TWO

I never knew about Jonathan.

All I knew about was his long hair.

As I went to my high school, he was waiting for me at the gate.

"Can we go to our classroom", he asked.

"Sure."

We went to the classroom and this time Jonathan changed his place with the girl who used to sit next to me.

"Can we go out today?." He asked.

"Sure."

As the class was over, he helped me to pack my bags. Everyone was staring at us.

"Binisha, do you want to go out with me today", a red-haired boy asked.

"No, sorry I am going with Jonathan today".

He then pushed Jonathan and got out of the class making angry eye contact till he saw him. Maybe, he doesn't want it to happen.

We went to the restaurant and Jonathan ordered some pizzas.

"Do you drink beer?", He asked.

"Yes, but I don't want to drink it today."

As the pizza arrived at our table. Jonathan asked me to take a bite at first and I did so.

He then put his hand on mine and he said he wants to stay with me forever.

"Binisha, I love you. I want to be with you now and forever. I really wanted to be in touch with you from the beginning but I never had got chance. I don't know what will you decide about this but the truth is I love you more than anything."

I was speechless. I asked if we could leave as fast as possible.

"Are you angry?"

"No, I am not. I have to ask my mother about this. I am sorry, I can't reply about these."

And then we walked outside of the restaurant and he drove me to my home.

I knew he wants me to turn back and smile but I didn't.

I entered my room and watched him go from my window.

"Who is he?"

"Nobody mom, just a classmate."

"Are you hiding something?"

"No mom, I am not."

I can't talk about him right now.

I am 15 years old and I can make my own decision. I remember when my mom told me about her boyfriend when she was 14 and I am likely more aged than her. But excuse me, I am not telling you that I will make him my boyfriend. I need some time.

I need time to think about it, not to be sure about making him my boyfriend. Augh! Again, I said a boyfriend. I won't make him my boyfriend. So, it means I am neglecting him to make my boyfriend. Oh shit, I said boyfriend again.

I want to be a writer so I should focus on it.

I asked my mom that I will quit my study after tenth so that I will engage in writing some song lyrics, novels or poems.

Necco is my favourite writer. One of his book "The Virgin Lips" was so great that I actually cried in the ending. Before dedicating his life completely to literature, he worked as a poet, lyricist and journalist.

In 1990, Necco published "Tears of summers" and but it went on to become one of the best selling books of all time.

I wish if I was Necco. I know, I ain't because I am a girl. Funny?

Likewise, Jonathan and I had a great time and one day he kissed me on my lips where I couldn't even react to it. I was flying in the sky. It felt like I was floating in the river. It was something extra that I had never realised. It was of another taste. I know it may sound wired but it was the feeling. The feeling that the world knows as Love. I was in Love for the first time.

Jonathan had called me for 10th times but my phone was on silent. He left a message that he wants to meet me because it was Saturday. I said I was coming to him.

I asked my mom that I will be going out with friends and went to the location where Jonathan had called me.

"Binisha, over here."

He was in his car waving hands towards me and he opened the front door of the car as I went near.

"Where are we going?"

"Sit, I will explain."

We drove.

"Binisha, I am leaving the country."

"Leaving?"

"Yes. So, I am sorry for everything. Forget what I told you that day in the restaurant."

I didn't know what to say so I looked outside the window and said nothing.

"Are you sad, Binisha"?

"No why should I, I mean yes but not that way."

"Ok, I got that. But Binisha, I think we need to break up. Please try to understand."

I couldn't speak a single word. The sky feels like it was falling on me. It felt like I was drowning in the river. It was something extra that I had never realised. It was of another taste. I know it may sound wired but it was the feeling. The feeling that the world knows as Pain. I was in pain for the first time.

He dropped me on my front door and then he left. From that day till now, we haven't met or talked.

I locked myself in the room, cried for months.

I picked up something when I was attempting to proceed onward from the separation. I don't have the foggiest idea how I learned it, perhaps the vast majority of the young ladies learn in a similar when they are separated from everyone else. I erroneously contact in that part when I was simply scrubbing down and I simply cherished doing it. I do it most of the time when I feel like giving up on something. I searched about it and I came to knew it's called masturbation. It's like satisfying yourself without anyone help. I don't know how I did that but it was more than playing with your fingers. It was something I really loved to do. Weekly, I used to do that and help myself get out of the stress. I learned the different ways to satisfy myself. From one finger to two, I just switched. I wanted to ask my mom about it but I was scared but as I went on researching about it, I found that it was the thing that should be kept yourself. So, I never shared this with anyone.

After my 10th grade, I quit my study and engaged in writing novels and poems.

I wrote an e-book name "When You Are Gone" in the memory of the guy who left me which got more than 50k views on Wattpad that was enough for me because it was my first book.

I didn't expose myself as Binisha on the e-book but as "Miss Zero" because I don't want to show myself.

Like a marshmallow in the music industry and like a famous writer Necco.

Ok, just Necco. It's actually I replicated his style by concealing my personality. My fantasy was to meet him.

I made a record on Instagram as "Miss Zero" and I utilized it to transfer my sonnets and statements where I was discreetly being famous step by step.

One day I received a mail from the publisher who wanted to publish my book "When you are gone".

The publisher wanted to meet me, but I wanted to hide my identity as Binisha because I haven't mentioned my name in any part of my book.

He asked me to meet him after 4 days and I explained to him why I will meet him with a face mask.