Noise. So much noise.
Pain. So much pain.
Peace under the water is not meant to be like this.
I fight to stay in the dark, but slowly lose the fight, because whoever wants to pull me out of the peaceful place is very persistent. They call me.
"Tofu. Consort Lin Singhua. Wake up. Come back."
I dream.
In my dream, I travelled with a group of people. Everyone was happy and laughing, because we were going home. We had travelled to distant countries and visited beautiful gardens, meeting people and established trade agreements. A marriage alliance was even offered by a handsome young prince with a white fur collar. On our way back, we were stopped at the border and invited to visit the Emperor of Meihua's palace gardens. We had hoped to avoid Meihua, because of the Emperor's horrible temper and penchant to eat up land belonging to allies and enemies alike with his huge army. Somehow the Emperor had heard of our travels.
The Emperor and Empress were kind and attentive to our needs. The palace was huge and more beautiful than anything I had ever seen. Its gardens were immaculate, but it was the water feature gardens that made me long for home. We had not been home in over three years. When we begged to leave, the Emperor refused and the palace gates closed, trapping us inside. He wanted something I could not give.
I wake crying, but do not remember what I had been dreaming. Only a feeling of dismay and fading defiance is left. Last I remembered, I was finally becoming a good tofu and wondering what Baby Tofu looked like.
The air is warm and scented. My bed is soft and I am very comfortable. I can taste bitter water on my tongue and guess that Gentle Whiskers has been feeding me. Opening my eyes, there are bright colours and embroideries on everything everywhere. The bed rustles as I rise and I push away the huge pillows that are in my way. My arms become tangled in the robes I am wearing.
My lungs feel shrunken and I cough and cough, gasping to try and breathe. At the same time, I remember Baby Tofu, but my belly is no longer swollen, but flat. Wrinkled. Where is Baby Tofu? Water leaks from my eyes as if there is a fountain behind them that will never run dry. Air escapes from me and refuses to fill my lungs after they welcomed the water.
What is going on?
The fragrance of soothing herbs floats on the breeze and I feel Gentle Whisker's hands patting my back and then guiding a cup of very bitter water to my mouth. Knowing Gentle Whiskers is there comforts me. Perhaps he can tell me where Baby Tofu has gone.
He lays me back down.
"Thank Heavens, my Lady," he says. "You're alive. The Emperor worried himself sick over you."
"What happened to Baby Tofu?" I ask. "Wasn't he in my belly?"
"Baby Tofu is gone," Gentle Whiskers rubs my back. "I'm afraid the baby died."
"Died? Baby Tofu turned bad?"
"No, when you nearly died, your body rejected the baby."
"If Baby Tofu is not bad, then I am bad. Good tofu would not reject its own baby. The bad part must be cut out before it spreads."
"I'm sorry, Consort Lin. You are not bad."
"I am tofu!" I shout. "Bad tofu has to be cut up and thrown out. Nobody wants bad tofu."
"You are not bad tofu," Gentle Whiskers says. "Even His Imperial Majesty will agree. You did what you thought was right. Her Imperial Serenity tricked you and has paid the price for rebelling against the Emperor."
"I wanted to remember," I sob and cough, my mind reeling. "I wanted to be forever good and remember who I am. I don't know who I am anymore. I think I am tofu, but I am not treated like tofu."
"You are Princess Lin Singhua," Gentle Whiskers whispers in my ear, hands on my shoulders as if this is a secret no one else should hear. "You are the Third Princess of the Kingdom of Guoyuan, but have been travelling as Miss Lin, a merchant's daughter for the past few years. You are not tofu, no more than all those other poor prisoners in the Stack. The rest of your party are in the cells alive and concerned for you."
"Tofu hears, but does not understand. Tofu is not sure if she should want to understand. There are words, but they are covered with steam. If I am not tofu, what am I? I could have stayed resting under the water, why didn't you leave me there?"
"The Emperor would not allow it," Gentle Whiskers regards me with wet eyes, the water seeming ready to spill out. "He will not be letting you near water any more than he will let danger near you. He wants you safe."
I cough as I ponder on Gentle Whisker's words and cough up bad stuff that he asks me to spit in a bowl.
"Gentle Whiskers," I say. "What does it mean to be safe?"
It was a thought I had never thought of before.
"Gentle Whiskers?" Gentle Whiskers laughs softly. "Consort Lin, I am Doctor Guan, although I believe I am complimented by your name for me."
"Gentle Whiskers," I repeat, refusing to hear what he said. "What does 'safe' mean?"
"It means," Gentle Whiskers sighs, "that you feel happy and at peace. You do not feel threatened or afraid. You feel comfortable with the people and what is happening around you. It means you will not have to worry for your life."
"Life?"
It was another new thought I had never thought of before. What was life?
"Life is your spirit in this body. Your ability to think, to move and breathe. Your ability to grow and have children. To eat and drink, to feel and love. You live, Consort Lin."
"Live. Life," I ponder these words and close my eyes.