CHAPTER 9

1 . Grandma is eighty-eight years eld and still drives her o car. She write n Deer Grond daughter, The other day went up to our local Christion beok stere and sewa Honk if you love lesua' bumper sticker. Iwat feeling particuiarly sesy that day becoute Ihad jurt come from e thriling cheir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting Sa, Ibought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, om igledi did what on uplifting experience that fallowed. Iwas stopped eteredlight et e bury intersection, just lest in thought about the Lord end heow good he and I didn't netice that the light hod changed tise good thing someone else leves Jesus bece if he hadn'thanked, renever have noticed. Ifound thet lots of people love eal While t war sitting there, the guy behind sterted honking ke crary, and then he leaned out ef his window end sereamed, Tor the leve of Ged Gol Gel Get Jenus Christ, Gor What en enuberant cheerleader he wos fer erust Everyene sterted honking just leaned out my window and sterted woving end amiling at all these loving people Teven h m honked my horn e few times to shere ine the love! There must have been a man from Floride back there becouse heard him yelling something about e sunny beach. Isow enather guy weving in e funny way with enly his middle finger stuck up in the air. Iested my young teenege grandion in the bock seat what that meant. He said it was probebly e Hawelian goed tuck sign er semething We Ihave never met anyane frem Hewai, leaned out the window and gove him the good luck sign right beck My grandsen burst eut leughing Why even he wer enjoying this retigious experiencel A couple of the peple were so cought up in the joy of the mament that they got out of their cars and started walking twards me. Ibet they wanted to pray or ak what church fettended, but ths lew is is when tnoticed the light had changed Se grinning, twaved at ell my bvethers and sisters, and drove en through the intersection Inoticed that i was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed egain and felt kind of sod that i had to leove them after all the lave we hod shored. Sel alowed the cor down, leaned out the window and gove them ell the Hawaiian good uck sign one lent time as drove away. Prolse the Lord for such wonderful folkatt wi write ogain seon love, Grandma .

2. There was a phone call for the head teacher, so she picked the phone and said, "Yes?" And a voice said, "T'm terribly sorry, Darren Wilkins school today." So the headmistress said, "Why not? And the voice said, "Because he's ill in bed." So the headmistress said, "Oh deor, what a shame and who speaking please?" And the voice said, "My dad."

3. Dad was leaving to go to America. He had four minutes to catch his train to the airport, His family were all standing on the pavement saying goodbye to him when, suddenly, he realized he couldn't find his air ticket .

So he said to his son, "Dash back to the flat and see if I left the ticket up there".

4 . One fine day, a man goes to gather coconuts. He takes his horse along with a cart. Soon, the man reaches his destination along with his horse. He finds many coconut trees. He gathers as many coconuts as fast as he could. Quickly he loads allof them onto his cart. After gathering and loading his horse cart, he begins his journey back home. By the time, the man comes to the main road, it was already afternoon. As he was slowly making his way back home, the man met a young boy. "How long do you think it will take me to reach my home?" the man asked. The boy carefully looks at the man's cart and then says, "If you go slowly, you'll reach home faster. But if you hurry, it will take twice the time." After saying that the boy quickly walked away. ies The man continued on with his coconuts and cart. But he could not forget what the young boy had told him. "Ifi go slow, I will reach faster? What kindof logicis that? he wondered & never found an answer. Meanwhile, he rushed his horse. The more he rushed his horse, the more his journey was interrupted. When the horse was rushed, many a coconut fell off the cart. The man had to stop and pick them again. Finally, late at night, the man reached his home. Only after reaching his home later than expected, he understood what the little boy had meant.

5. Ina village, there lived a couple, Konrad and Kristine. As the years had passed, Konrad had become more ill-tempered. One day, when Konrad returned after a heavy day ofwork, the wife became even more annoyed. Because when Konrad entered, he brought in all the dirtas well. But then she had a brilliant idea. She suggested that they interchange their jobs, as Konrad seemed unhappy with his job. The next morning Kristine took the sickle and went straight to work skipping her breakfast. After tending to their son, Konrad went into the kitchen. After studying the cupboards and the icebox, he realized they had no butter. So the churn was brought out and started churning cream. But soon he got tired. While Konrad was trying to get some ale, he heard some footsteps over his head. At once, he ran to catch the intruder. But he soon found that it was their pig, who was merrily making his way towardsthe churn. The churn had been toppled and the cream poured out. Although Konrad was upset, the pig grunted merrily. Konrad had to catch the pig, so he chased it. All the while forgetting the ale and knob he had turned. By the time he had caught the little pig, the ale had spilled all over the floor.

