Chapter 12

I was free.

I had no work this evening, and I was bored staying at home so I chose to go out for a run despite my distaste of the outside world. I had been cooped up at home for the entire day. Pulling on a pair of running tights, a sports bra over a black top, I grabbed my phone, keys and earphones before I left the apartment.

It was dark out, and slightly warm. The seasons are slowly changing, the temperature is increasing which means that winter is almost over and spring is about to come. It was getting warmer, and there was more rain. Soon enough, the trees will start bearing flowers and color will come back to the earth.

I preferred Spring, I liked the colors.

Stopping at the start of the running path I usually take, I stretched my legs and began to warm up. Ten minutes in, I plugged in my earphones to my mobile phone so I could start playing music, and track my progress using a running application on my phone. Once I was ready, I started running.

I ran about five miles - in a circuit and ended up at the exercise park a few yards away from my apartment. It's a public park where you can do some stretches and burn some cardio. It's akin to a normal gym but it's free. I liked this park, and I liked it more when it's empty. I was hogging the bar, doing sit ups when I heard a scuffle and a shout of pain.

I was upside down, and saw a group of kids crowding around one boy barely six years old. I didn't know what they were demanding at him, but I unfurled myself off the bar when they shoved him to the ground.

I disliked bullies, even if they were children.

"What are you doing?" I asked as I approached them from the back, appearing from behind the fallen kid. They were just middle school kids; snot-nosed kids who barely knew anything and thought they were kings of the world. They were still young and already haughty. The group looked up, saw me and grew pale before they immediately ran away.

I sighed and turned to the boy. "Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah."

I took a good look at him. He was a cute child and he reminded me of someone I knew but I couldn't put a finger on it. He was seated on the ground, expressionless and apparently fine. I was expecting him to be bawling or shaken by the ordeal. I was impressed at how mature he was at handling this situation.

I waited until he got up from the ground; patting away the dirt off the seat of his pants.

"Do you want me to send you back home?" I asked.

He hesitated. "Yeah, that'd be nice."

"Come on."

Holding his hand after he shyly linked his hand to mine, I walked him home. We were both quiet and I didn't know what to say to him, so I merely stayed silent. He looked thoughtful and he started making weird faces, probably he was going to get an earful from his parents for wandering around late at night alone.

And getting into trouble.

Leading me the way to his house, we turned away from the park and headed down a slope to where it brought us to the other side of the street to where the terrace houses were. Telling me that his house was the fourth one, I was about to tell him to hurry up when the gate opened to reveal the familiar brown-haired beautiful boy I always see in school.

Then it dawned on me, that's why he looked familiar.

"Hajime-san."

He turned immediately upon hearing my voice calling for him, and his eyes widened in shock when he saw me standing there and then he saw the child beside me. His shocked expression turned into relief.

"Kotaro! Thank God!"

"How do you know him?" the child asked in curiosity.

"We're friends."

Hajime-san ran towards us and grabbed his little brother into a relieved hug, before checking him for any wounds or injuries. I was taken aback at how serious he looked, and I knew how much he cares for this little brother. Seeing him unscathed and fine, he let out a sigh and told him sternly to head home immediately.

I was nervous.

"Hey Izumi, thanks for bringing him back home in one piece," he said as he straightened up to address me. He had a relieved smile on his face. "Where did you find him?"

His gaze wandered across my body, and it dawned on me that I was dressed more revealingly than my usual attire for school. I had on just a tank top, leaving my arms and neck exposed. My tattoos and scars were prominently visible to him at that moment. While part of me desired his understanding of who I truly was, I couldn't help but feel a growing sliver of fear creeping in.

"I was out running when I passed by the playground," I answered. "A bunch of middle school kids were bullying him, so I think you need to keep a look out for your brother."

Hajime-san was visibly surprised by my words, his reaction showing a fleeting concern that quickly vanished. He nodded firmly in response. Closing the gap between us, he stood so near that our bodies were almost in contact. His hand extended toward my neck, prompting a reflexive reaction from me as I instinctively reached out and grasped his hand.

"Did you hurt yourself?" he asked quietly.

I can't maintain eye contact with him any longer as a surge of pain grips my chest. I'm unable to bring myself to respond. My mind is in a state of panic, feeling as though my lungs are constricted, and I'm on the verge of a panic attack. Hajime-san has witnessed me in my most vulnerable state, the one person I never wanted to see me like this.

He's seen through my facade of wanting to appear composed and strong, effortlessly observing my weaknesses despite my best efforts to conceal them from the world. Why was I so careless? How could I have anticipated running into people from my school during my jog? Why did I even choose to wear a tank top today?

"It's alright Izumi," he said softly.

I can't breathe.

No, it's not alright! You won't understand!

"I need to go," I mumbled and retreated.

