KiYoung

2006

My halmoni was the kind of person who enjoyed making a fuss. When I had been a small child, she and my halabeoji had lived in Seoul, but after he passed away suddenly my father worried about her health. After many months of arguments, he decided to take her out of the large city and into a smaller one that was closer to nature. Large mountains and hills rested within Daegu along with one of the largest medicinal markets in the country. It was lively enough to keep my grandma busy and calm enough that he felt she could enjoy her golden years in peace.

My dad had once joked that this was the only plan he ever executed against grandma to actually work, but she always insisted that I was her reason for sticking around. My grandmother woke up around five am every day and would take a mile walk around our neighborhood, inclement weather not impeding her in the slightest. She had made fast friends with the locals and the group of men and women she met with regularly similarly liked to lament over the state of the world and everyone's impending demise. Sometimes she would drag me along on her bigger expeditions; our hike up to Palgong mountain would have gone much more quickly if we'd taken the cable car but halmoni had insisted on seeing everything in detail.

Though I had complained at the time, the views truly were spectacular and the memories of it stayed with me even when I left home to study abroad. My parents were adamant that I get a good grasp of English and for almost a year I was sent to the Philippines to get a better understanding of the language. I had always done well in my studies and being anxious to return, I worked hard to get as fluent as I could. I was thirteen and short when I left home; when I returned to Korea I was fourteen, tall, and had a lasting tan.

I had always thought that though my parents took great pains for me to do well, they were generally cold towards me. And the day of my return, I realized this was a reality as only my grandma was at the airport to pick me up. She was quick to explain that they were both working, but I remembered that they had taken off of work in order to enjoy the numerous vacations that they took together. Seeing the worry resting between my halmoni's brows, I choked back the rush of hurt and angry feelings and began to tell her of my travels. We didn't speak of that day again, but from then on I had decided to stop living for my parents and their goals.

It was early morning when I felt the first stirrings of life in our apartment, the soft grunts of my grandmother's cursing bringing me into wakefulness like it had always done since I'd been old enough to remember. Her moans about the weather becoming colder were all too familiar and I felt at peace as I lay in my bed, content to just listen. Life in Daegu was unremarkable at best and at worst dead boring, not at all like how I imagined it was in Seoul. I had always dreamed about going to the big city to live and work, but during my time in the Philippines, my passions had shifted.

The new friends I'd made had been in the foreign country much longer than I had and were obsessed with the goings on of their native country. Korean music was on every iPod and Bluetooth device, and Korean dramas frequently were played in the dorms to watch after classes. I saw stars like Seo Taiji and SG Wannabe, BoA and Se7en. The entertainment industry had never entered my mind growing up, consumed as I was with getting the best grades and gaining my parent's attention. But now I wanted to dance and sing, I wanted to wear flashy outfits and model in the high end magazines. I wanted to be a star. And today was the first day of the rest of my life.

Mercury Entertainment was holding their annual auditions in our city and I was determined to be there despite the masses of kids I knew would show up. Although my singing voice wasn't as great as I wanted it to be, my rapping skills and dance moves were sure to set me apart from the rest. I had practiced for months, perfecting my routine to different types of music so that I would be prepared for anything they would play. I'd also been studying different styles of rap, in case they tried to have me do that as part of the audition as well. More than anything, I believed that today would be the start to my future.

Lured in by the smell of frying fish and cooking rice, I made my way into the kitchen and kissed my grandmother good morning, the slight wrinkling of her eyes as she smiled at me a welcome sight.

"Good morning halmoni, what are you cooking?" I asked curiously as she stirred a pot of kimchi chiggae, the stew looking delicious as it bubbled gently.

"KiYoung-ah come help me take out the rice. Set the table for me please?"

"Ne, but you do remember that the auditions are today right?" I reminded her eagerly, hoping she hadn't forgotten. She was my ride after all.

"Of course! How could I forget when you've been nagging me every day for the past two months?," halmoni exclaimed bad temperedly. I only laughed at her sour expression, feeling too blissful to take her words to heart.

"Ah, mianhe. I'm just so excited!" I bustled around behind her as she continued to cook, setting out two plates and bowls for the both of us. Even though our cupboards held sets of four for everything, my parents were hardly ever here to use the remaining dishes and I fell silent at the thought that they would miss yet another transition in my life.

"Well, eat first and then get ready. We don't want to be too late and then have to wait hours for our place in line." My halmoni ruffled my hair as we sat down to eat and I felt myself perk up again at her loving touch.

"Arrasseo, I'll hurry! Ah, what should I wear!?" I moaned as I began to agonize over the auditions yet again.

I had definitely become more interested in fashion since I'd spent some time studying abroad, but now my skills would be put to the test. Not only was I hoping my talents would set me apart, I wanted to be sure that my fashion would as well. And with my grandma by my side, I had more confidence than ever. She was my good luck charm and I knew that as long as I had her I could make it. Today I was Kim KiYoung but I hoped that one day to be called an idol.

Mercury had rented out one of the largest dance studios we had in the city to have their tryouts and just as I'd thought, the place was packed with all kinds of people. Every kid in the place was nervous as hell including me, and I squeezed my hands together over clammy palms. The room was large and filled with hard chairs but still everyone was sitting in them, legs too wobbly to make standing an option despite the hard surfaces digging into bones. I felt bad as my grandma shifted in her seat yet again; I had remembered her bad hip too late but I didn't have much of choice. She was here for me and if I had asked for her to wait for me in the car, I knew I'd hear her blunt refusal. Not to mention, I was feeling too comforted by having her with me.

"You can do this KiYoung-ah, you've practiced, you've danced your way through three pairs of sneakers," she laughed with an open joy I couldn't feel, my heart deep in the pit of my stomach. "I'm right here for you no matter what. But I know what the results will be."

I bit my lip to keep myself from saying something embarrassing, too aware of how many ears could be listening. But I squeezed her wrinkled hands in mine, the thin fingers soft and somewhat bony. Familiar contentment spread through me and I cherished it, but finally I let go.

"Group twenty-three!" A man with a clipboard called out and a sharp gasp left my lips. I was in this group and I stumbled my way to my feet, barely able to nod my head at my grandma's invocation of good luck. The room the organizer led us to was large and framed by mirrors on all sides. At the far end were judges seated at a table. Some of them looked bored while others stared at the group of us with bright eyes full of interest. Without so much as a word, music suddenly was turned on overhead.

The other kids in the room stood in one big mass, everyone too afraid to move though the song was a popular one. A judge called out over the beat and asked for those of us who could dance to do so, but no one moved. My breath was caught in my throat but this is what I wanted, what I had dreamed about. If I let the opportunity pass, then I had wasted my time. I gritted my teeth and passed through the row of bodies in front of me. I stopped in front of the talent agents and felt those disinterested gazes fall on me. Letting out the breath I was holding, I moved.