Coming Out Clean

June 7th, 2018

Here I am as a 29-year-old woman in this tale of a life that I have rather not discuss but it has been brought to my attention that my life has taken a curveball. I am no longer identify as bisexual though I am now lesbian. You are wondering how this came to be, so let me light it up for you with my own life.

My name is Amber Marie Kestner, I was born on October 7th, 1988 to my wonderful parent's Eric and Cheryl. At the age of thirteen, I discovered I liked girls because I have will admit to flirting with girls online, yes, online first girl Nina Amato not sure how I ever came across her but that girl changed my opinion of girls all together. So, I would write about how I felt in my journal about girls though that did land me in trouble with my mom whose very religious at the time, when I turned sixteen still exploring the idea of sleeping with girls in real life, my mom read my journal when she found out I liked girls that I flat out I told her I think I am bisexual but still wasn't sure of my identity because all I did was ask people or looked online, I didn't have much guidance into finding out who I was. A mess of periods, hormones, boys hurting me emotionally, being raped, and so forward life wasn't grand for me with boys it was horrible. Periods would cause me to say I am a lesbian, my mom would deny the fact each time saying it is just a phase, it'll pass, and everything. My mom wouldn't accept the truth when I broke down and cried on it. So, as I got older I learned to just keep quiet though every period I had I would still break down and cry say I am lesbian, though not around boyfriends that would cause trouble so I wouldn't say a word to them. I did take a lot of emotional abuse from boys growing into men as I got older myself it never easily when I would admit to a guy I was dating that I liked girls, I got hated for it and told me to read the bible, most would pressure me to stay straight or read a bible for punishment.

Now, is the point in 2009 where I found out life took a turn, I had this girl she would stalk me day in and day out, it was like an obsession, no it wasn't Nina Amato. It was Stacy Wrighte that girl became trouble when we did finally get together late 2010, early 2011 though in early 2011 we did finally sleep together in real life. Myself, enjoyed it though we didn't go all the way, she didn't though but it was her own fault for not doing so. In late 2011, I had heart surgery my first one, she was okay with that fine dandy. Six months down the road when I went into my second surgery early 2012, she decided after my two weeks in the hospital to cheat on me, it broke my heart the woman I loved so much, gave everything for tore me apart because I had to have surgery to make myself feel better. After her, I never did date again one on one with another woman I went on to threesomes though that led to jealousy a lot because I wanted the woman more than anything. After that, went with men again though that didn't help at all in my mental world.

Coming into 2014, after one harsh break-up mid-year because a guy I dated late 2013 he was also obsessed with me after years of telling him no, though after six months of his ways I left him, gone forbidden to be around again. I went one week without a boyfriend or girlfriend, yes, one week though I have always wanted to find one particular one, well okay either/or of the brother's that leads to my next guy Larry Surber Jr., he was out of a relationship for two months, and me, only a week I wasn't heartbroken just wanted to move on with life, I am raising a then three-year-old little girl. I have known Larry since the summer of 2001, though we were talking over the phone before our first date. We have gone through hardships for our first two years, his anger from his family, needing mental help, and so forth it was rocky, too say the least but I loved him then and so did Melanie, so I did what I thought was best, and kept him around. Five years later, he is still around though we entered a life that couldn't be changed.

Mid of this year, I experienced weight gain, cravings, and everything that could of led to a wonderful life with a baby. Multiple testings plus one period negative result then a second period that lasted two weeks though that led to me look up some information because doctor's informed me, my walls in my womanhood were closing, sure enough looking it up that if a woman is in denial of her sexuality that her walls will close so when I decided to make the announcement I took several long breaths on June 7th went to my mom first, and flat out said, "Mom, please don't hate me, but I am lesbian." she didn't know what to say but did accept it. My dad, I knew he wouldn't care. My wonderful loving man, on the other hand, freaked out assumed I was breaking up with him, leaving him for another woman, and anything that his head could be filled with. I let him calm down explaining myself to him on our personal aspects of our relationship, and how we handle it. I did open up on all my social networks, most were accepting, others didn't say a thing though either way my period stopped but I am not pregnant, so I am taking care of myself other ways.

Today, I am single with no girlfriend whatsoever. I am right now, enjoying being a mom to a little girl who's growing up so fast, a man who loves me for me even though I am lesbian, and we aren't as intimate as we used to be but we enjoy date night's out on the town. Life for me is wonderful just as it is. In the end, I hope it reaches a lot of you and helps you understand even in the LGBTQ+ that we do have it hard even for those hiding an identity to come forward.