When the heart doesn’t feel well

"Anyeong!" i greeted as the Korean couple greeted me back" and the night went on. I was introduced to several people which my dad oversold my profile to "meet my youngest son - artist, child prodigy, composer, singer, writer" whatever that he could get hold off and i follow his cue. He probably needed this to get some of the business going.

"So Mr Zhen your son is back? I hear he plays very well on the piano?"

"Well he does play other instruments as well and sings occasionally ..."

"So I heard, how come he doesn't hone it further in the show biz, we heard so much about him..." My brother tugged at me to keep silent for some reason my dad seem to show reservation to continue the conversation but this Uncle Li seem to pursue it.

"Well that's not necessary, he will be helping out in the family business"

"Really?" He stared deep into my eyes...."Why don't you play something for us? Ray?"

"Don't think Ray is up for that tonight" My dad snaps back politely

"Ray I heard you used to play very well, why don't you play something for us?" I didn't like the tone Uncle Li is putting across ...but sensing the tension in the conversation I break it.

"Oh dad don't worry I'll play it besides it will entertain the guest i smile" I tried to break the mounting tension and turn to walk towards the piano

"Great i have a request...shall we all have Ray to play Yiruma's piece Kiss the Rain, love that piece" my feet stopped, Er Ge came over and pulled me back, shall we go?

"No..." I descended to my serious self and walk to the piano, open it sat down and play.

It was silent as each finger strike at the piano keys and so did the wound open up again but i knew for my family's sake I have to hold it together and in that instance i felt suffocated as the melody strikes at my heart. I closed my eyes as it filled the hall....and ....i saw Jon's face again. My heart ached I felt pain again and I hated this feeling especially when I am put in front of an audience such as this but I've grown up, i told myself ...grown to face it, take it like an adult dealing with it. And if Uncle Lin wants to create a scene for my dad, he had to try harder. My music filled the air and ended with a thunderous clap. Everything that happen that night was just superficial but that's how it is

"Well done! That was awesome, so you finally came home good for you" and he look at many dad and gave me a pat on my back which i removed his hands and thank him

"Pa, Er Ge, I'll come in later" My dad nodded as the driver pulls up the drive way as he we reach home.

"Ge, I didn't want to tell Pa, I'll stay back at my old place today, care for a drink before that?"

"I'll company you" my brother said

"Chan can you bring us to the usual place" Er Ge ordered

At the balcony of the restaurant - i sat quietly until my brother spoke. Dad has been going through a lot with nasty questions from a few people about you when you went off. Uncle Lin used to tell grandpa that he didn't manage you well but Dad defended you in front of Uncle Lin and grandpa. Uncle Lin is my grandpa's business partner from the old days. Uncle Lin had a reputation for being shrewd in his business dealings and once he has set a perception of an individual it is hard to change it. Like my grandpa he expanded his business into the entertainment industry as well but mostly run by his sons and his business included Korea and Japan coverage.

"Drink?"

"Mmm" I replied. As we took a few sips, i felt the suffocation elevated and for that moment i don't know what came through but I felt tears coming down my cheeks, probably too much holding back during the session just now compounded with what my brother explained. I took a few deep breath in and look far out to the city skyline view beyond the balcony. "I'm okay Er Ge don't worry"

"You've grown matured" that's good "we all grow up eventually" at that i smile ..."how can i not" i said

As we sat there enjoying the view and stillness, we were interrupted

"Hi" At that we turned ..."Hey Yi Ren what are you doing here?" My brother ask as we hear the familiar voice.

"Well surprise to see the two brothers out here" he said in return and he turn to me...those concern eyes again set in as I quickly look away.

Sensing the awkwardness my brother quickly responded "Oh we were just at an event and Ray wanted to just take a break and hence we are here"

"Mmmn" he replied still staring at my eyes as i look down.

"Yi Ren why don't you have a seat, I'll say hi to the rest....are they here too?"

"Yes they are at that corner" Yi Ren hasn't shifted his eyes and I didn't feel comfortable with the stare as Er Ge moved off to greet their mutual group of friends

"Er Ge! Don't be too long, I want to go back soon. I called out ignoring the eyes, still fixated on me"

"Ahmmm how have you been?" I ask

"Same and you? I have not seen you for a while, your brother says you are busy with family business"

"A while? That was last week I look at him raising my eyes brow. I started my first day today."

"How was it? You moved back home? The soothing voice ask

"Just for the last weekend, getting use to it, working through" I said

"You'll be okay, I know you will" He said as he gave me a reassuring pat on my back and I smiled back looking back into his eyes

"Thank you, for always being there" The words splurged out surprisingly

"How are you getting home?" Yi Ren asked

"Chan can drop me back" I replied

"How about if I give you a ride home, let's take a ride down the hill" He suggested

"Come on I'll let Keith knows" Yi Ren suggested further

"Let me know what?" My brother cuts in

"I'll drop Ray back? He said

"On your motorbike?....I don't think so."

"Oh he is not a baby anymore, come on" my brother hesitated at first but nodded after

"Come on" he put on the helmet and got us up on the bike. I put my hands on his shoulders but he took it and wrap it around his waist. As he rode down the hill, I lean into him, gripping his waist tighter as I rested my body and face on his back.

The night breeze swept through my face, I felt many emotions flying off from my heavy heart that was eating me up internally as we rode into the night. The exhaustion ceases as i wrapped by hands around him tightly and just let the night take us home. Grateful for Yi Ren for knowing when my heart isn't well and for my brother for being there for me when i needed company.