Tofu in the centre

When I open them again, Gentle Whiskers is there again, urging me to sit up and eat soft eggs steamed with tofu. I obey him.

"Tofu is not alive," I say.

"No, tofu does not have life in of itself once the soy beans have been pressed and boiled," Gentle Whiskers feeds me in between my words, ignoring another woman in pink hovering behind him.

"But I live."

"Yes."

"Tofu does not have life, but I do. If I am alive, I cannot be tofu."

"That is right."

Another thought strikes me after a few more spoons.

"Tofu does not have a name. You said I have a name."

"Correct. You are Princess Lin Singhua. Consort Lin, now that his Imperial Majesty has officially declared you as such."

"If tofu does not have a name, but I do, then I cannot be tofu."

"Correct."

"So, I am a woman?"

"Yes."

"And you are a man?"

"Yes."

"I am a woman and my name is Lin Singhua."

"Correct."

I think about this and try to find the truth in it, so that the truth may sink into my centre where I still feel like tofu. Now I know why I feel, I move and have an opinion when tofu should not. But it still feels strange.

The woman in pink flutters and makes little noises.

"Who is that behind you?"

"She is Guan Ren, my daughter. The Emperor has selected her to take care of you."

"Why does she flutter like a bird?"

"She feels that my feeding you is beneath my station."

"What is a station?"

"Eat, my Lady and swallow before you talk. I mean that she feels that feeding you is her job, not mine. My job is to heal, but her job is to serve and take care of you."

"So a station is a job?"

"In a way."

"Then why are you doing her job?"

Gentle Whiskers hands the bowl and spoon over to Fluttering Bird and throws his hands up in the air. I wonder why he throws his hands up like that and copy him to see what it feels like.

Fluttering Bird scolds me and wipes up tofu and egg that has flown out of the bowl.

"Sit still when you eat, Consort Lin. No playing."

"What is 'playing'?"

"No talking while you are eating."

Swallowing, I open my mouth to speak again, but instead find it full of good food. When the bowl is empty, I lie back with a smile.

"No lying down after eating, Consort Lin. You must sit for a while."

"Why?"

"So that you will not get a stomachache. Up," Fluttering Bird helps me up and with Gentle Whiskers holding me on the other side, they seat me in a soft seat by the window. In the bush below, a brown bird trills and I watch the pretty thing flit through the branches.

"After she has rested," Gentle Whiskers tells Fluttering Bird, "take her for a walk around the room. Have her walk as often as she is able. Try to prevent her from going back to bed before dark."

"Yes, Father," Fluttering Bird says.

"Will I see you again soon?" I ask, pulling his sleeve when he is turning away.

"Yes," he smiles and strokes my hair. "Perhaps tomorrow."

"Good," I return his smile. "I feel safe when you are near."

"I am glad to hear that, Consort Lin," he bows and walks out carrying his bag.

"What does 'princess' and 'consort' mean?" I ask Fluttering Bird.

"A princess is the legitimate daughter born of the first wife of a king or emperor," she says with a small smile, but her brows are wrinkled. "A consort means you as a woman, belong specially to the Emperor."

I am not sure I understand, and so disregard the information.

~~~

I sit at the window and watch the birds. They dart and dance on the wind. They sing and hop among the flowers in the grass. It is green. Green fills the window from the trees to the grass to the frilly plants that hang from a wall. Colours dot the green. White and yellow, purple and blue. Red and pink and orange.

"What are you thinking, Lady Lin?" asks Fluttering Bird.

"Thinking?"

"What are you saying to yourself?" she tries again.

"Tofu – I – am not speaking," I reply, catching myself. My centre still feels like tofu, but they are all assured I am certainly not. I am still waiting for the woman called Lin Singhua to sink to the centre and displace the tofu there.

"What were you looking at then?" Fluttering Bird pulls out a piece of pearly cloth and a silver needle darts in and out, flashing as it swims through the cloth.

"Green. What is that?" I try to catch the silver. Perhaps it is like a fish, but when I reach for it, it bites. A red bead swells out from my finger and sharp pain throbs at the tip.

"Oh, oh!" Fluttering Bird flusters.

Fluttering Bird holds my hand and her eyes shoot toward the door. She pulls me up, but I stumble to the floor at the suddenness. She slaps her own cheeks a few times, throwing away the pearly cloth. Straining with red face, she helps me slowly rise back to sit in my seat and then rushes off to a basin on the other side of the room. I examine my hand, looking for the red bead, but it is gone, leaving instead a red smear. The pain continues to throb.

A cool wet cloth is pressed over my finger and wipes away the red smear. Fluttering Bird's fingers tremble as she touches my hand.

"Are you injured? Are you hurt?"

"Pain jumps on my finger," I tell her with a smile. It is a curious feeling, "like it wants to jump off. Like this." I press on her finger in time to the throbbing. "What happened to the red bead?"

"We wiped it away," Fluttering Bird seems to shudder and sigh. "Oh, the Emperor will be angry."

"Why?"

"He wants no more harm to come to you. If he hears you were injured by my needle, I will die. Why did you grab at my needle like that?"

"It was a fish swimming through the cloth."

Fluttering Bird makes strange noises in her throat and shakes her head, wiping away the dots of water that has appeared on her nose.

"Sit here. I will take it away so that it will not happen again."

Fluttering Bird takes the pearly cloth away with the silver needle and a little cushion filled with colours. I wait and wait, but she does not return. I tire of staring out at the green and birds and am thirsty. Seeing the water basin and jug on the other side of the room, I rise trembling to my feet, holding the chair's arms so hard that my hands hurt. My legs shake and I feel as if I am a leafy bush being blown by the wind.