My mind was breaking apart. My calmness has fallen into pieces, lying scattered around my bare feet. I need to find a place to hide, and let this anxiety attack wash away. I need to go before I reveal more of my vulnerability to him and I didn't want that at all. My feet began to guide me away from him, the one light I didn't wish to diminish.

"Wait!"

I fled.

Running down the street, I traced the path directed by his younger brother, heading towards the exercise park adjacent to the playground. Gasping in sheer panic, I hastily darted into one of the semi-circular tunnels nestled beneath the main playground structure, seeking refuge in the darkness.

Breathless and trembling, I huddled into a fetal position, attempting to steady my erratic breathing. Fear and panic surged unchecked through my body, causing chaos within my mind. Reality seemed elusive, and all I yearned for at that moment was to erase the recent events from my memory.

"Izumi?!"

"Where are you, Izumi?"

No, why are you here? Go away!

"Izumi, please let me know where you are!"

I let out a pained sob, begging him to go away. Why does he have to be here? I don't want him to see me this weak and fragile. I closed my ears with my hands and squeezed my eyes shut. I need to drown out his voice and concentrate on my breathing, in and out, in and out, before I lose control of all sense.

"Izumi?" his voice sounded near. "Are you in there?"

NO! GO AWAY!

I don't want you to see me like this.

His voice turned gentle suddenly. "It's okay, don't be afraid of me. Keep on breathing. I am right here, I won't go anywhere. Breathe, please Izumi."

He maintained a gentle and composed dialogue, speaking steadily to ease me out of my panicked state. It became evident that he was well-versed in calming techniques, offering reassurance. As he continued speaking, discussing his usual topics, my racing heartbeat gradually slowed, and my breathing returned to a calm rhythm. With a sense of astonishment, I rose and peered into the darkness.

"Hajime-san."

"Izumi? Are you okay?"

"Yes."

"Can I come in or are you coming out?"

I hesitated, reluctant to confront him at this moment, yet realizing it was inevitable. I couldn't evade facing him indefinitely. With a deep breath, I gathered the courage to emerge from the cave into the open. The nearby streetlight cast its glow upon me as I emerged, revealing Hajime-san sitting on the ground with a faint smile gracing his handsome face.

"Hello there," he greeted gently.

"Hi," I answered roughly, keeping my eyes away.

"Let's go home."

I nodded.

"I'll walk you home."

"Okay."

…

He discovered my struggle with anxiety attacks and demonstrated an ability to ease me out of those moments effortlessly as if he instinctively knew how to help. I felt uncertain about how to respond or what expression to wear when I encountered him the following day, especially since I had avoided making eye contact when he escorted me home the day before.

My concern stemmed from the fear of being misunderstood, as many others I'd encountered tended to mock or disdain those grappling with mental health issues due to their lack of understanding. I dreaded the possibility of jeopardizing my friendship with Hajime-san over this incident, hoping instead that he would be able to accept this aspect of who I am.

Even if it was a slight chance.

"What are you looking so forlorn about early in the morning, Izumi?"

I jerked in surprise, turning to see the one man I was thinking about and my face heated up without my permission. He was towering above me; an inquisitive look on his face as he looked down at me.

He was too close.

"N-nothing," I mumbled. "Good morning, Hajime-san."

"You know, I have a question to ask."

My heart leaped in fear. Is he about to bring up yesterday? I'm not prepared to discuss it at this moment, I don't think I can handle it. 

"What is it?" I asked.

He looked thoughtful. "Why don't you call me senpai?"

I tilted my head in confusion. "Do you want me to?" I asked.

"Yes. Try it." He looked very serious.

"Hajime-senpai."

He displayed minimal reaction, yet there was an evident struggle beneath the surface. Observing him closely, I unintentionally let out a laugh. It prompted a momentary change in his expression, a fleeting shift to a different expression before he returned to his serious demeanor.

"I don't really like it though," he pointed out.

"Then what should I call you?" I asked.

He hesitated and grew bashful suddenly. I don't know what he was thinking but I had an idea. Giving him a knowing look, I waited for him to say it aloud so I knew we're on the same page.

"Just Hajime will be fine," he mumbled, his eyes averted and a slight blush on his cheeks.

Oh. "No way!"

My hands instinctively covered my face as embarrassment flushed my cheeks. Calling him by his name alone seemed like a significant step, signifying a desire for a closer bond beyond mere acquaintanceship. Removing the "san" honorific felt like an elevation in our friendship, a deliberate move towards a deeper connection.

"Call me Hajime."

"No!"

I hurried away before he could say anything further. Remaining there felt impossible; I doubted I could maintain my composure. The situation was embarrassing and unfamiliar, a space I wasn't prepared to navigate. Frankly, I couldn't fathom why he suggested it in the first place. It all felt overwhelmingly embarrassing and uncomfortable for me.

…