You must think that I'm stupid.
You must think that I'm a fool like I'm fucking new to this. But I've seen this all before. I've experienced this all before you did. I know what it feels like, what it tastes like until I anticipate it before it happens so it won't hurt me. Before they hurt me, I'd better do it first. Before they leave me, I am well-prepared and the quicker my tears stay dry.
It's sad that it's true.
I am only ten, but I feel much older. I could feel my soul resonating within me, many years older than my shell was. It was hardening itself, not allowing anything to pass through it. I could feel myself getting bitter and cold, heartless even.
"Izumi!"
I turned to see little Natsu with his fiery eyes and spiky sandy hair, ambling his way to me, his hands stuffed in his pockets. He likes to wear jackets twice his size and I think he just wanted to be an adult faster. That was just letting himself know that it takes time. We both knew what we wanted.
"You good?" he asks.
"Yeah."
"Sleep?"
I paused. "Barely."
Natsu threw an arm over me, bringing himself close, and stayed quiet as he stared off ahead coolly. I said nothing to that, wrapped an arm around his waist, and pressed my face against his neck.
"We'll be fine," he says. "I won't go away."
He knows what I want, he knows what I fear and he says the one thing that I want to hear so fluidly that I don't really know what to do or say so I just try to stay calm as I can.
"Do you think she's in a better place?"
"Of course, she is." He answers without hesitation.
I can feel my eyes tearing up. I'm going to cry again. "But she's not with Liam yet, and she told me before that her favorite place to be is with me or with Liam," I say and I stop, my throat has tightened up. "And now she's gone -"
"Hey now, she's in a better place and she's waiting for us there," Natsu interrupts swiftly.
I nod and press my face against his neck, inhaling the scent that I had grown accustomed to. He kept me in his embrace, bringing both his arms around me as if shielding me from the world around me.
…
"You know why she's always wearing long sleeves even though it's hot?"
"Oh yes, there's a rumor going on about it."
"I heard she's the real deal."
"What do you mean?"
"I heard she's hiding her tattoos from her colorful childhood life, and she is still in that group."
"What group?"
"Don't be daft!"
"You know, the delinquent group that's making a lot of fuss around here."
"I wonder why he likes her."
"I bet her tattoos are distasteful."
These are usually the whispered rumors going on about me.
To them, they live and breathe regarding the social ladder in the school. The top rungs of the ladder belong to the elite; sportsmen who are handsome and beautiful, for those who hold good grades like the President of the Student Council, and so on and so forth. They believe this social ladder keeps the system intact and nothing will shake this. The bottom rungs belong to the delinquents; the trouble-makers and the failures which to them, I belong in.
To them, I wasn't supposed to be in contact with Hajime-san and his team of volleyball players at all. I wasn't supposed to be seen talking to them, or hanging out during lunch or outside school. The top rung and bottom rung of the social ladder aren't supposed to be close, as per the position of the ladder.
It was hilarious.
Also, answering their questions, I do wear long sleeves, a turtle neck with the lightest and thinnest material that exists beneath my short-sleeves blouse during the hot seasons. It is because of my weird clothing style that caught the attention of everyone, what is not the norm is usually ridiculed.
Hajime-san has not asked me why I wore an extra shirt beneath my blouse, and he was always looking worried whenever he saw me around. I don't know why he holds that kind of expression and it made me worried.
Did anyone say anything to him? And what did they tell him?
"Hajime-san," I called out and beckoned him over.
He was with his friends, a bunch of girls from his class and he excused himself to make his way toward me, holding an inquisitive look on his face. I held the grin on my face and grabbed his wrist before tugging him away from the corridor, towards the vending machine downstairs. It looked funny, as I was the one doing the pulling while the older and taller guy was being pulled along.
It was funny.
Down by the vending machine, I bought two drinks and handed one over to him. He took it without a word, and we stood by the wall drinking.
"Are you on break?" he asked.
I stopped sipping suddenly and turned to him curiously. I wanted to tell him that I knew that he knew my break times, so I guess he was being subtle.
"I skipped class," I replied.
"Izumi -"
"I got enough credit for this class," I interrupted.
