Entries 9-12

August 16,

Today was the first day of school - it was shit, as expected. I was forced into my skirt this morning because, and I think my mother was just lying to me, the school does not have a uniform option for pants. I did make one friend though, her name was Sadie, she was nice. And she didn't come to talk to me because she was on the student council and was forced to, she said hello of her own accord, which was cool.

I did talk to Chris today. And I'm not saying I haven't spoken to him since that night, but today we had our first real conversation about everything. He was so sweet, not that I didn't think he would be, it was just nice though. We talked things over and I think he finally understood my situation. He spoke to me like he was really listening, not like Chloe who talks to me like she's forced to be there.

Chris told me he would try with the pronouns, but only around people who aren't our parents so that there wasn't any drama. And honestly, that was the best response I could have asked for, he made everything really easy. We talked about the binder and how to safely wash it without our parents finding it; the real danger was leaving it in the sink and having one of them find it when they used the bathroom. We talked mostly about school and the pressure attending an all girls school might have on me, and honestly I'm as worried about it as him. I mean, I can't transfer because the reason I'm there is to improve my mental health. It was upon Chloe's request that I transfer. But, if it's her job to help me get better then I really don't see how taking me away from all my friends is really gonna help. Just saying.

August 30,

I know that I haven't written in awhile but a lot has happened. First I guess I should talk about Sadie - we have got on really well and she seems to be my one rock going into _____^. I mean, she's really down to earth, cool and funny - not to mention her blue hair is fucking dope, and she hates school as much as I do. Ya I really like her, and honestly if we were to be more than friends I wouldn't be disappointed hahaha. So, on that front, everything is great, we're vibing and shit. It's nice to have some form of good when literally everything else is fucking garbage.

I've continued my weekly meetings with Chloe, which are as useless as ever. Last meet all I did was math homework - I'm not lying. Great session, 10/10. But the week before that she was asking me a lot of questions about relapse, which made me deeply uncomfortable. Like she doesn't even know why I'm depressed, why is she worried about bull?

Also, Chris flew back to Montana for college yesterday, I had helped him pack all week. Not a single time did he misgender me; I'm really proud of him. But now he's gone, and will be until Christmas, so I really don't know who I'm gonna talk to until he gets back. I can't call him every night.

But I guess I haven't written in awhile because I don't know if this is helping me. I have established the fact that I'm not very good at talking about my feelings, so I thought that writing in this would help me better that. I guess I was wrong.

I really just have a lot of shit on my plate right now so I might not be able to write as often as I would like. Truth be told, I don't really want to write in this fucking book, but it's healthy so I feel obligated to. I don't really have more to say on the subject.

September 5,

Sadie and I have been hanging out a lot recently, and it's been surprisingly nice. It's been good to have a friend. Really good. Today I went over to her house, we climbed up on the old wall she has in her backyard and just goofed around for a bit. I suggested that we walk to the train tracks, even though it's a pretty long walk, and she said we could. It took about forty minutes to get there, and probably another forty to get up on one of the train cars, but it was worth it for the view. She looked really pretty against the sunset, her hair was in perfect contrast. We sat in comfortable silence as I sketched her, I told her I'd paint it later to show her the colors. We both didn't bring our phones.

I don't know what prompted me to come out to her, I guess I just felt like I had too. I broke the silence and said, "Sadie, I'm trans."

"I know," was her response. She smiled and kissed me on the cheek, which made my stomach go crazy, and said, "you're really bad at hiding things, Cam."

I just sat there, scratching the back of my neck. I call that my 'awkward pose' because I tend to do it when I'm nervous. But I wasn't nervous, or anxious, or embarrassed. I was comfortable because I feel safe with her. If I'm being perfectly honest I was just doing it cause I was blushing and the pose was a poor attempt to hide my face. I mean I was soooo red.

But it made me feel really happy, and I don't know why. It made me, for a moment, forget everything that's going on. I forgot about my shitty parents, forgot how Chris left, forgot Chloe and school. It was peaceful.

It's nice to have a friend.