6. One day I got a call from the bank -

 "Ma'am, your payment is due for the credit card xxxx xxxx xxxx 6013. Please pay immediately."

"But I haven't used it for a long time. It seems there is some confusion at your end."

"No ma'am, there is no confusion at all. You have Rs. 5000 due, to pay for the non-transaction fee. Since you didn't do any transactions on the card for the last 3 years, you will have to pay Rs. 5000 now."

"This is unfair. When I didn't use the card, why would I pay for it?"

"Ma'am, you should have thought about this before applying for the card. Please pay Rs. 5000 now."

"No way... I am not going to pay for it."

"You will have to pay, ma'am. You will have to follow the rules."

"Okay, in that case, I would like to cancel my card. I don't want this card anymore."

"That's fine ma'am. You can cancel the card, but before canceling, please clear all the dues. Pay Rs. 5000 first. Without clearing dues, you can't cancel the card."

"I will not pay for not using the card."

"Please don't force us to take any strict action against you, ma'am. You will have to pay Rs. 5000 now, after which you may even cancel the card."

"Do you think, I am insane? I will not give you a single penny. I have not used the card, why would I pay for it? I will come to your office tomorrow, to talk to your manager."

"Sure, ma'am. Have a nice day. Before ending the call, do you want to upgrade your credit card to platinum one?"

"No, I don't want to. I don't use this card."

"If you upgrade your card today, you will get some exciting offers also."

"What are the offers?"

"There will be no 'No transaction fee' on the new platinum card. And there is a cash reward also for those customers who are upgrading today."

"How much is the cash reward."

"Rs. 5000, ma'am."

7. It was a late winter's evening when the landscape was awash with rains. In their beautiful country house, the Blemley's were hosting a party. Emma Hornswoggle, as she was previously known, was having the time of her life being the center of attention. Lord Charles Blemley and she were chatting with Lady Dwight when I introduced them to Carlyle Appin. Even though he came from a well-to-do family, there had always been an aura of enigma around him and I had discovered this during the days when he had stayed with us in the family house when the Blemley's had been away in London. And much of this was courtesy my sister's cat Tobermory without which he would seldom be seen. In fact, when it was time for him to leave, I realized just how fixated he was with the cat. The mystery was almost killing me now.

"And here we have our feline host," Lord Blemley said as Tobermory snuck behind Mr. Appins who picked her up in his arms and ran his hand lovingly through her fur.

"I must concede that she is the most fantastic cat I have ever seen," Mr. Appins said appreciatively. "She's no ordinary cat."

"Tobermory and Mr. Appins here had a special camaraderie going on. And I am sure-" I say, but Mr. Appins interrupts.

"A long time ago, I discovered how to teach animals to talk and Tobermory here is my first successful pupil."

There was silence following the initial bewildered reaction of the host and myself; all of us in our own capacity were trying to weigh in his words. Mr. Appins, however, seemed undaunted.

"You don't really expect us to believe that Tobermory can talk, do you?" Emma asked aloud in astonishment, attracting the attention of people around, who broke away from mundane conversations to flock together instantly.    

"If you can be so lucky as to wed Lord Blemley, then why is it impossible for me to speak?" Tobermory said slyly, his speech not indicative of any discomfort. Emma, on the other hand, had turned red with embarrassment and was just short of thundering. Other guests were as excited as if they had chanced upon gold.

"What do you mean?" she asked in a strained voice.

"Well, if a woman like you, who barely has a mind of her own, can trick Lord Blemley into marrying you, then my extraordinary intelligence can get me to talk your language as well," Tobermory said dispassionately and then continued. "Besides, it isn't too hard to master."

Even in my wildest dreams, I hadn't imagined a scenario like this. Shock and utter disbelief were palpable in the air.

"What do you mean by this?" Lord Blemley bellowed, his anger directed at Emma.

"It means that your wife's mission of want of connection has been successful! Look at all the attention she's getting today!"

"This house-party wasn't organized for this purpose..."

"Of course it wasn't, My Lord. It is a part of a blueprint to achieve a similar victory for her brother Bradley here. No wonder he pities your intelligence!"

Something had to be done, and quick. "What treachery is this, Mr. Appins?" I ask. I could see the panic spreading now; all those who had ever spoken a word in front of Tobermory were in a sudden hurry to depart.

"The very same you're trying to pull here Mr. Hornswoggle. No wonder you're named that!" I couldn't think of any words to say. Tobermory jumped out of Carlyle's hold and went to rest against his velvet cushion, leaving impending doom in his wake.