THOUGHTS IN A DRY WELL

I remembered a time when i was younger in like elementary school when we would be sitting on the carpet with our legs crissosed crossed apple sauce like idiots waiting to be told a story with a huge lesson that was supposed to have a huge impact on our lives as we grew older in life. The teacher who always told the story would always be those teacher's who never looked like they did anything else than read and hold bake sales for the school. That was when i was still the awkward kid in school who would only want to stay by himself and imagine myself doing something else , i would literally want to just go play with water than have an adult read a story to us, as we crowded at a school rag that was probably dirty from everyone who would step on it.

As much as i hated those reading sessions and dreaded them everytime, i would usually not listen to a word that was being said, but one sad dreadful day, the one idiom i knew nothing about was the one our homeroom teacher told me to write a short essay on based on the book that was read during that reading session.I sighed and tried to convince the teacher i wanted to do a different book since i had never read the book. She rejected my proposal . she was the first person to reject me.It actually hurt not even going to hide that fact. But i degress from the point i am so desperately trying to make.

now there was young Cyrus who was moody and frowning because he never wanted to write a short essay that would not be more than even one page of a A5 size book.In hindsight when you are young a lot of things look bigger than you ever think especially when it came to writing. After about two minutes of being moody i had to gather all my courage and keep away my tiny pride to ask for the book claiming that i never understood the first time. I remember all the stares everyone in class gave me. You know when your in an exam room which is completely quiet and suddenly someone stands up slowly pushing themselves out of their chairs making those frictional sounds of the feet of the chair to the ground. It may be a small noise but when everyone is quiet it is the loudest sound that could ever be produced. Naturally everyone would proceed to stare at you all the way to the teacher's desk they will watch when you are talking to you and finally the blank eyes would courtousely follow you back to their seat.Yeah that feeling is what i had to go through.

It was embarrassing to be stared at especially at that young age where my only friend was a pet fish that my mom got at a random carnival. All that shame and nervousness must have contributed to why i remember the story so well and the lesson that it provided at the end of the book. It's like the very heavens were trying to force me to remember that lesson. Obviously i will not narrate the entire story since you brain will likely switch off by the time i reach the climax. I would just like to mention the expression that served as the lesson of the story which was when the well runs dry we know the worth of water.

When i heard the expression I knew that it have very well been the dumbest thing that my tiny brain had swallowed my entire life that time. I honestly did not understand any of those things. I was like nine my mother would never allow even a slight chance of me missing anything in life. I never wanted to be phisophocal all i wanted was a gaming console and trading cards to keep in my room. anything else than that would be considered adult issues that were none of my business. But just because the discomfort i went through within that one hour of class it had to stick in my mind somehow.

Now we fast forward to the Cyrus that was stuck in a mini jail cell that was being used as 'my waiting room' who was anxious and all he wanted was to get out. I sat down bored out of myliteral mind as i waited for the final verdict and just prayed several times that it would be good and if not it would just be added stress.I knew that they could be cold heartless bastards if they wanted to be but today was completely different since i knew that i never had someone else on the other side who would vouch for me.

Not knowing where Jay was made me extremely nervous. I always had her to kind of defend me on the other side and some reassurance that if anything went wrong she would be the one to support me through it. I would not lie if i said that i never gave her any troubles espcially when i wanted to start a tech company out of the blue with no good explanation as to why i was even doing it and what purpose it was even serving. I would admit that being me i took advantage of the guilt that was already troubling her when it came to Miranda considering at the time Miranda was not even an adult and was being sent to a whole new different a dangerous environment for the sake of the Executive

Miranda's mission served as a double-edged sword for them. One they were hell-bent on getting both Miranda and me as far away from each other as possible since they saw our collaboration in activities would be a risk to their organisation. Two it was a way to get someone on the other side willingly with zero consequences for their actions . They took advantage for our naviety when it came to rights and contracts. The other agents knew their limits and they knew none of them could be forced to go to a location that could risk their lives on purpose, especially tech specialists who had a confidential task at Gendwall as the director quoted to Miranda and i back then was to help with solving the conflict that was taking place there.

We were in a position of utter defeat at the time and we knew that there was nothing we could do to save ourselves from permanent deportation of us and our families or even life imprisonment. they gave us an option of freedom for one as long as the other acted like a sacrificial lamb. Jay was the one who witnessed the several hours we spent going back and forth and being sacred as hell. She was a lower position of power and assumeed that they could never do such a thing to teenagers who just made a small mistake, but that was not the case once we found out Miranda had already taken the next step and departed to an extremely dangerous area.

I used the guilt the Jay felt as my weapon against them. I knew that no matter what Jay never wantd to put another person at risk at all. We both knew that she felt that way and she knew that i would forever use that as a way to get my way. Using someone else's guilt as a way to get whatever i wanted sounded fine in my mind as long as she was painted as the enemy of the narrative that i tell myself. But the one point i forgot and completely ignored was that my true enemy was the organisation heads and not necessarily those who work for them. Jay was technically my ally despite her being loyal to the organisation she was also a loyal ally for me.

That does not mean that we would be all buddy buddy just because i thought of her as an ally at the lowest point of my life. But it definitely made me see that she was the water that ran dry. Yes it took childhood memories , a whole speech and flashback of important events just to make me realize that i had taken someone for granted while i was trying to play the holy likeable hero to my own story.It was pathetic and i knew i was pathetic to begin with but being put in the jail for such a long time alone with my thoughts it gave me a wider perspective of most of the situations of my life.

For someone like me who constantly and unhealtly dwelled in their past every single time , i was slow to critically analyze my own situations. the mind numbness that was happening was totally crazy and i never wanted to be alone. I could even start hearing voices in my mind a familiar calming annoying and comedic voice. A voice that the more and more i thought about started to become a distant memory i was not sure if it was because i longed for it more and more everytime i heard it or it had been so long since i heard it even if it was a mere week.

I continued to see how pathetic i was and just wished i could get everything over with. I wanted a simple life the one i dreamed of when i was younger of following normal human cycle of events till my death.The anxiety of something worse happenig or having a verdict that was not in my favor was really killing me from the inside. All i wanted was a good happy ending but i never knew if i would ever find that in my life anymore. I was at the bottom of the dry well.For that peroid of time i actually saw myself being a useless person, i was nothing, i questioned my own existence. All that time it felt that i was trying to fix problems that i caused and by attempting to try and fix them i was causing other problems. Even when given a simple task like this by Miranda made me feel powerless and if i could not even make it out of that one what was my life even for at that point?