A Sunny Day, A Loathsome Sky

  When I opened my eyes, I was greeted by the sounds outside of our car, and the soft song that's playing on the radio. I can hear Haruya talking to someone in the background, his voice a dampened by my lack of senses and grogginess. I turned my head sideways to see what was it like outside. I fought back a disappointed sigh the moment I saw that the Sun is up, bright and radiant, just like how I despise it. The skies are clear, and everything under it looked so colorful, full of life. Never once I was a fan of this kind of day, I hate it, to be honest. It is the kind of day where everyone will leave their houses to go somewhere instead of doing the opposite.  

   I looked away from the car window on my side, in hopes of repressing the growing disappointment inside me, then looked at Haruya. It looks like he did not even notice that I was awake. And just like what I thought earlier, he was really talking to someone over the phone. He kept nodding with a smile on his face, but it did not quite reach his eyes.

     That's when I heard a vaguely familiar voice. My stomach turned. Haruya's talking to our mother. Her voice did not change, not really, it just grew a little husky and tired over the phone. I bit the insides of my mouth. She was checking on us—no, on Haruya. The tone of her voice sounded so different the last time I heard her.

     "Okasan, I'm fine, I told you," Haruya said politely. "Yeah, I'm on my way… I'm going to be fine, please don't worry. Yes, of course I'll be careful. Okay, bye." 

    He dropped his phone on the head board, an exhausted look on his face. And that, people, is the look that one gets whenever they try talking to my mother. It's actually a miracle that Haruya did not end up dead after that phone call, but then again, he lived under the same roof with my mother for the last ten years. That's pretty insane. And the fact that he did not attempt to kill  himself at all while being with our mother was almost impossible. I will never have the same respect, politeness and patience as  my dear brother here. My mother and I can sit with each other in silence forever and she'd still manage to irritate me. Or I, to her.

     Not really in good terms, as you all can see. 

    "You didn't tell me she's only expecting you," I said groggily, running my hands on my dark hair while staring at the road in front of us. For some reason, my whole body ached. It was never like this whenever I fall asleep on one of our small couches back in the apartment.

     Haruya laughed. "How can you say that?" 

    "How can I not?"

     It took Haru a moment to say something, but he relented. "True? I guess." He said, and I can tell that he just wants to drop this topic. He glanced at me, his eyes seemingly to grow darker. "By the way, Asahi, about what happened earlier…"

     I winced. "Please spare me the speech, the scolding and the obvious things that you're going to tell me like take my medicine daily when I am." I immediately said. The last thing I want to happen  in this day was Haruya to talk about  my situation. He and I are not comfortable about that, and if we did talk about it, we're going to end up dead. "I'm fine. This car just stinks so much that my body hated me for letting myself in here. Vengeance, remember?" 

  Haruya frowned. "You always try to avoid conversations about this, and the ending will be me, nearly shocking myself to death whenever I see you in that state.  I told you to tell me these kind of things, keeping them to yourself won't do any of us good."

     "You know that's not true. You saw how my inner ninja skills saved both of us," I shrugged. "Besides, I told you I'm fine. Earlier was just a little accident that rarely even happens. Something just triggered me."

     "What did, then?" He asked seriously.

    His lips are set in a hard and straight line. It was so odd seeing him like this, all serious and… Just serious. Whenever someone mentions my brother, probably everyone thinks about is grin and smiles and the sun. Being serious is so unlike him, but I always knew he was like this underneath all that cheerful, radiant and confident persona. I know that it's just one of the masks he wears, that confident and perfect boy, because it's what our parents expected from us, and unlike me, he took everything seriously. He wanted to please them, and now he's stuck in that Golden Boy limbo.

     "This entire trip," I said jokingly, but he did not share the same vibe I forced out of myself. He just stared at me, like I'm some kind of a thing he finds unbelievable, then shook his head lightly, returning his dark onyx eyes on the road. "You're taking this way too serious than me."

     He did not say anything and continued to glare at the road. This sets me off in the silent side of the trip, of course. It was always Haruya who started and kept the our conversations going ever since. He's the social one, after all. The one that's confident enough to make new friends with just three words or a smile, to lead and all that. You know, usual boring stuffs. And I'm his opposite. I'm happy in the sidelines, comfortable and kind of safe. In that way, I can trouble no one and no one can trouble me, unlike Haruya who likes being involved in almost everything. I suppose that's just how it is for him, ever since we were kids.

    I sighed, then dropped everything about what happened earlier. If he does not start talking, neither will I. It's always been like that.  

