Hurt

My eyes slowly fluttered open as I stared up at the ceiling, a deep sigh exiting my lungs while my body rolled out of the hammock. Taking a shower and changing into some different clothes, I pulled the hood over my head and walked into the kitchen where Sanji was making breakfast, sitting down and setting my arms on the table. I huffed and laid my head on top, the melody was still repeating in my mind taking up space from most unwanted thoughts.

"Hey scarface, how long are you going to sit there being all gloomy, you're making the food taste bad." He said as I lifted my head to look at him, glancing at the plates of food then him before chuckling.

"Personally, I think chronic depression is pretty tasteful." Responding, he rested his hands on his hips.

"Yeah, well everyone else disagrees. Except maybe Luffy, he'll eat pretty much everything." We shared a laugh as my head leaned into my hand. "So what's got you so down?" He sat down across from me, sighing.

'Everything, past memories I just can't let go and a vengefulness that rivals my dad's stubbornness.'—"Just thoughts, y'know. Missing home but also kinda enjoying traveling with you guys, mostly stupid stuff." Subconsciously messing with my hair and scratching at my scalp as he gave me an uncertain expression.

He sighed, "I won't push you to talk, I know you're telling the truth but you're definitely not telling me everything. Besides, I don't know what your life has been like. And I for one wouldn't fully trust to tell someone who I've only known for a few weeks, everything that I've been through." He said as I nodded, "Well anyway, better get what you want before I go tell the others and Luffy eats it all." I nodded once again, though I made no move to grab anything.

After an eventful breakfast, I mostly wandered the ship. Helping out where I was needed, playing some games, building some stuff with Franky and Usopp. Anything to keep busy, Chopper insisted on a daily checkup. To which I was annoyed about, but it was better than getting my ear chewed out by him. Sighing as I leaned onto the railing and looked out at the night sky, 'It's already been three weeks since I fell through that portal. I wonder how everyone is doing back home, Shigaraki is probably pulling his hair out looking for me.' Chuckling at the thought, 'Probably thinks I went awol or something, he is a paranoid idiot after all.'

Grabbing the packet of cigarettes from my back pocket, picking one and sliding the pack back into my pocket. Setting it on my lips, I lit the tip of my finger with a small flame. Staring at it for a bit before eventually lighting the end of the cigarette, letting the blue flame dance on my fingertip. Sometimes If I look close enough, I can see a flash of memories in them. Maybe mine, or maybe theirs. Closing my hand into a fist, I sighed and crossed my arms on top of the railing, 'I didn't think I could miss home this much, sure I was never "home" home. With Shoto, Natsuo, and Fuyumi, though I'm not sure if with them I really ever had a home…'

'I know they loved me, probably still do. But I doubt that even if I went back, that they would accept me for who I became. I'd probably be rotting in a prison cell or something, maybe get lucky and sentenced to death instead.' A sad chuckle was whisked away into the air as my index and thumb grabbed the cigarette from my mouth, exhaling the toxic smoke. I crushed the cigarette in my hand and dropped it into the water. 'This is all just wishful thinking, I doubt they'd still feel the same if they saw who I became. Hell, I basically fought Shoto and his friends. Not to mention, I kidnapped blondy, and his face after I made that endearing comment. I had to stop myself from pulling him into a hug and saying sorry, fighting against him was the hardest thing to do. Which was why I normally stayed away from doing anything to physically harm him.'

Burying my face in my hands as my eye started bleeding, chuckling 'I guess overthinking and bleeding make up for the loss of my tear ducts, though I doubt most people would find crying blood a sign of relief.' Sighing as my hands returned to my side, looking back out at the moonlit ocean. It was fairly calm, though who's to say it can't just suddenly start raining fish or something. I was about to head to sleep when something touched my cheek, glancing beside me, my head slightly turning to follow, facing Robin.

"I guess bleeding must be normal for you." Chuckling.

"Yeah, I'd be worried if it wasn't. Considering my appearance, no blood would mean I'm dead. Though I already feel like a corpse, I haven't become one yet, and neither do I plan on becoming one for a while."

She nodded before removing the damp towel, "Don't overthink things too much, because sometimes the big things might actually be smaller than you think. Don't assume something will happen just because it seems like it, or because it seems like the logical conclusion. If one thing I've learned, things don't always happen the way you think they will. Those you care about will also still care about you, no matter your look or actions. That's the thing about family." She smiled warmly as she moved to the side and looked back at Luffy and the others. "They will care about you no matter what, some might take a bit longer to adjust and accept. But they will always be there when you need, you just have to let them." She smiled, patting my shoulder before walking away.

Looking back at Luffy and the others, the image being replaced with my siblings and...Mom. My lip quivered as I stood back and watched my siblings play in the grass, I was back at the house, I was young and I had finished dad's gruesome training. And Mom had rejected me for the fifth time that day, I couldn't peel my eyes away from the loving gaze Mom had. But it wasn't for me, it never was, never will be. I could only watch from a distance as they shared a peaceful air, I was almost content. Until she looked at me, her gaze was no longer loving. Instead, it was a frightened panic. The new maid had to rush her back to her room, and I was left with my siblings who shared looks before staring at me. I knew they weren't doing anything, but all I could see was Mom's panic in their eyes.

I could barely sleep that day, or even the days after. Her eyes haunted me, sometimes they still do. I think after a while they knew, they knew how much it haunted me. How many nights I went sleepless because of it, and how often I'd see it in their eyes too. Blinking a few times, I returned to the ship, a shaky breath escaping my lips, taking a few deep breaths to calm down. Walking past Luffy and patting him on the head, "Don't stay up too late," I muttered. Making my way to the bedroom, though it wasn't much of a bedroom. More like a sleeping quarters, climbing into the hammock with a sigh, I stared blankly at the wall. After a while I eventually drifted off, but not before feeling Luffy climb into the hammock.