Ups and down (6)

Lucifer returned almost five hours after he left. There was a frown between his eyebrows as he sat next to him. Aaron was feeling calmer; his anxiety had almost drowned from him as he reached a part of the book where the story became more interesting. So even if he clenched his fist slightly Lucifer appeared, he still felt glad that he was there. Aaron had the time to disguise his uneasiness better because of Lucifer's distraction.

"What's wrong? Did you meet Michael?"

Lucifer looked at him but didn't say anything. "I think I must apologize, Aaron," he started. "My brother has violated your privacy by 'visiting' your timeline."

He didn't like the sarcasm he put in the word. "What do you mean with that?"

"Angels have the ability to travel through time and my brother used this power to see into your past."

"Wait─ What?! You're angels! Are you even allowed to go into another's life and see─" Lucifer stroked his hair; there was a silent apology in the gesture.

"We are," he said. "What we're not allowed is to interfere with it."

Aaron huffed and looked away, frowning at Lucifer's feet. He was afraid to ask, but he needed to do it. "What did he see?"

Lucifer waved his left hand and made his shoes disappear. "You're not going to be happy."

"Well, I'm not happy now."

"Yes, I know." Lucifer brushed his cheek, his hand slid from there to his scalp, turning Aaron's head towards him with the action. It wasn't forced; Aaron knew that if he wanted, he could move away. "Can I take advantage of you, now that you're just angry at my brother?"

Aaron raised an eyebrow. He was going to ask what he meant but then he noticed Lucifer leaning into his space. His eyes boring intently into his. The usual pale blue that always looked cold now seemed to melt somehow. A little brighter. Or it was because their closeness? He wasn't sure, his mind couldn't process clearly what was happening, at least not until he felt Lucifer's nose brushing against his cheek. Aaron's eyes half closed, but he could still see Lucifer's eyes on him, asking for permission. And that was what scared him more. That whatever it seemed to be going between them seemed to be his choice.

Aaron licked his lips nervously; saw Lucifer following the movement with his eyes. "What did you see?"

Lucifer's gaze darted to his eyes again, backing off a little. The angel looked thoughtful before glancing down at his hand, Aaron following his line of sight. He saw his fingers trailing one vein until it reached the edge of his long sleeve and moved slowly under it. He didn't voice his answer but he did look at him pointedly.

Aaron felt his breath leaving him as his heart pounded faster. Aaron shook his head and tore his wrist away. Aaron clenched his eyes tight when his eyes turned glazy. He ran both hands through his hair. He didn't want to look at Lucifer; too embarrassed and humiliated. He wanted to go. "I'm sorry," Lucifer said and Aaron felt he could breathe a little better at hearing the honesty. Aaron still didn't leave. "I know l should have grabbed Michael and leave instantly."

Slowly looking up from the white sheets, Aaron turned his head and swallowed at the serious look Lucifer wore. "Would you forgive me?"

"Aren't you going to leave?" Aaron wanted to ask. "Why are you still here?"

Lucifer's right hand moved slowly towards his hair, curling around the back of his head when Aaron didn't move away, giving enough room for him to feel comfortable. "Will you?"

Aaron's lips quirked up at the hint of concern he saw in front of him. The constant yell in the back of his head that kept screaming 'run' whenever he was with Lucifer never left, but Aaron was good at ignoring things and now he could hardly hear it. Lucifer frowned, confused at seeing his smile.

Aaron cleared his throat, leaning cautiously into his touch, still afraid that Lucifer would say something that would hurt. "You're apologizing too much lately," he mentioned.

"Am I?" The worry inside Lucifer's eyes was barely discernibly from the fondness and amusement. He moved until their noses brushed, but Aaron saw that Lucifer didn't want to pursue anything by it. For some reason that was worse. He could felt a hot blush spreading through his cheeks. "Am I making you uncomfortable, Aaron?"

