Feelings and Fluff

I had just finished "training" and checked on mom, things hadn't been the same since Fuyumi was born. And it just got worse after Natsuo, Mom had barely even spared me a glance now. I think that started happening after Fuyumi turned five, but I always felt that hateful look in her eyes since I was old enough to remember. I knew she wasn't directing it towards me on purpose, she couldn't help the fact that anytime she saw me she only saw Him.

I doubt she really ever saw me as Me, even when my hair color changed, the only ones she really loved were Fuyumi and Natsuo. Though Nat often got angry and startled her, after that she couldn't look at him for the rest of the day. Only really sparing a glance which was more than I ever got. Shoto though... Mom always had conflicting thoughts when looking at him, she adored his white hair yet despised his red. But even then, they all had her attention. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. But I got nothing, not a glance, not a single word other than "Monster"...

I kept telling myself it was because of my hair, because I looked like him. But when my hair color fully changed and mom didn't...I started telling myself it was because I WAS a monster, because I WAS him. At some point I forgot who I actually was, I guess even before the "Accident" I became Dabi...Peeking into the room noticing the three of my siblings cuddled with mom, I yearned for that feeling, that love. It was something I never experienced from a parent, I'm surprised I still feel that sort of love. Though broken, I learned the feeling from Fuyumi, Natsuo, and especially Shoto.

I love my siblings, but... I also despise them, I yearn to be them, yet I know I never will. And that thought- that thought somehow still feels better, than the thought of trading spots and watching one of them go through what I did. So I endured it, quietly closed the door and forced myself to be the man he could never be. To be the mother my mom couldn't, I cooked, cleaned, and took care of my siblings and mother. While training and crying myself to sleep, some nights giving up releasing my emotions and stress so that I can comfort the others.

I don't blame my mom, truthfully. I blame the old man and myself more; I blame myself for putting up with him for so long; I blame myself for not trying to save them. I blame myself for everything that I had no physical part in, Natsuo's drinking, Shoto's scar. And especially for Fuyumi having to cook and clean in my place... For giving up her childhood and being forced to grow up like I had.

Slowly opening my eyes and staring up at the ceiling for who knows how long, the wind replaced the quiet sobbing and tears that would have filled the room if my tear ducts weren't burnt and the emptiness wasn't so consuming. Sitting up and wincing at the painful sting in my arms, I studied my bandaged arms as a sigh left me. 'reminds me of the past whenever Fuyumi wrapped me head to toe in bandages because of the overuse.' Sitting on the edge of the bed as I looked around the room I was in. 'Ah, Chopper's medical room.' The door clicked open revealing said doctor.

"Ah!" He voiced after noticing I was awake, he quickly ran over to his chair and pulled it closer to me before climbing and sitting on top. "I told you not to overuse your fire! Idiot!" He pestered as he studied my arms, he gave me some pain meds before chewing my ear out a bit more and sending me on my way. But not before reminding me to not use my flames and to rest. The rest of the day Luffy wouldn't leave me alone, I guess I made him worry a bit. He was basically attached to me, figuratively and literally. Even when we went to bed, truthfully, and I would never admit this out loud.

I didn't mind much, it...Felt nice, like I was still ten and Shoto was cuddled against me for comfort. At some point, my hand started subconsciously brushing through his hair, it was something I had always done for Shoto to help comfort him. I guess it also helped calm me as well, it helped me know he was still next to me, that he wasn't taken back and forced into that torturous training and still safe and sound in my arms.

"Ace…"

Luffy mumbled as a part of my heart cracked, it wasn't because of his brother. Rather the thought of Shoto mumbling my name in his sleep, like he was wishing me back. Wanting me to comfort him, to be there with him. And it hurt, because I would never know, I'd never be able to make up for leaving him. Turning onto my side, I pulled him to my chest, resting my head on his as I drifted off to sleep.

Waking up, the low rays of sun peaked in through the window. I moved my head a bit as Luffy moved around, 'Looks like he's awake.' Opening my eyes and glancing down, I noticed he was studying my arm, his brows were furrowed. The corners of my mouth raise a bit as I lifted my hand up to pat his head, he slightly jumped as a light shade of pink dusted his cheeks. His face holding a stupid smile. One that looked similar to what Shoto always gave when I did the same thing, a sad smile formed on my lips as I ruffled his hair. "C'mon you monkey, Sanji's probably already made breakfast." A happier smile formed on my lips while sliding out of the hammock. My hands slid into my pockets, Luffy quickly running past me.

