Chapter 35: After

Alex’ POV

I wasn’t prepared.

Time stood still. The world stops spinning. They say your stomach will be filled with butterflies, fluttering their wings.

Everything around you disappears because in that very moment, only the two of you exist.

That’s how they describe first kisses in the movies or in books.

I could say the same. Time and space stood still as the world around me dissipated into nothingness. But, in that moment, I was there, all alone. The only thing I could focus on is the sting on my cheek as the last thing I heard was the smacking sound the moment Sunny slapped me.

I stood there frozen. Not even bothering to look again as the last thing I saw of her was the shock and disdain in her face. I didn’t call after her when she ran away. I didn’t answer even when Bree asked me what happened. I didn’t even flinch when Ari threatened me if I had done something. Then they ran after her.

What’s the point? I majorly utterly miserably fucked up.

There was no butterfly in my belly, only pain and guilt bubbling in my gut.

I didn’t even notice nor remember how I ended up in Xerxes’ private room with him and Jea. He poured me a glass of bourbon and dumped a load of ice on it before handing me the drink. The two might have witnessed the kiss and what came after as Jea was coming out from the CR and Xerxes went looking for Sunny not long after I dragged her away. Bree and Ari might only have saw Sunny slapping me then running away or just when she ran.

“Take it. You look…overwhelmed. Then dab the glass on your cheek.” I heard Xerxes’ faint voice. I’m not the one overwhelmed, I thought.

I took the glass anyway. There was no point resisting. I couldn’t even trust my own thinking and decisions despite how sober I might be. Jea, on my side, is running her hand on my back, soothing me out from the shock as Xerxes stood still, eyeing me worriedly.

“Why didn’t you tell me. I thought you weren’t interested in anyone here?” Jea inquired, bringing back our conversation from the café. Her voice is laced with concern.

Xerxes fired after Jea. “You didn’t tell me you actually like her. Christ, I thought you were just competing with me or simply cock-blocking me. Why didn’t you just say so?” He looks conflicted and guilty as he rakes his hand on his hair.

I gave out a hollow laughter. The alcohol probably working on me as I suddenly found the urge to snap back. As they say, when there is anger, there must be pain hidden underneath it and I’ve got loads of it right now.

“I couldn’t even tell her myself! How do you suppose I could even tell you? For all I know she’s straight, she just came out of a break up then they might have probably got back together with his long-distance boyfriend or not. I don’t have a clue and a fucking chance! I know it. I’m fine with it until you just had to rub it in my face! And as I remember, I. Told. You. To. Back. Off. Twice.”

I threw in my tirade. My voice a bit forceful yet I wasn’t shouting. I wanted to make my point, even if I realized there wasn’t one. I already messed up and Xerxes has nothing to do with it, no one knew. It was all because I couldn’t hold back my emotions.

I refilled the glass, downed it in one go then refilled again. It’s hard keeping myself from breaking down in front of them. It’s hard keeping up with the frustrations life has been throwing at me.

“Sorry. I didn’t know.” He apologized.

“I know. You could be oblivious sometimes.” I responded. I just can’t be angry at him not because he is my cousin but because it’ll be just me projecting the pain I’m feeling into hate and throwing it to someone and I'm not like that.

“You should take Jea home. There’s still class tomorrow. I’ll go home after I finish this.” I suggested to Xerxes as I shake my third glass of bourbon in my hand.

“No. Stay here instead. It’s safer if you don’t drive.” It was Jea.

If only it was you, or even Selena or Breana, everything could have been okay. I had thought for a lot of times. If only it was a different person.

“Okay.” I agreed and then nod to Xerxes, signaling him to go and take the girl.

After they left, I pulled out my phone and dialed Sunny’s number. I heard the two short beeping sound on the other line which tells me I’m blocked. I tried Bree and Ari but they weren’t answering.

I laid on the couch in defeat as I cover my eyes with an arm. I let myself shed some tears, after all, I’m human, capable of feeling hurt and guilt.

If only I had been contented with what I had. If only I had controlled my emotions. I had yet lost a friend from acting rash. Bree forgave me but Sunny might be a lost cause. If only I hadn’t been selfish.

Sleep eventually came after I prayed for absolution, reciting the words, “I’m sorry, Mitchelle, my sun.” over and over and over and over again.