"Why are you skipping Kousuke-sensei's class?" he asked curiously and ruffled my hair, trying to make it messier than it was. "You're going to get into trouble, you know."
I shrugged and stared down at my can, as I enjoyed the sensation on my head. I liked the way his big hand felt against my hair. The only reason I left class was because Hajime-san would be free now, as he was changing classes and I would be able to meet him even for a short while.
"You're very docile," he said suddenly. "You used to be like a feral cat."
I made an embarrassed sound and I couldn't look him in the eye when he said that. How can he say something like that? Knowing that he had arrived at an annoying spot, he let out a light laugh and pulled me into a hug, his head resting against my shoulder as he wrapped his arms around me.
It was a very awkward hug for him, he was bent almost ninety degrees by the shoulders as I was too short to be hugged properly.
"I'm guessing you're not free this afternoon," he said, as he raised his head to release me from the hug. "I'll see you after work then, Izumi."
I nodded and we went our separate ways. He headed to his next class while I went to the roof to wait for the remaining minutes of the math lesson. I laid down on the roof, by the edge of the bench so I had the shade on me while I could enjoy watching the bright blue sky. Sighing, I crossed my arms to pillow my head as I closed my eyes to rest.
It was such a peaceful, quiet moment that sleep took over almost immediately.
…
We had another round of examinations before summer break, and I had another round of intense mugging in the library prior to that. One week of craziness passed by quickly, and I got my results quickly too.
As we were about to end class, I noticed Hajime-san and the rest of the third year lounging by the back pillar outside my classroom. Seeing them there made my eyes widen, and the rest of the cohort saw them too which caused the girls to start getting restless. Whispering started moving about and I had to maintain my calm demeanor as I listened to their words.
What a bunch of vile kids.
As soon as the teacher dismissed us, all the girls raced out to greet the team hanging by outside. I don't even want to be amongst the crowd right now, and I was wondering how they were as I left by the front door. Not knowing how to talk to them since the crowd was pulsing around them, Hajime-san caught sight of me and beckoned me close.
Shaking my head at him as I didn't want to cross past them nor want to get through them, I mimed that I'd wait outside instead.
Nodding, we separated.
I took the long route down to the front gate and bought a drink while I was at it. Sipping the cool drink, I walked out and exchanged my shoes to leave the school grounds. Everyone around me was in high spirits; it was the last day of school and tomorrow was the start of the summer break. I could feel the heat now, and I longed to take out my layers of clothes.
It was starting to get stifling hot soon too.
I turned the corner, towards where Hajime-san and the rest would be waiting. We had another meeting spot outside school, in case this kind of thing happened as Hajime-san is too popular amongst the girls right now. Seeing the familiar brown poking above the mortar wall, I fastened my pace and turned the corner to find the third-years waiting.
"Hey, Izumi!"
I nodded in greeting as they crowded around me without another word, just in case the other students found them lounging around here. They always thought as one; doing things without saying a word and I had to wonder the level of trust they had in each other to do that easily.
"How were your test results?" Hajime-san asked. "Did you do good?"
"Yes, I improved a lot," I replied and showed him the result slip I had in my bag.
The other third years looked at it too and made sounds of wonder as they read the result slip. I didn't know why, but I felt a sense of pride and I couldn't stop smiling as they congratulated me for my arduous work.
"Speaking about examinations, we have our last stint in the summer tournament and we'll either make it or break it," Iwaizumi-san spoke suddenly. "If we win Nationals that is."
"Yeah, that's right," Victor-san added.
"Are all of you heading to university?" I asked.
All of them exchanged excited looks before looking at me with wide smiles. I had a feeling that they had each strived their hardest to get to where they are now. After all, they are just a bunch of volleyball hardcore. "We are heading to the well-known sports university in Tokyo," Makoto explained. "We received recommendations, and scholarships and we just need to pass the entrance examinations."
Tokyo?
I glanced at Hajime-san when they mentioned it.
He was already looking at me, with a small smile that bore many meanings. But, why did he have to look like that? I didn't understand at all.
