The First Of September

     Whenever I look at the sky, I feel something. But I couldn't remember. Everytime I feel the warm sunlight on my face, or taste the wind, the dryness in the air, I feel lonely. It's a hollow feeling in my chest, like a void. An empty jar that I could not fill. Sometimes, I just feel like I want to cry, or smile, or do both at the same time. I feel bittersweet. Everything about the golden sky tells me that I need to remember something. But what is it? I tend to ask myself. And until now, I don't have the answer. If feelings are enough to convey myself, to make me realize what I am longing for, I must have known it a million times. But it wasn't. This feeling... It makes me think of the dreams that I abandoned, the moon that I couldn't reach or the rain that I couldn't taste.

     Sometimes, I find myself talking to the sky with a smile  on my safe, and the wetness on my cheeks. It's a place where I find peace, and longing. But whatever the reason for thesw feelings, for the bittersweet sadness that I can almost taste, for my wish to touch and feel the sky, to stay there and never come back down—someday, somewhere, somehow...

     I will remember.

     It feels like a promise. Like it was the words that came exactly from my lips, with tears in my eyes, underneath a feeling of freedom, and the feeling of falling from it. I tried to find it everywhere, that feeling, be it quite literally, be it I try to close my eyes and feel my heart for the first time. I can remember the feeling. It was a place that felt like home, where I can free my mind, like I breathe for the first time. I want to feel it again, I want to

remember. I want to come back.

     I reached for the sky with my hands, trying to grab it. I didn't know why I want to reach them, and the mere fact that I couldn't makes me feel so... Hopeless.

     It felt like a sudden jerk, a snap—the cold I felt in my cheeks, the trickle of my tears. I immediately wiped it away, confused. There it is again. Why am I crying? Does leaving this town really made me sensitive and sad to the  point that I'm crying? Tearing why eyes away from the golden sky, the warm pastel colors and the clouds that remini me of the ocean, I gripped my backpack, inhaling the fresh air that I will never fill my lungs again once I'm back in the main city.

     I sighed, looking at my feet. "What is wrong with me?"

     No one answered me besides the soft rustle of the leaves, with the wind as their companion. Slowly, I raised my head, to stare at the river in front of me. For some reason, looking at it gave me the same feelings I felt whenever I look at the sky, but it's not that deep, not that sorrowful. It felt joyous, like a pleasant moment happened here. But I'm pretty sure nothing happened to me here. No one even stopped to appreciate it. But now, why do I feel this?

    I forced a small smile to etch on my lips, and afterwards, a low chuckle came from my lips. I felt kind of ridiculous because of this. Did staying at this town made me kind of dramatic? I continued to stare across the river. I had the vague feeling that I once wondered what is at the other side of it. When it happened, I couldn't remember. All I know is the feeling. But I still wonder.

     Behind me, I heard footsteps, light and gentle across the grass and the ground. I didn't turn around, until the footsteps stopped, until I can only feel that person's presence behind me. I just kept my eyes on the river, staring at the reflection of the sky on it, like a mirror if the world above. It always fascinated me, but something about this town, some fleeting moments in those last few days that I've been here, that I could not remember, made me long for it more. A sudden ache caressed my whole body for some reason, at least not physical. I completely forgot the fact that I'm going to leave.

     "Are you coming or not?" a feminine voice asked me. At first, I couldn't register the voice, then the irritated huff gave it away. It was Rina. "You can't just stand and stare there forever."

    I ripped my eyes away from the river and turned to her slowly, the wind caressing my cheeks. Fall is nearing, making the air a little cold and biting that it should have been. "I want to make this moment last."

     Rina just rolled her brown eyes at me, frowning she has had enough of me. "The only thing you're doing right now is making us wait," she retorted, and a small smile broke on my lips. "The bus rarely comes around here, you have to move from where you are if you don't wan to be left here. Unless you want to stay?"

     I actually hesitated. Glancing back at the orange leaves that surrounded and circled the edge of the river, I bit my lip. For some reason, a part of me didn't want to leave, like it just wants to stay there forever, watching the seasons go by. But then the feeling of sudden need to get away from this place filled me. The need. Why did I feel such a thing, when in the first place, I did know that I will leave this town eventually?

    "Say, Rina..." I trailed off, shifting on my feet, the small rocks and the satisfying sound of the rough ground against my shoes temporarily filled the growing silence. "You...didn't happen to see me doing unusual this August, right?"

     "Besides being filled with attitude and refusing any social interactions with the locals?" She started, arching her eyebrows, then she shook her head. "No, I didn't. Why ask?"

     It took a moment for me to say something. I smiled thinly, "Nothing. I just feel different."

     "Probably because of the countless mugs of coffees you drank ever since you got here. Either way, you know how this town works. It's always like that. You come and leave her as a completely different person." Rina shrugged, obviously not giving any ounce of care about my situation.

     No, this is different, I wanted to say. Being a completely different person once you enter and leave this town is one thing, but something tells me it's not like that. For me, it  felt like everything, everywhere—there is something that's telling me to remember, to clear the blurry feeling of happiness and sadness. Like I jumped on every rock, sang to the wind, flew across the sky. A connection, like there's a part of my mind hidden behind this very town. But, still, I nodded at her, but it felt like I'm convincing myself that it was the case instead of agreeing with her.

     Silence passed between us, the wind whispering to our ears. Rina's glossy, black hair danced with the gentle

breeze as she say, "It's time to leave."

   A sudden feeling of melancholy drowned me, but I nodded, putting both of my hands inside the pocket of my coat. Eventually, you will have to leave. Glancing back at the river, at the golden sky that started to dull the bright colors brought by the sunlight, I whispered my good bye.

  And so I left, with only the feelings I carry. I knew it was the last time. And I hope I stayed.