Tess's "stalkee" is back in the picture and once again they bump into each other at their favourite spot – the car park. That was why she suddenly magically appeared on my doorstep – she is all jittery, once again.

"I saw him that day and he was wearing a hat – purple colour" Tess was half confused and maybe, slightly turned off yet she couldn't shake off his stunning looks. It's pasted on her face.

"Maybe he is gay" my mother interrupted and I thought there could be an ounce of truth but Tess came to his defence. (By the way, my mum was home with me when Tess magically appeared on our doorstep).

"Aunty, I am 100% sure he is NOT gay" nodding her head hard trying to sound convincing.

"Mom, it's rude to eavesdrop" my turn to interrupt.

"You girls are in my home, that's not eavesdropping. In that case, you two are trespassing" my mother fought back. (Mum, it is OUR place. We stay here together. Nope, my mum is nowhere near to senile. Very much alert and her memory in tip top condition).

"I thought you have a lot of housework to do" hoping she will give us some privacy and go kiss her plants.

"Not anymore" mom didn't budge from the couch.

"How do you know he is NOT gay?" my mother started to probe and I hissed back signalling a possible overboard territory.

"Woman's instinct" Tess was quick to answer.

Ooohh… never challenge a woman's instinct because that is a woman's greatest and deadliest weapon in sensing what's-fishy-out-there.

"Is he interested too?" my mother suddenly played the confidant role to Tess now instead of me.

Ouch! She snatched that important role from me and I felt like a newbie in the threesome.

Tess didn't seem to mind as she happily answered "I don't know Aunty. It has been already two weeks and we only stare at each other. Never take our eyes off each other for like 60 seconds! Isn't that awesome!?"

"What? Already two weeks and still starring?" my mother's face was full of disbelieve. My mother shook her head looking at both Tess and me.

"He is either gay or taken" my mother was trying to steer Tess's mind into seeing what could be the real possibility.

Biting her lower lip, Tess lounged herself comfortably onto our couch and let out a long sigh. Either possibility didn't give her a chance.

"Are you going to find out?" my mother just asked a smart question.

I knew Tess enjoys the stalking business and she seemed happy with just that but something told me she might secretly wants more out of it. Tess didn't meet my mother's eyes but starred right up to our living hall ceiling – figuring out what exactly she wants.