Chapter nine

I'm reading a book sitting on the chest, it's seven in the evening, this afternoon, after class I found myself in the library with Monty to review a bit of biology: apparently she has some problems in all subjects.

I haven't started reading that old book I picked up the last time I went to the library yet - it's still in my shoulder bag. I don't know why I haven't even pulled it out, I just know that those few words I read moved something in me, I felt on my own skin the pain of whoever wrote those lines that seemed to be made especially for me.

To the survivors.

This was written ... And me? Am I a survivor? Will I ever get over what happened and move on?

I wish I could answer these questions by saying

"Yes, yes Belle ... You're doing it, you're coming back to life",

but maybe I'm deceiving myself and just dying slowly, because, if I think about it, I still feel that pain as strong as the first time.

I close the book, unable to get lost in the pages because of the thoughts that crowd my head like a flock of annoying and nagging seagulls ready to crash into the sea to catch fish. I really should stop filling my head with these thoughts or sooner or later I will be suffocated.

It's half past seven, I'm supposed to have dinner now, Cora and Cass were stopping out for dinner, they asked me to go with them, but I found myself refusing with the excuse of having some back homework.

I am aware that they understood that it was not true, but I appreciate that they did not ask questions.

I leave the room to go to the vending machine to get an energizer bar.

I learned to munch on some of those bars when I'm hungry, I know I should eat real food, but eating a piece of that bar makes me stand up, without my mind registering that I had dinner.

It's hard to explain, but on the other hand, sometimes I struggle to understand myself.

I insert the coin and wait for the vending machine to release the cereal bar when my phone vibrates while the box indicating a new message appears on the display. I click on it and as I read the sender I regret it.

Kyle:

You can't run away forever, we've set up a meeting with Dr. Jones for next weekend. I'll take you there.

Just remember that what we are doing is for you.

I love you <3

My phone almost falls out of my hands as soon as I read that message. They can't do this to me. I'm not ready and I won't let them lock me in a madhouse.

"Cereal bar, mh ... I hope at least it's tasty as a dinner"

Jolt caught by surprise and look up, Cole is leaning with his side against the vending machine and his arms folded, looking at me with a raised eyebrow and a grin on his face that highlights that dimple on his left cheek.

I freeze for a moment as I am reminded of what Monty told me about his past, it's terrible to even imagine the pain he must have felt. I wake up from my thoughts as soon as I see the smile fade from his lips as he looks at my expression still shocked by the message a little while ago.

"Hey, are you okay?"

He asks, frowning in concern, as he straightens up, letting his arms fall to his sides.

"Y-yes, yes all right ... I was just ... I was just thinking ... What are you doing in the female dorm?"

I take my time because no plausible excuse comes to mind that justifies my expression a little earlier.

"I was looking for someone ... Why aren't you in the canteen with your friends?"

She asks persistently, she was probably looking for Becca. I ignore the motion of annoyance I feel when I think back to her and her hateful smile.

"I could ask you the same question"

I retort, he lifts the corner of his mouth in a faint smile that shows off his perfect white teeth.

I bend down to take the bar in the dispenser and when I get up without warning he snatches it from my hand holding it high above my head

"Cole, give it back!"

I get on my toes hopping to try and get it back.

"Whole Grain Bar, mh ... How many calories will it ever have?"

I freeze the instant his eyes lock mine, his expression is serious, I feel his warm breath brush my face and I automatically step back, realizing that I have placed my hands on his chest in an attempt to retrieve mine. dinner.

He looks at me sternly and I look down for a moment. I have grasped the meaning behind her seemingly harmless question, I take courage, look up, even if I carefully avoid her eyes and answer.

"I ate a little while ago and I just wanted a snack"

It is incredibly difficult to lie to him, it is not like with others, it is as if his eyes penetrated my soul, finding the truth in the depths of myself.

He lowers his arm and I quickly grab the bar, even though I already know I will not eat, my stomach was already closed when I read that message.

"Why do you always pop out suddenly?"