"Food!" he cheered as I chuckled. Drowning it out with a cough as I hid my smile behind my hand.

'I'm glad Shigaraki isn't here, or really anyone else. Because I can already see them poking fun at me for being so soft.' Chuckling while following behind Luffy.

After some good pancakes and many other things, I spent my time watching the others work, helping with whatever, and mostly listening to Chopper about resting. Though only because there really isn't anything to do, about an hour had passed and I looked up at the sky in question. 'Come to think of it, the wind hasn't been blowing for a while…' looking over the railing, noticing the water was completely calm. "Uh, hey guys! I don't think we're moving!" Shouting, everyone quickly came on deck to check out the situation

"Looks like we entered a Calm Belt." Nami informed, when I noticed a giant sea dragon thing jump out of the water. My eyes widened.

"Uh, we might want to get out of here." Nami nodded.

"Franky! Ready Coup de boost!" My brows furrowed.

"Coup de what?" A sudden noise could be heard from behind the ship.

Glancing back, noticing a burst of fire coming out from the back, my eyes widened once again. Hurriedly grabbing onto something before the ship took off into the air. My face turned green in an instant as my hand covered my mouth. "This is *Blurg* worse than *Heug* hawks' flying!!" Laying flat on the deck even after the ship landed, my stomach was still churning from the previous event. My head leaned over the ship as I vomited into the water below. "Please...Never do that...Again…" managing as I shakily stood up, trying to stabilize myself back onto my feet.

"You get motion sickness?" Nami helped me as I nodded in reply, my hand laying over my mouth.

"That was terrible, forget Spinners driving or Hawks' flying. I'd take either of those over that Coup de boost whatever." Sighing and sitting down. "Thank god I don't have seasickness, that plus whatever just happened. I think my soul would have left my body."

After that exciting experience, things became calm again. It was still bothersome that I couldn't do much, but less than when I first landed in this universe. Normally I'd burn some people or send some sort of anonymous hate letter to the old man, though checking up on my siblings was always nice. It was harder to see Shoto when he started going to UA, but it helped that I could get close to him when working, even if I'm just another villain to him. I decided to take a nap in my hammock after lunch since my stomach still hated me, that plus Chopper suggested I rest because my body was still worn out.

Falling into my memories as I stared up at the ceiling, feeling reminiscent and calm, it was actually kind of nice. 'I guess I don't stop to think about the past much since I'm either working or being pestered by crazy and the others, or thinking about ways to get revenge on the old man…." Sighing, 'It's strange. I miss my universe, but at the same time, I don't want to leave. I don't know when in the past few weeks I've been here, that I started to feel at home. I mean, even with the league.'

'It took me at least a month before I felt some sort of strange connection with them, and even then. It takes me a while to feel comfortable anywhere I go, I guess everyone is just strangely accepting here. And that makes everything feel more...Safe? If that's even what it is, I haven't felt safe in a long time. Don't think I really ever have until now, the only moments I had some sort of quickly fleeting feeling of safety was whenever Shoto came into my room to cuddle and be comforted.'

My lip trembled slightly, quickly turning onto my side and blocking out my thoughts, 'No, No. Shhh, It's fine, I'm fine.' Curling into myself as my hands gripped onto fists full of my hair. 'Rose petals fall~ as the day draws near~ sleepless on nights~ and high on fears~ daydreams whisper~ songs of joy~ curtains call~ the phantom cites~ words of peace and fear-filled nights~ hush your cries~ and drift along~ peaceful sleep awaits your song~' Humming in my head.

It was the song I had heard mom humming once, it always helped calm the others and myself. After the incident and when I was left sleeping in a back alley shivering yet burning at the same time, I'd always recite the lyrics in my head like a broken record. It never failed to help me sleep, but the pain always retaliated and woke me up minutes later.

Humming the song on repeat as my body relaxed, a wave of tiredness washed over me as I faded to sleep. The tune still a constant repeat in my head.