Death.

I get home and see the kids.

They look worried and I try to put a strong face for them.

"Mama mama where's papa?"(all the kids)

Me:"O hambile"(He's gone)

They all start crying,Nomalanga stands up and leaves the room.

I call his parents.

'Phone rings'

Langa's Father:"Makoti"(Daughter in law)

Me:"Tata,can you and mama please come here today"

Him:"Why?Why do you sound sad?Where's Langa?"

Me:"Please just come."

I hang up and start crying.

The kids are still crying nonstop.

'This happened too soon,way too soon'

I go to our bedroom,we were not sleeping in the same bedroom anymore but I can still feel his presence.

Memories come back,I can still see his smile when I gave birth,we used to do everything together,clean and cook.

I know I should be downstairs,comforting my children but I'm the one who needs to be comforted the most,I couldn't save my husband.

'Knock'

Nomalanga:"Utatamkhulu no Gogo ba kgona"(Grandpa and Grandma are here"

sigh

Me:"I'm coming"

I wipe my eyes 'Here goes nothing'

I can see they look confused especially when the kids are crying and I'm wondering if they already know.

Them:"Is it true?"

Me:"Yes,the doctors tried their best"

Langa's mom:"Tried?You called it trying,they should have tried harder."

Me:"We tried ma,we kept losing him,he had an accident"

Langa's father:"God?God?My one and only son"

I have never seen him crying,never even he lost his parents but I could see this put a strain on him,he looked at me and tears flowed.

Me:"I'll have to contact people to help me with the arrangements"

They nod their heads.

I call Siya and Khaya.

Siya is my first born and Khaya is the youngest.

Khaya:"Mama,where is Dad at?"

Me:"He is in a very beautiful place,he is an angel now"

Khaya:"Wow and when is he coming back?"

Me:"He is always with us,watching over us with his wings"

Khaya:"I want him to come back"

Me:"Yes he will come back,just be patient"

The lies,more people are coming and this feels real.

I sit on a mattress in my bedroom,my parents are here and the first thing I do is cry on my mother's shoulder.

"Uhambile mama,I begged him,I begged him but he still left and no don't give me the 'there is a time for everything speech' please just don't"

Mama:"I won't,be strong,you have children to raise"

Me:"This wasn't part of our plans,this was not,without him?"

Mama:"Yes but you have us,now rest"

I lay my head on the pillow and rest for a bit.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Nomalanga

I'm an orphan.

No this is not real,I just can't believe it.

Noma and Langa both left me alone,in this cruel world.

I hate God even more,I don't understand how he works and thinks,does he even care?

I go upstairs and lock myself in room.

I start screaming,I kick my bed and recall the day he left,we had an argument and this might be my fault.

I didn't say Goodbye.

Rest In Eternal Peace.

Who's going to walk me down the aisle when I get married?Take me to the airport when I leave for varsity?Who is going to cry when I graduate?My kids won't have grandparents.

These little moments matter!They are important but I guess I'll have to experience them alone.I don't know what the future holds and from on now I just live each day as it is and go through whatever it has in store for me.

I feel so numb.