"It's cool, isn't it?" Iwaizumi-san started with a beaming smile. "All of us are going together, and it'll be great."
The rest of the third year agreed wholeheartedly, a sense of excitement hanging in the air between them and we set off from there to get something to eat. As we walked down Main Street happily, Hajime-san walked next to me and I stared at him for a beat before looking away. I understood his expression and I couldn't stop the smile from curling against my lips.
What a cutie.
"Are you sad, Hajime-san?" I asked innocently. I didn't want to add more. We will be separated next year, as he is a year older and he'd be attending a university far away from here.
"I guess so."
"Don't worry, I'll come and visit," I said.
He laughed, almost sounding very happy suddenly. "It's too far for you, Izumi," he pointed out smartly and lightly. "And Tokyo is a very big city. I'm more worried you'll get lost halfway there."
He's underestimating me, I mused with a pout. "Okay, then I'll change my words," I said with a growing smile. "I'll get to a nearby university of yours."
Surprise was an understatement. He stopped walking and stared at me in confusion before he understood my statement. In dumbfounded shock, he let out a sound and immediately covered his face with his hands.
I pulled his hands off. "I'll work hard, I'll promise you that," I said sternly.
"O-okay," he replied shakily.
He was blushing madly and staring at me like he couldn't believe his ears. He stood there, unmoving and so I had to pull him along. I think my declaration shocked him so deeply that he couldn't get it in his mind. He was still unable to register it. But my declaration sounded like a marriage proposal, for crying out loud.
I'm such an embarrassment too.
It was brave of me to say that selfish statement. I didn't even know where I got the confidence from. Honestly, I was never the type to say the things that I wanted to say to someone I felt close to. I was never that type. There's no point in regretting the words I had uttered. But it is really embarrassing.
"Hey Izumi, are you really going to do that?" Hajime-san asked suddenly.
"Do what?"
"You know, the part where you said that you'll visit me when I go to Uni."
I felt my cheeks heat up with embarrassment. "I mean I can drop by Tokyo when I'm free," I answered, as I averted my eyes, trying to look at something in the far distance while my heart raced with nervousness. "Maybe during summer break, since I'll be busy with final examinations and whatnot."
"Are you sure? I don't want to make it seem like a burden to you," he said worriedly.
"Friends are never a burden," I stated. "And you definitely are not a burden."
He was taken aback by my answer and looked slightly pleased when I peeked at him. He had a cute dimpled smile, as he stared down at his intertwined hands and that's when I realized that was how he looked when he was worried. I think he had the tendency to squeeze his hands together when he was fretting.
It was cute.
…
"What are you planning to do during summer break, Izumi?"
We were all sitting inside a small shop they claim they usually frequent, that sells amazing ramen and udon. The chef and the staff were friendly, the service was good and the food was delicious. The prices were affordable for students. We were eating there happily; chatting here and there about random topics.
"I don't know," I admitted. "Mostly random things with Haru-san and I'd probably be working more in the shop."
"Who's Haru-san?" Iwaizumi-san asked in confusion.
"Oh, he's the University student that lives a few doors down from me," I said and changed the topic immediately. "I bet you guys have volleyball practice or training camps."
"We'll probably have a few outings too," Victor-san added.
"Yeah," Makoto-san answered. "Mostly during weekends, I bet. Our schedule is quite hectic at this time. The whole month is booked. We have volleyball practice, extra classes, and tuition sessions and some of us even have part-time jobs. It's going to be hard juggling all of them together."
"Is the entrance exam really that hard?" I asked.
They burst into laughter and Kenta-san ruffled my hair adoringly.
"It depends on the university you're going to," Iwaizumi-san explained. "The more prestigious the university is, the more difficult the entrance examination is."
Understanding spreads across my heart.
"You'd probably get the future aspirations form soon," Victor-san added thoughtfully. "Do you have any idea which university to go to?"
"Near to Hajime-san."
The man in question spurted out water from the drink he was drinking from and started hacking a lung out when he heard my answer, his face turned red with embarrassment. The rest of the boys burst into laughter at that and gave encouragement to me; giving me an extensive list of the universities around their own.
I listened carefully.
…