It was the grin, Aaron realized, what made him lean into him to erase the few inches that separated them, even if he knew that he'd probably regret later. But he was already used to that feeling and others worse that. Besides, he was curious.

The first time they had kissed was chaste, Aaron remembered that it was short and cold, a little salty, too. Though that may be because of Aaron's tears ─ that time he was having a mental breakdown.

Lucifer's lips were still a little cold, but the inside of his mouth was warm and the only thing that felt human. There was something else that he had never felt before: cool, smooth and light. It tasted like energy and oxygen, something powerful. It chilled him, but at the same time felt as if it were burning him slightly. When Aaron opened his mouth to Lucifer's tongue, it only increased, making him lightheaded. However, he felt also something metallic that startled him, something like blood and ash. It made him move away in surprise and a little bit of fear.

Lucifer tilted his head in curiosity as he licked his lips; it was one of the most innocent gestures he had seen in Lucifer in all the time they had been friends. Though it might because they had been friends for a short period of time. Not more than four months. What was he doing? Lucifer was still─

"What are we doing?"

Aaron breathed, trying to look away from Lucifer's lips.

"Well, we were kissing," he said with a smile, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"But why?"

"Didn't you want to do it?" At Aaron's glare, Lucifer rolled his eyes and rested his head on the headboard, stroking Aaron's hair he spoke. "I don't know you, but I realized that it would be really boring without you."

Aaron could have asked what did he mean, or what it would be boring. He smiled faintly instead."You know that's not a good reason to want to kiss─"

"And because I wanted to, Aaron. I really wanted to do it." Lucifer looked directly at him, eyes calm.

"I'm a mess, you know." Aaron pressed a palm against his forehead. "I'm human. Flawed, you say it yourself."

"Yes, I said that. Though the nurse interrupted me and I didn't finish what I wanted to say."

"What. So now humans are perfect?"

"No. Of course not. But I'm─ what's the word?" Lucifer hummed. "Awesome. I think that's the word humans use now. "

Aaron couldn't help it, he laughed. "Glad to know that your ego is still there."

"Thank you. So you see," Lucifer started, smiling him back and moving closer. "I'm awesome, because I'm better than my brothers."

"Uh-huh."

"I'm flawed in their books, though. So while I was in the Jail─"

"Jail?" Aaron interrupted him.

"Yes, that's where Michael put me." He wanted to ask more but Lucifer kept talking. "In my stay there I had time to think and I realized that even though you're flawed, that's what's makes you likeable."

Aaron frowned and chose to talk slow and pointedly. "But you don't like humans."

"I never said that I liked them. Most humans should be dead, but as you said before, there are some that aren't that bad."

Aaron gritted his teeth. "So you're saying that I'm one of those?"

Lucifer arched an eyebrow. "You really think that I'd kiss a human that I don't like."

"You kissed me when we made a deal and you didn't know me yet." Aaron started to feel really uncomfortable at Lucifer's words, self-conscious. His skin started to itch and it felt too tight for his body, tensing when Lucifer's hand brushed his jaw, waiting there until he had relaxed.

"You were the first human I made a deal with since I came out from the Jail, a few decades ago."

Rolling his eyes, Aaron said, "Are you going to tell me that I'm especial, or something now?"

"No. You're a normal human, Aaron. I was bored the day you summoned a demon and because of that I decided to see what was happening when I heard my name in a deal," he said, moving his thumb towards Aaron's lower lip. "You were a wreck. I accepted to be your friend because I was bored and I liked your soul, it was interesting." Lucifer leaned close. "I kissed you now because I want something else from you and you're important to me, too."

Aaron shut his eyes tightly and exhaled, both of his fists clenched. "And you want me to be your Persephone or something akin?"

"I haven't read that yet. Is about some pagan god, right?" Lucifer scrunched his nose. "I do hate pagan gods."

Aaron's eyes flew open in surprise. "They exist?"

