I Know

WARNING: Intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, self harm, angst

I sit on my bed and stare into the darkness.

It's 4 am. I should've gone to sleep hours ago.

I bend my knees and hold them close to me as I begin to cry for the millionth time tonight.

I run over my list again.

I want them to be proud of me.

I want them to tell me they love me.

I want someone to ask me if I'm okay, and when I say I'm fine to look me in the eye and tell me they know something's wrong.

I want​​​-

Uh oh. Someone's up.

I listen to the footsteps. It's Roman.

Stop crying, stop crying.

I take a deep breath and the sound of my crying slows, then stops.

I listen as Roman heads into the bathroom and shuts the door.

Now I wait. Wait the agonising few minutes in the dark for Roman to go back to bed.

Finally, I hear the door open again, and Roman walks back down the hallway into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

I begin to cry again.

I'm sick of feeling like this.

You don't deserve to sleep. Here come the thoughts.

You don't deserve to eat. I know.

You don't deserve the others. I know.

You don't deserve to live. I KNOW!

Cut. No.

Cut. No.

Cut. NO. I'm not going to do that to myself.

I look at the clock again. 4:45 am.

I should get some sleep.

You don't deserve to sleep.

I'm going to sleep.

You don't deserve it.

I ignore the thoughts and close my eyes.

My alarm goes off about an hour and a half later. Time to make breakfast for the others.

I drag myself out of bed to the bathroom, forcing a smile on. That looks real enough.

I head downstairs and begin making breakfast. 15 minutes later Logan comes downstairs. "Morning Logie!" I chirp. Was that believable? Looks like it.

"Good morning Patton," he replies.

"How did you sleep?" Their needs before mine. Their feelings before mine.

"I slept adequately. How did you sleep?"

"I slept well." I turn my attention back to breakfast. Their feelings before mine.

Just as I'm finishing up Roman comes down. "Good morning Padre!"

I force myself to smile wider. "Morning Roman! How did you sleep?"

Roman sits down at the table as I dish up pancakes. "Not all that well. I was up going to the bathroom and I heard someone crying. Whoever it was, I'm worried."

Oh no. I was noticed! And he was worried about me! No, no....

They shouldn't be worried about me- I can't be a burden-

"Patton?" Roman's waving a hand in front of my face. "Are you okay?"

I snap back to reality. "Yeah, I'm fine! Just- just spaced out for a second there, that's all."

I take a pancake for myself, even though I feel sick to my stomach that I was almost found out.

Roman and Logan respond with a "Thank you, Patton," before beginning to eat, and Virgil walks downstairs looking like he wants nothing more than to go back to bed.

"Mm." He doesn't say anything else, he just sits at the table and picks up a plate.

"Morning kiddo!" I say, tipping two pancakes onto his plate.

He nods at me, gives me a half smile, then takes a fork and begins to eat.

I try and make myself eat.

You don't deserve to eat.

Shut up.

You don't deserve it.

I know, okay? Just stop.

You don't deserve to eat.

I push my chair back, pick up my plate of one half-eaten pancake, and excuse myself, taking the plate up to my room and placing it on the shelf.

My phone vibrates. I pick it up and look at the notification.

Kailee replied!

I reached out to Kailee on a vent video I saw on YouTube and we began talking. She's a really good listener, which is good, I've got a lot to talk about.

I quickly read her message.

I'm sorry you feel like that! I'm not sure what I can do to help, but you know that I'm always here for you.

I've been going through a bit myself, but I'll be okay.

People can be so mean sometimes, I've never understood it.

Hope you're doing a bit better than yesterday

xx

I smile.

I type a response and send it out.

I've been feeling a bit worse than usual. I've been having the thoughts again, so that sucks.

I'm staying clean though, which is nice.

But it hurts, K. It really hurts on the inside and I just want someone to care about me, and no-ones here for me and no-one cares, and I just want someone to tell me they love me, I want someone to DAMN CARE ABOUT ME

I have tears sliding down my face now.

You could do it easily, you know.

I know.

You could walk into the bathroom and just take a bunch of pills.

I know.

You could walk into the kitchen and take a knife and stab yourself.

I know.

Because who would care? You could walk onto the road and let yourself get hit.

I know.

I bury my face in my hands and cry harder.

You could stab yourself.

You could hang yourself from the ceiling fan.

You could jump off the bridge tomorrow when you go to work.

You could walk into traffic.

You could swallow all the pills in the medicine cabinet.

You could slit your wrists and let yourself bleed out.

I'm sick of this.

I run to the bathroom and take out all the pills I can find.

I begin swallowing them dry, as fast as I can.

The world's going in and out of focus. I smile.

The door opens and Logan's scream fills the bathroom, just as everything goes black.