Never again

He was excusing himself when Yi Ren stood up to follow. Yi Ren tried to reach out and pull Ray to stop but he was pulled back by the bunch of girls entertaining Ruo Lan. While Yi Ren was stuck there with Ruo Lan, Ray pushed himself away ...and walked out. He was vulnerable inside yet ice cold outside. Each step to move away it felt as though he was gasping for breath yet of whatever that he had left for Yi Ren ar that night club. There were so much emotions that he had tugged away ever since the trip left untouched until tonight where the compounding of it to the verge of eruption and breaking down starts again.

He walked away ...that night from the stupidity he felt, walk away from the naiveness that he had fallen into, walk away from the make believe he thought that was real, walked away from this man who manage to manipulate his feelings insanely deep, whom he felt almost confused when he was just strumming the misses for him yesterday. 'Okay I might be jumping to conclusion too soon' he thought but just crossing what Er Ge said and how Yi Ren was behaving against what Ruo Lan said...he couldn't...'what else is there to justify' his mind is now speaking out the logical bit.

"Ray! Ray! Stopped!" Just as Yi Ren reaches out to grab Ray's hand as he was approaching his car. Ray turn around with a calm look he said.

"Yi Ren, no please you stop. Stop whatever that you are doing" The icy cold and distance voice of Ray took Yi Ren by surprise

"I..." Yi Ren started but got cut off

"Don't! I don't need any explanation, don't try ... please" Ray said calmly as he clenched his fist just pushing himself to stay extremely calm.

"We don't owe each other anything and we won't need to owe each other anything. We were not thinking straight. No, I wasn't thinking straight, too naive of how the world actually works but thanks I see it clearly now and I won't have the same repeat in future."

Their eyes lock ....both with such intense emotion painted after Ray utter those words calmly and he continue now after pausing.

"Thank you for teaching the most hurtful lesson yet one that i will remember for life."

Yi Ren's heart was stung deep but Ray had at this stage display a lifeless emotion on his face while his eyes were filled with just hurt. He continue speaking

"Don't feel bad for me, I'm stronger than you think, we had fun so let's just leave it at that...." and he gave a sacarstic smile before he walked off and drove into the shattered night.

Yi Ren felt hurt with those words, he knew if he wasn't careful, it would come to this but he recognise the same look before, this devastating look in Ray's eyes - it's no point trying to get through Ray now. Yi Ren stood there just stunned for a few minutes. He was just a couple of minutes ago looking forward to the whole night when he walked into the club at the sight of the familiar figure that he had missed so much. The months of quietness and misses ended when he thought he could just spend some time chatting with Ray carefreely yet it turned out worst than he could imagine.

Ray drove home that night feeling numb...just numb at this whole episode. He sat by the window, he thought about this familiar feeling ...this feeling of helplessness, despair and lifeless emotion was left buried in the past when he came back from sending off Jon.

He felt disappointed with himself earlier but he had not cried, he was numbed through his heart and he felt an extreme pain....it was the same hurt he felt loosing Jon and when he is about to open up he thought Yi Ren's showing up was always a coincidence.

Is loving someone always this hurtful....? If then how does one goes through this. Deep inside he understand he and Yi Ren are just the chess pieces in their family game.

He understands....perhaps Yi Ren has his own reason, perhaps his own family is expecting something from him to help out like how grandpa and dad wants Ray to do the same.

But....he could have shared it upfront....and why would he talk about it to Ruo Lan. His heart was justifying for Yi Ren's action but his mind was simply preparing to cut out this chapter.

As soon as he closes his eyes...the flashes of Yi Ren came through, the intimacy, the nights they had been secretly divulging their emotions and actions passionately, the flashes of Yi Ren's moves and kisses, the lustful thrust and moans. The pain drove him to the point he felt he couldn't live for even another day.

He felt his heart had been sliced over and over again just recollecting those moments. He felt immense pain all of sudden and clutching to where the pain is at his heart, the tears were finally trickling through from his eyes as he held his hand to his heart, a deep piercing pain....it felt extremely pain.

He never quite understood the word whenever people say "my heart feels pain" or the word "broken hearted". It sounded too superficial how could the heart be broken literally. But now...now it does literally mean the heart feels pain...he now understand the phrase extremely well.

That night he cried aimlessly in bed....he couldn't explain it, he feels hurt...just hurt from all this yet this side of him he will remember it clearly. A mark that he told himself never to trust his heart again as it is too vulnerable and naive.

His phone rang a few times that night and many messages were left but he was not interested anymore to keep letting his heart fail, he needed to get up and not let all this nonsensical distraction get to him. Life is much bigger.