Chapter 7: Ill

I battled against the intense headache and back pain I'm experiencing right now. I raised my head and changed my gaze onto my written notes. I grabbed a pile of index cards and filled each of them with important terms and formulas that I have to understand. An intense heat suddenly spread throughout my whole body as my headache worsened. I couldn't look straight on my notes and my friends.

"Let me guess, you haven't slept well these following days. Look at you, you might collapse at any moment. Hold onto my arm, I'll help you walk so that you won't trip over."

I thanked her and started walking. While we were waiting for our schoolmates' dismissal in our classroom, I looked at my reflection on my phone's screen. I can see how evident my lack of sleep is on my face. I have large eyebags with pimples on my forehead and parsed lips. You could even form various constellations when you connect them. I look more pale than usual since my anemia has worsened from last year. I wish I could treat it quickly but I risk my sleep for my studies.

We went inside after a few minutes for our next subject, Math. It has been one of my favorite subjects even though our teacher gives us some tricky problems to solve. I could battle my own drowsiness despite this condition for this subject.

I tried my best to focus on the topics today. However I blinked too many times, I still feel too sleepy. I've set my phone on voice record secretly for me to listen back later if ever I'll miss any important details during class. In the middle of the discussion, my vision turned vague. I couldn't see clearly but still continued writing every word my teacher says and disregarded my vision. "I'm just stressed," I told myself during class.

My teacher approached me after class, "Are you alright Mia? You look like you were having a difficult time understanding the lesson. I understand that you have your own personal problems. Just in case you're having a hard time or you wanted to share your problems, don't hesitate to approach me or the guidance counselor. I don't mean to be rude but it looks obvious that you're overworking yourself. If you have any questions or difficulties in our current lesson, then I'll let you take remedial sessions."

"Ah sir, I'm feeling alright. I'm not myself today because I haven't got a wince of sleep. Thank you sir for your concern."

Both of us left the classroom and somehow I lost focus. While in class, I felt my body heat rapidly increasing. I put my cold water on my forehead. I felt feverish while waiting for any notifications or messages from Dong-Yul.

I wanted to practice but I felt so weak. No, I should practice because I needed to improve my dancing. I'm just an amateur dancer who still can't dance to simple dance steps in which most dancers do.

I took the medicine I placed inside the compartment of my bag. I drank the paracetamol and tons of water. I decided to disregard my bad condition for the whole day. At least I recorded all of the discussions for this day so that I can listen to it again later at night.

I went straight towards the parking lot after my last class where I will find a black UV van which Dong-yul was talking about. Coincidentally, I spotted Sir Vito, my math teacher, after I found the vehicle with the exact plate number.

"Good afternoon sir Vito," I greeted while waving at him

"Oh Mia, you're already here. Dong-Yul is waiting for you."

Huh? How did he know that I have connections with Dong-Yul? My heart started beating nonstop from nervousness. He shouldn't know about it. "Sir, I don't know anyone named Dong-Yul but I heard of his name before. He is a member of 7AD, right? It's impossible for us to know each other," I said sarcastically.

"Ah, I forgot to tell you a while ago. I am a friend of Dong-Yul. And he already mentioned to me that he wanted to help you with your auditions in Seoul. Mia, I already know about his offer for you. You don't need to worry, I won't tell anyone, not even a soul. He told me to assist you somehow as your adviser."

He looked around to make sure that no one heard us. "Let's ride onto the van first. I'll explain everything on the ride."

I rode into the van and started wearing my seatbelt before he started his story. "Please don't tell your classmates about my connection with Dong-Yul. You know those obsessive attitudes of some fans, right?"

I was surprised by his sudden explanation. I never expected him to be friends with a global idol. He always seems happy during class with a vibrant smile on his face. He also likes making jokes on the spot even though some of us are on the urge to sleep. How in the world did my math teacher meet with this idol?

Suddenly, stories of sir came back in my memory. Does it mean that he was the friend he was referring to in between his discussions? That person who helped him return back to the Philippines? His former roommate during his college years?

I can finally breathe after knowing my secret's safe. He already knew from the very beginning that I was convinced by Dong-yul. No wonder he approached me a while ago. I thought my stress was too evident or I needed professional help.

He even mentioned that he asked my contact details from the dorm managers that's why Dong-yul has my number.

I noticed that my teacher was capturing quick glances at me while I was admiring the scenery outside of the car's window. "Are you alright? You looked so pale today."

"Sir, I have a fever today but I can handle it. Don't worry, I can still bear with it."

"Okay, Mia. Tell me if your body couldn't handle it anymore so that I can excuse you from sir Dong-yul and convince him that he shouldn't practice today. I am worried about your condition today."

"Sir, I'll just inform Dong-Yul-sunbae na if I couldn't manage any longer."

As we arrived at Dong-Yul's apartment, I felt a painful sensation on my thighs. My body feels like it might collapse any moment now. I slowly walked and entered the apartment. My eyes met with Dong-Yul's. His eyes show a hint of worry yet I didn't expect him to notice.

"Mia, you look so pale. Are you alright?" He put his hand on my forehead. "You're sick. You shouldn't practice today. Lie on the sofa, I'll cook you something while you rest."

I didn't realize that I suddenly collapsed on my weak knees. Someone caught me and carried me inside.

I mumbled. "No, I shouldn't miss this practice... I-I'm not good at dancing. I shou- must practice. I can't pass the auditions without mastering the basics."

"You can't practice, not in this condition. I'll inform Sir Vito to inform the dorm managers. Stay here, for now, you need to rest."

He helped me lie on the sofa, put a pillow underneath my head, and left to get a warm blanket.

Hands shivered from alternating shifts of temperature. I couldn't stand, my knees felt weak, my back pain severely worsened, my vision was spinning. I felt stuck. I felt helpless.

And once again memories of me lying on the cold floor with papers scattered around came back. Moments when I slept in a sitting position holding a charging laptop. A life I got used to came back like a film of self-sacrifice. I never loved myself.

Then, in a split second, I was entranced into a deep sleep. I felt the comfort I've always long for whenever I'm tired of everything. I'm tired.

Eyes were shut closed. Only darkness remains until a single spark

appeared. And from that single spark, colors bursting into the night sky. The stars twinkled as a line intersects them, forming various constellations. Colors bursting to seem to look like the galaxies splashed in black canvas.

I felt radiant energy released within me, traveling into a galaxy I'm not familiar with. It felt like being shredded into pieces.

***

The shredding-like feeling stopped as I slowly changed my gaze from the ceiling. I'm not in Dong-yul's apartment. I'm lying on a hospital bed with dextrose attached on my left hand. How did I end up in the hospital?

I turned my gaze to the door. The person knocked and let himself in. He's in a wheelchair, with an ecstatic expression on his face. It's Dong-yul in hospital clothes, wearing a familiar baseball cap. He looks different from whom I encountered a while ago. He seems like a young boy who looks lost and wandered around the hospital. He seems different. Someone different from the idol I know.

"Mi Ra, let's go to the gardens. I have something to talk about with you."

I can suddenly understand everything he was saying even if it was purely Korean words.

"Dong-Yul-ssi, I am Mia, not Mi Ra."

"No. You introduced yourself as Lee Mi Ra, remember? You are well-known in this hospital for your frequent appointments. You even blocked my way while I was dashing through the hallways of this hospital with my wheelchair, right?"

I've become confused. How did I end up here?

"Sorry, I have to use the restroom. Excuse me." I politely said.

What is he talking about? I dragged my dextrose and went into the restroom. I faced my reflection on the mirror and got shocked by my sudden appearance.

This isn't me.