"Of course. Cockroaches, all of them." He grinned, as if he were putting 'obliterating pagan gods' in his to do list. He then breathed. "But going back to the topic, I think I want something else from you. Something besides your friendship." Aaron was ready to protest, to give excuses, but Lucifer slowly leaning until they were inches apart, stopped him. His nose only brushing slightly on his cheek. "I want to make you blush and kiss you whenever I want."

For some reason, relief flown through him. "So you only desire me?"

"Not quite. I like the way your soul lights when you smile and laugh, though; how it acts when I'm close." Lucifer moved his hand away and leaned on an elbow. "I'm a jealous, possessive being, Aaron. I don't want it to act the same way I like with other beings. I don't want to share those smiles and blushes."

Aaron knew that if Lucifer continued like this, he was going to start hyperventilating. He felt a hand stroking his hair and one look at Lucifer confirmed him that the angel was simply being honest. He did want to give it a try─ he liked Aaron. But he didn't know what he felt and Lucifer's words only added more weight to his shoulders, he didn't know what to answer. Even Lucifer admitted he was a wreck. It was true Aaron didn't like when someone desired him, but he still fell for anybody that treated him as human being, he starved for that connection. And he couldn't help but think in Magdolna's words.

"If you're doing this just because─"

Lucifer tilted his head. "I don't do pity, Aaron. I realize of what you are, and aren't."

"But it isn't about that! It's about what I have!" Aaron ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. "I mean, having depression is not being sad all the time as most people think. It's not losing a job and crying because of it. Or to cry for every little thing."

"What it is then, Aaron?" he asked softly, eyes fond.

"Is not a flesh wound you can heal, you know." Aaron frowned at the grin that appeared in Lucifer's face. "Are you going to try to fix me?"

"It goes to your soul. If I try to heal you, I run the risk of changing who you are. I don't want that."

Aaron glanced down; his words made him want to cry. "But do you understand what you're asking to signing for?"

"Why don't you try to make me understand, then?" Lucifer's tone was as if he already knew the answer, but for some reason, wanted Aaron to voice it.

"Well," he started, clenching his fingers on the mattress. "Depressed people get worried about stupid things; they kept worrying, and worrying that not even after being told otherwise, they stop feeling anxious." He smiled bitterly. "Is like feeling guilty at any tiny mistake. Worthless, you could say. As if you couldn't do anything right. Is feeling so tired and heavy until it's hard to stand up from bed. Sometimes is even feeling like you'll never get better, not being able to see something good at the end." Aaron huffed when he felt long fingers brushing his nape. "It's clinging at every tiny gesture of affection, because depressed people don't think they deserve it. Doesn't mean that they don't want it, though."

Aaron looked away, away from the eyes and the touch. "This is not my first time here, Lucifer. I stayed a few weeks before after Karen found out that I was cutting myself." Aaron looked at Lucifer sideways. "It's not as if I wanted to die that time. I just wanted a reminder that I was alive because sometimes I felt so numb… I couldn't even feel the pain when I pinched my arm; I was scared."

"Aaron," Lucifer started, but Aaron cut him off harshly, unable to hear his voice soft.

"Depressed people know they become attached too quickly, most have chosen that distancing from others is better because it hurts to keep wondering when that person is going to leave, when they are going to become tired of them. That's why they aren't surprised when others indeed leave, because they─" Aaron took a shaky breath and ignored the itch behind his eyes. "Because we now that we're broken. If I could, I'd leave myself. So even if I try to convince my doctor that I'm fine. I know that I'm not. So I don't why you want something like that from me, but I don't want to lose you, though. If you want we could try this out, but I'll think most of the time that you're doing it because of pity."

"I repeat again, Aaron: I don't do pity," Lucifer said, stroking the back of his neck. "I can see your soul; I already know how you are and I like it, so you don't need to act for me, Aaron."

