Entries 13-15

September 13,

I think about that moment a lot, with Sadie on the train tracks. I don't know, it makes me happy to relive it, if that makes sense. She's super cool too - she has two moms and a cat! - I wish we could trade lives haha. I go over to her house about twice a week now, but I wished she lived closer so I could walk.

I haven't talked to any of my old friends, with the exception of Jasper, since my party. I don't really want to, if I'm being honest. I love them but we've developed this unspoken rule of not talking to each other, which we're all fine with. I have talked to Jasper, but not as much as we used to. I guess we're both just busy with school - I kind-of wish we talked more, but I'm not in a rush to reach out. But I get to go over to his house this weekend cause our moms want to talk for a little; I swear they still think we're five. My mom said she just wanted to catch up with his parents cause they haven't talked, but I know that all she's gonna do is bombard them with questions about trans shit.

I talked to Chris today, but not about much - just a simple 'hello,' 'goodbye.' I miss him a lot but I think that as long as I have Sadie, I'll be fine. Relying on her for my mental stability isn't a healthy thing to do, but I don't think of her like that. She just makes me happy so I like being around her. What's the problem in that?

Sorry for the short entry but I have some homework. I'll try to write more often, I just forget sometimes.

September 15,

I was supposed to go over to Jasper's today, but that didn't end up happening cause my mom saw me in my binder. I was changing and she came in for something right before I put on my shirt. I told her it was a sports bra, but she saw through my bullshit and started yelling at me. I don't even think she was mad that I had it, I think it was that I got it behind her back that pissed her off. Her rant started off with talking about my asthma, and how I shouldn't be wearing binders, but by the end she was just talking about 'trenders' again.

"Come on Camille, I mean seriously. I don't understand. What the hell is wrong with you?" That's a direct quote from around when she told me to get out. Not 'get out' like she was kicking me out of the house, just 'get out' so she could take a breath. The only place she told me not to go was Jasper's because he'll just "pressure me into the trans agenda." You would think that liberal parents would be accepting of something like this, but you're wrong. They're not.

She made me take off the binder and hand it over to her, so I assume I'll never see it again. Before I was banished I managed to grab my jacket, wallet and phone, so at least I'll be able to buy some food if I get hungry. My first thought was to call Chris, but knowing him he'll call mom regardless of what I tell him, cause he's responsible, and that's the last thing I want right now. I couldn't go to Jasper's. Not because my mom told me not to, fuck her, but because his mom would call her right away to let her know where I was. We can't have that.

So I got on the bus to go to Sadie's. That's where I'm writing this now. I found my journal in the pocket and figured 'why not?'

September 15 (part 2),

It is currently 11:45pm and I'm at Sadie's. She fell asleep cause she's not a night owl like me. I'll probably stay up for like 3 more hours before I'll eventually get bored and fall asleep.

I don't know what prompted me to get off the bus, but I did. I got off 2 stops before I was supposed to and walked into the CVS nearby. I bought clippers, scissors, and black dye (you can see where I'm going with this.) After that I didn't feel like getting on the bus again so I just walked. Problem with that is this isn't my neighborhood and I had to use google maps to get to her house. Mom's gonna be pissed about the mobil data, but right now I've decided that I really don't care.

I didn't call ahead, cause I'm a dumbass, so of course her mom's were surprised when I randomly showed up on their doorstep with hair dye. I explained the situation, giving them as much detail as I was comfortable with, and they said it wouldn't be a problem if I stayed over.

I told Sadie what I wanted to do and she was totally on board. We cut about 8 and 1/2 inches of hair off my head. But before we got too short, Sadie's mom Laura came in to help. Laura's a hair stylist and was sooo excited to be able to "do magic with my head," as she put it. Normal parents would freak out if they knew that a kid under their supervision was drastically altering their hair without consent from their guardian, but not Laura. She's almost head-to-toe covered in tattoos and is all for a little teenage rebellion. Too bad her kid is too nice to do any of that stuff, I think she'd enjoy it.

Anyway, Laura styled my hair but she let Sadie dye it. And both of them said that with the kind of blonde I am, we didn't even need to bleach my hair first. (Which was great cause I didn't buy bleach.) It was a lot of fun, it really was. And Malcom, their cat, came an sat on my lap for most of it, which was nice of him.

After the chop, Sadie and I had a little bit of a fashion show where she let me try on all of her masculine clothes. She has a loooooott more than I do, that's for sure. I do think it's funny that her moms tried to raise her in a gender-neutral environment - teaching her to be true to herself whatever that may be, and then sent her to an all-girls school. I mean, I can't be the only person who finds that a little bit interesting haha.

But the fashion show was a huge success, I mean I really looked like a cis-boy. It was amazing. Well with my black short hair I really looked more like Brendon Urie, but he's cis so it still counts! Normally I'd be worried about how my parents would react, but tonight I'm just going to enjoy my hair, my company, and forget about all that shit. Maybe I'll wake Sadie so we can to the tracks again.