My Soulmate

This began the ending of my fourth grade year and heading into fifth so I was about nine or ten. I am sure she would remember this memory too, our very first meeting at one of our ex-best friend's birthday party her name was April. I knew April had another best friend because I would rarely see her as she was two years older than me but our parents knew one another from going to the same church. Anyways, this was April's birthday party for some odd reason I drew my attention to the Gazebo that was at the party and let me tell you when I laid eyes on her I thought my world was spinning, I know fourth graders weren't so into boys or girls at this point but to me this blonde hair teenager caught my attention. I walked up to her and shyly as always said hi to whom it was, I don't think she heard me but April did then we got introduced and as the party was ending an our new friendship blossomed, she got dared to lift me off the ground and without hesitation she did an I felt myself turn so bright red as I buried my head against her chest with giggles. This teenager at the time was Courtney, I didn't get a last name until I reached Middle School but that night I didn't sleep, I had the jitters of making a new friend and developed a major crush(it wasn't minor) far from it.

Flash forward to my sixth grade year, I saw her again and oh my god did my heart go wild like I saw her again for the first time. I never said out loud that I was lesbian either though I knew the term due to being online by the age of nine, I think maybe sooner than that. Anyways, when we hung out at school, her house, my house, and anyone else's house or we would go to the mall I would always stand so close to her, I didn't care who saw or who knew. I liked her though I never said it out loud just like when I came out at age thirteen to being bisexual(that is far from the truth). Courtney became more than just someone I could vent too, she became my world and I had to have her in it. When she left for High School and I was still in Middle School, I fell into a deep depression, and it hurt badly not seeing her daily at school. I felt my world fall apart before my eyes as I did achieve my Middle School years but once I reached High School, my world changed again.

My freshman year became my nightmare more than my Middle School as a sixth grader, yes, I had endured trauma not because of my health but something more. I still hid my sexuality of being lesbian even though I would tell my mother from sixth grade to high school but it didn't make a difference. Anyways, once me and Courtney were hanging out I believe all through ninth grade before she had to move and trust me when that happened my world fell apart once more. I was lost alone and hated my life. She would always call me until I had moved myself out of state, though I always went back home in hopes to find Courtney there. I don't think my parents understood why I went back home after moving to a whole new state but I did and I hated it the men I dated were cruel and treated me so badly. One guy actually enforced my lesbian lifestyle at age nineteen when I wasn't ready but that story is done passed this is about her. He helped me but at the same time, he broke my heart and I will leave it at that.

Once I came back into West Virginia at almost twenty, I found the guy that would become my daughter's father and that relationship was on and off due to me hiding my sexuality and also me going back an forth to Florida knowing damn well that she wasn't there but it was home and that led to bad relationships with guys too. I came back before I turned twenty-one to the same guy, worst part is a few months before my twenty-first birthday I caught him seeing another woman out of the area and it broke my heart. In 2009, I became pregnant with our daughter on my birthday and six months down to the near end of my pregnancy he leaves me for a woman he calls his wife. I have lived with my parents since bringing her into this world, Courtney was the only one besides my family knew that I was having child, she came here a week after having my baby in 2010 and my feelings for her sky rocketed. When we held hands on my bed with my baby in the middle, I had sexual urges that I never felt before and nervous through the roof. I knew I liked Courtney but man, did I really fall hard for her. I knew she was seeing some guy but in my heart I wanted her more than anything, I just didn't say so.

When I dated guys, I hated it because of the way they treated me and we both experienced that. I went to threesome relationships with couples and married couples, I despised it with every ounce of my body but it was experimenting to see if I could handle it and yeah, that taught me, I am more for a woman. So, back to what I was saying as she moved out of my parents home to be with the man she so loved and wanted to be happy with, my heart broke because the couple I stayed with didn't let me say goodbye or even see her, my world had ripped apart because my best friend meant everything to me and I didn't get to see her, the only thing I could do is text her a long goodbye message and that me an my daughter love her so much an we would miss her.

Now, move onto 2018, I was finally able to come out as lesbian once and for all without my mother saying it's just a phase. Gosh, for years, I hated it and I wanted to cry each time because it wasn't a joke, I was dead serious. Hell, when I got with my man the first year in 2014, my mom denied me again and I wanted to scream so damn bad because she didn't let me be myself ever since I was 12 or 13 I knew damn well I wasn't straight but I hid it for her sake. Anyways when I finally came out, I felt a weight lifted after I announced and told everyone including the man I am with which he freaked out but what is new there. I don't know when she decided to come out as lesbian but our timelines have been pretty close when revealing our feelings for one another. I did try and date other women online in between all the years, or have myself involved with multiple women but in the end since 2010 after I had my baby, she has been the only eyes I fell for besides my other best friend Sheila though that isn't happening or going anywhere, we are too far apart and she is happy in her love life again.

To conclude this: I am happy with Courtney and always will be, she is my whole world, I never realized how much she meant to me until we were both comfortable in Florida for my grandpa's funeral last year. Holding hands and cuddling, I swore I wanted to kiss her a few times but I didn't for the fact that my man was standing near us or I knew he wouldn't be too far off. I fell in love with her when she has been by my side this whole time and I am still excited to have her in my life and when she moves up here to West Virginia.

I LOVE YOU COURTNEY SUMMER PHILLIPS ALWAYS AND FOREVER!