Aaron wanted to scream 'why?!', but chose to let himself lean into the cold touch, sighing. "Just let me know when you grew tired of me. It hurts less if I already know than keep wondering."

"Okay." Lucifer tucked a lock of hair behind his ear, acting as if Aaron hadn't just tried to push him away a moment ago.

He bit his lower lip. This was one of the strangest things it had happened to him. "So what? We're together now?"

"I'm afraid that no, we aren't," Lucifer said nonchalantly. Aaron's stomach flipped over in panic, a lump formed in his throat. He opened his mouth to ask 'then what was all this about' but Lucifer held a hand to stop him. "I don't want you to be with me just because I want you to, Aaron."

Aaron's jaw went slack, but Lucifer grabbed his chin and closed it. He swallowed. "Not that you take all of what you want whenever you want?"

"Yes, but what's the fun if you don't want to." Lucifer grinned. "I want your consent to be willing, Aaron."

"You're an asshole, you know that." Aaron frowned in annoyance, he wanted to keep calling him names and curse him, but he heard the sound that indicated that dinner was almost over.

Lucifer looked at Aaron's stomach and then at the book on his bed. "You haven't eaten, right?" Aaron tried not to, but he was pretty sure he pouted. "Oh, petty humans and their necessities."

"Hey, you're the one who wants to be with one of them, so shut up." He stood up and started to search for his shoes.

"And just so you know you're the only one I let to call me an asshole."

Aaron left him inside his room; he turned the corner and saw on a clock hung on one of the walls that it was already late. He started to run, hoping that there was something left. He had to eat otherwise his doctor would have a few words with him, and maybe Lucifer too, but something told him that he'd probably just appear some random food from thin air.

Aaron stood in front of the counter and saw everything almost empty, even the man that served the food wasn't there.

"I was waiting for you, Aaron. I almost go to your room." Aaron looked over his shoulder and found Magdolna behind him holding a tray of food.

"Is that for me?"

"Yeah, but don't tell the other nurses that I saved you food or I'll get fired." She winked and Aaron couldn't help but smile.

"Thanks, Magdolna." He grabbed the tray of food from her hands at the same time he saw one of the head nurses near.

"Is nurse Masters, boy." She stood next to him and looked at his friend. "What are you doing here?"

The old lady tried to not look angry in front of him, but Aaron saw that even Magdolna had noticed too. She looked really annoyed at being reprimanded and Aaron felt guilty.

"I'll be waiting for you in the conference room." She gave a last glare at her and left, but Magdolna stayed a couple of seconds next to him, looking… sheepish? Considering?

"I suppose I should call you Nurse Masters in front of others to avoid problem, right?"

"It would be better." Her lips quirked up in that way it always looked as if she wasn't entirely smiling.

"Then see you later, nurse Masters?"

Winking, she added, "We're alone now, Aaron. You can even call me Mag, if you want to."

"Okay, Mag." She smirked and gave him a small wave before she left Aaron standing with a tray of food and his newfound appetite. He felt a little pleased, happy even, as he started to eat and hoped that this emotion would last and it won't be gone like drugs after the high is over.

Aaron returned to his room later and saw Lucifer checking the book he left on the desk. It felt safe to move walk closer. He didn't know when Lucifer would leave, but something told him that he would return.

"You haven't told me yet why you left that day," Aaron commented and settled himself next to him."And don't tell me 'working', because─"

"It was demons. And then my brother." Lucifer huffed in disgust, placing the book aside and moving an arm casually behind Aaron's back. "I suppose that you want me to tell you everything in detail, right? I warn you that that may be long if you want to know also why Michael and I aren't tearing our heads apart and starting the Apocalypse."

"And don't sugarcoat it too much."

"You know I will, Aaron."

Aaron smiled and lied down; Lucifer's voice lulled him as he started stroking his nape. It was calming and nice that Lucifer treated him like always. He didn't have to smile more, or laugh. Just relax and hear.