Does It Make You Happy?

WARNING: Self harm, suicide, angst

"Does this make you happy now? Does this make you happy?" He screamed, dragging the knife back and forth across his arm.

"Roman, please! Stop!" I pleaded.

Roman shook his head. "I've never been enough for you. I've always tried my hardest, and all you ever enjoyed was my pain. Are you enjoying it now?" He asked as he cut himself again.

"Roman, I'm sorry! I-"

"Sorry isn't enough. I'm not enough. I can't take the loneliness anymore, I just wanted to make you happy. And I never could."

"Roman please, we can talk about this, just please, put down the knife!"

Roman shook his head again, allowing himself a hollow smile. "Janus... I love you. I love you so much." He turned the knife to face his stomach, the point resting on his stomach. My heart dropped.

"Roman, put the knife down. Just put it down, and we can talk it out-"

Roman smiled wider, blood pouring down his arms, covering his hands and the handle of the knife. He stared me in the eye as he pushed the knife in, up to the handle.

"Roman!" I rushed forward. "Roman- oh my gosh- Roman, why- LOGAN!" I was in tears by that point.

Logan came running in as Roman began to laugh hysterically. "What's wrong?"

I couldn't speak, I just stepped to the side and Logan blanched. "Janus, get the first aid kit. Now."

I nodded and ran out of the room, hearing Logan call back, "And call the ambulance!"

I grabbed the kit from the kitchen and ran back, dialing 9-1-1 with my free hand.

Running back into the room, I stopped in the doorway for a second. Roman was still laughing, weakly now, convulsing violently on the ground.

I moved forward, passing Logan the first aid kit and relaying the situation to the operator.

I looked down at Roman and we locked eyes.

I could see the life slowly leaking out of them.

He mouthed "I love you," and then went still.

"Logan, why didn't you save him?" My voice was strangely quiet.

"I couldn't do it in time, he ruptured several important organs." His voice was shaky, rough.

"Oh no... What do we say when the others come back? Remus might not be able to take it."

Logan seemed to look past me as he answered. "I don't know.."

The ambulance arrived soon after, taking Roman to the hospital to do what they could. I didn't expect them to save him.

Logan and I sat on the couch. I was just staring at the wall, counting down the minutes until the others got home. For the life of me I couldn't tell you what Logan was doing, but his presence was... Comforting, in a way.

The door lock clicked and creaked open, and I turned my head towards it.

"Are you guys okay?" Virgil was looking at me.

"We need to tell you something.." Logan said. "You should probably sit down."

The three of them sat down and looked at us expectantly. "Roman..." I began, and felt more tears escape my eyes. "He committed suicide."

Virgil's face went hard. Patton looked shocked. Remus stared at me, eyes welling up. "No... No," he said. "This is a joke, this is just a joke.. This is all.. One.. Sick.. JOKE!"

Remus stood up, still staring at me. "This isn't true.. This is just a joke..." He ran up the stairs, crying.

Virgil was now resolutely staring at the floor. Patton was openly crying.

"Logan tried to save him, but it was too late," I added.

Patton just shook his head. Virgil made no indication he'd heard.

We sat, the four of us, in the living room for a while longer.

I just stayed silent, letting them grieve, grieving myself.

I turn my head to the ceiling, towards Heaven, where I know Roman is now sitting.

"No," I whisper. "You made me happy."