Chapter 3: Getting Right With Self, Part 1

Hayden was staring at the phone number that MyKell had left on a slip of paper. When she'd returned that day, MyKell had been gone but there had been a brief note telling her that if she needed to contact him for her to call him on his cell phone. Then she'd seen a new number there, one that probably belonged to his new cell phone that was probably provided by his new girlfriend.

Hayden felt herself frowning. She could stand here, staring at this phone number for hours speculating about what the two of them were doing together right now, or how many times had they made love since he'd left, how many times he had called her baby… She felt another spike of hurt before it dwindled down into a dull ache. The phone rang and she hurried to it, almost picking it up before the first ring had ended. She stilled her hand and let it ring twice more before she slowly answered.

"Hello?" she tried not to sound hopeful.

"Hayden? You okay girl? You haven't been to work in two days and I was getting worried." It was her best friend Danyelle; Dani. She didn't answer. The disappointment that it wasn't him was just too strong. "Do you want me to come over? Hade?"

"I'm okay." She mumbled. "I just, need some time alone." Dani sighed, but after a moment gave a reluctant goodbye. Staring at the phone receiver, Hayden wondered just how long she was going to do this. How long was she going to rehash this betrayal, this hurt? Why couldn't this part be over already? If she could just go to sleep and wake up and it could be a year later—because then, in a year she could be skinny and over him. If there was only some way to throw this year away…

Hayden hung up the phone when it began to beep loudly and then walked into her kitchen. Her feet carried her automatically to the refrigerator before she brought herself to a stumbling halt. She blinked in disbelief at how automatic it was to open the refrigerator and to place food into her mouth without even realizing it. She had sworn to herself that she was going to go on a diet and straighten herself up—but she couldn't stay disciplined for even one day!

She looked around almost amazed at how she was living. There were unwashed dishes in the sink from the week before! Her floors needed sweeping, her laundry needed doing, her bathroom needed cleaning… but more importantly she was a hot mess; and not just physically. Her credit was a mess from indulging in her and MyKell's every whim. She needed to get right with herself; outside and in.

Hayden gritted her teeth and stormed to the sink where she filled it with hot soapy water. Almost frantically, she began to clean. Sweat ran down her body in rivulets as she moved through her house like a cleaning tornado.

Hayden did not stop moving until after 2:00 A.M. and by that time her floors were mopped and waxed, her furniture glowed with orange oil, her bathroom was scrubbed and sparkling, and her laundry was washed, folded and put away. She stripped out of her clothes, averting her eyes as she passed the mirror and stepped into her shower. She scrubbed her body and her hair but when she stepped from the bath wrinkled like a prune she felt just as dirty as she had when she had entered it.

Exhausted, Hayden slipped into her crisp clean sheets, falling asleep almost as quickly as her head touched her pillow. When she woke up the next morning, the idea that had taken root in her head wouldn't leave. She stared at the ceiling feeling the empty gnawing in her stomach—what others called hunger, but what she knew was really just an excuse to bury her pain in food.

She climbed out of bed slowly, her body sore and stiff from the impromptu workout. She picked up her telephone to call in sick yet another day, and not because she wanted to sit around and mope, but because she had a plan. Hayden walked over to the calendar that hung behind the door. April 12, 2011.

Why shouldn't she throw away the next year of her life, especially if it was to get right with herself? She had given six years to a man with no ambition, no drive and obviously no loyalty. So why shouldn't she just devote one year of her life to better herself; regardless of how much discomfort it gave her or how unpleasant it was? One year to become a new person…otherwise she would always be this woman that she had grown to hate.

Hayden returned to her bed and made it up neatly. No more messes. She had to get her house in order, her finances straight and of course she had to get right with herself.

After getting dressed she went to the supermarket and loaded the cart with healthy and nutritious food. She had always hated the taste of low fat anything and she would choose tepid water over an iced cold drink sweetened with fake sugar. Diets worked for a while, until she ended all of her hard work with a slice of cake and buffalo chicken wings. Or her daily cup of coffee loaded with whipped cream and caramel.

Hayden knew the foods that would help her to lose weight—and she knew the diets that were the most successful because she had tried them all. She just couldn't stick with anything unpleasant; including exercise, tasteless food, and denying herself some small pleasure. Hayden stared sadly at a display of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Heated for a few seconds in the microwave, and then dunked into a steaming cup of coffee, that was one of her favorite treats… Wait, she couldn't tolerate unpleasant things? She had tolerated her own gluttony and lack of drive. What do you want more Hade; doughnuts or to be someone that you can be proud of?