I ask quickly to change the subject as I make my way to my room, followed by him.

"I do not suddenly appear, it is you who, always immersed in your thoughts, do not notice what is happening around you"

He responds with a shrug and unfortunately I find myself mentally agreeing with him.

"You're not freshman, are you?"

I ask for no specific reason.

I've seen him several times in the hallway and during lunch breaks, but I don't really know what year he is studying.

"Third"

He answers only as I turn the keys in the lock of the door.

"Well, it was a pleasure, but now I have to ..."

Words die in my throat as soon as I turn around. His face is only a few inches away from mine, I look into his eyes, but they look different: his pupils are dilated, now his caramel-colored irises are just a thin circle and his breathing is labored as he slowly gets closer and closer.

I'm stuck between the door and her body above me and makes me feel extremely small in comparison. His nose touches mine and I instinctively close my eyes holding my breath, I feel my heart beating madly, as if it wanted to come out of my chest, but I don't know if it is more for fear that he kisses me or for fear that I won't face.

A door slamming not far from us breaks the spell and Cole straightens his back and jerks away from me, as if he had just been burned. He looks at me with a strange expression on his face, I don't know how to define it, he seems surprised and maybe even a little annoyed, he swears in a low voice, but he's not angry with me, it's like he's cursing himself. And I don't know whether to feel relieved or disappointed by the sudden change in his attitude.

"I ... I'm sorry"

He mumbles as he marches off along the corridor. He doesn't turn around.

I enter the still confused room and close the door behind me. I have no idea what just happened, I don't even know if I would ever be able to explain it in words, it had never happened before, no one had ever had that effect on me, if I think about it I still feel the tachycardia of the moment and yet it did not happen nothing. He didn't say anything. Maybe I imagined it all. Yet one thing is certain, I could swear I saw the desire in her eyes. No one had ever looked at me like that, it was a ravenous look, but as intense as it was, I wasn't scared, it was as if I craved that look, I wanted it to look at me like that, to never stop. And this awareness overwhelms me like a tidal wave that leaves even more confusion inside me than before.

I look at the cell phone display, Cora should be back soon, I just have time to tidy up the room.

Once one of the many psychologists I was treating told me that often the order present in one's room represents that of one's thoughts and therefore tidying up the room can also help to bring order to the head.

Following this logic, I put the headphones in my ears and play a playlist while I pick up Cora's books from the floor and stack them neatly on the desk, open the windows to change the air a little and make the beds.

Cora opens the door wide, making it bang against the wall, I jump in fright taking off my headphones

"Are you crazy ?! I've lost at least ten years of life!"

I exclaim in an attempt to scold her, even though I'm already laughing. But in a moment the smile disappears from my lips when I see the mascara poured on her cheeks, now streaked with black

"Oh my God, what happened?"

In a second I'm with her to hold her in my arms, I know it's not like me ... But she needs it and my body has moved before my brain

"M-mike ... H-ha, he has ..."

She sobs running her hands over her face, smudging her makeup even more.

I make her sit on the bed while I close the door behind me

"Calm down now. Breathe and tell me what happened"

I tell her softly crouching in front of her. Do as I told you and try again

"M-mike ... She has another one, she left me on the phone a little while ago ... On the phone, you know? We had been together for a year and she didn't even have the guts to tell me to my face!"

She screams furiously as she gets out of bed and paces back and forth around the room.

I don't tell her anything, I let her vent, she needs time to metabolize it.

In fact, after ten minutes he sits on my bed and crouches against me. I hug her reminding her how special she is and that she shouldn't get lost for someone like him, all words that I really think, Cora is special.

It is a tornado of joy, sweetness and even a pinch of madness, I feel really lucky to have met her and she deserves the best, she deserves someone who can appreciate every little and extravagant detail. Pros and cons.

"Thanks Belle ... You and Cass are the best friends I could have ... I would be lost without you ..."

She says after calming down, and those words warm my heart because I know for a fact that they are the same as I think about them.