   "You're being careless. Too careless, Asahi," He finally said. He let out an audible sigh. "What will okasan say when she finds out about this? That you're not… you're not fine."

    "She won't." I answered. "I have you to cover for me." 

   He glared at me. "You expect me to act like this didn't happen at all? Are you kidding me? You're becoming worse day by day, and you expect me to—" He sighed, suddenly exhausted. "No, okay? The last thing I'll do is to act like you're not nearing death every single day."

    "No one's dying."

    "You are."

    "It's starting to sound like you really want me to die, Haru. Not gonna say I'm touched about that."  

  He did not say anything, or he can't say anything. Whatever it is, I'm glad that his silence made the topic to drop. The truth is, I don't know what's happening to me either. The doctors said it's just like your usual and all peachy panic and anxiety attacks, so I guess I'm not really going to die. Haruya's just being exaggerated as usual. Not that I can blame him, though, he's always been like that.

    "I'll tell okasan," He suddenly said, making me almost choke over nothing. He did not mind me. "She deserves to know."

   "I swear to god, Haruya," I warned. "You wouldn't want to do that. I don't want to... Just don't. Besides, she wouldn't care, you know that. The only thing she'll do is to scold me to death and bad mouth me, blame me and all that. There'll be no point."

  "She's still our mom," Haruya murmured under his breath, turning to an underpass. "She deserves to know." He repeated.

    "She doesn't." I snapped. "She doesn't have to know anything about me. Sure, if you want to tell her your life story, do it. Just don't get me involved with it."

   "Asahi," Haruya sighed, then shook his head. "You can't just be mad forever. She's changing, okay? Uncle Kenji has been telling me that. She's better."

    "I'm not mad," I defended. "And she's not better. She never will be. You know exactly why I followed you here in Tokyo, and now you're going to do that? That's a low blow, Haru."

    "Well, I didn't ask you to follow me here," He retorted, and I can tell that he's slowly losing his patience, too. "No one told you to run away from home, and yet you did. If you stayed in Belfast for a little while, I never would have—" He shook his head as he let out a low grumble. "Don't argue with me on this. She's our mother."

    I stopped myself before I can say something that I will regret later. I let out a gruff sigh, then sank in my seat. I looked outside the window, calming myself, then mumbled. "You know she won't care." Hell, I've been living with her for the past ten years, and she did not even notice the changes in me.

    He did not say anything, and I'm almost thankful. We both know the difference of how our mother—Elaine—treats the both of us, so saying something that's out of his experience won't really help that much. I never really had any idea why she and okasan (as Haruya would call our mother) gets along so well despite being away from each other almost half of their lives. Not like I care, though. To be honest, maybe it's really just because of myself. How can I expect mother to know that my panic attacks are getting worse when I've never really been anywhere in Ireland besides my room? Our father, on the other hand, I never really had any significant connection with him.

    "You should give her a chance," Haruya mumbled in a gentle tone. "After all, it has been a year since you left Ireland. I'm sure she learned some of her lessons."

    I didn't say anything, telling myself that there'll  be no point of talking to Haruya when it comes to our mother. After all, he does not know anything, not really. I just sighed as a reply, then left it at that. Haruya seems satisfied enough, for he let himself relax, turned up the radio and started to jam with it quietly, as if he's trying to erase the memory of what happened just a few minutes ago. Just like he always did. Haruya hated leaving things like they are, and he'd do almost everything to change it. It irritates and relieves me in the same time.

    After for what seemed like an hour, we reached out first 'stop' as Haruya called it. I don't find the need to stopping to Seven-Eleven when we got everything we need in the backseat, but Haruya insisted.

    "You're really just gonna waste our money, Haru," I said. He rolled his eyes at me. "We literally have our food in the backseat. Why in the world do we even need to stop and prolong this trip?"

    "Who knows if Okayama doesn't have the hotdogs that I want?" He retorted, and I swear to God, he sounded like a child. "I don't wanna be stuck there with nothing but your junk foods and sodas."

    "At least I keep it flavorful unlike your sick taste for cup noodle— Hold on, hold on," I stopped for a second then blinked at him. What in the world did he just say? "Okayama?"

    Haruya nodded, seemingly ignorant. "What? Thought you're in uninterested?" He shrugged. "Don't make it a big deal. It's literally just six hours away. Or seven. I don't know."

    "Yes, I am aware, but what in the world are we going to do in Okayama? Are you sure mom told you to go—" I stopped myself, finding it very pointless to even ask questions at this point. "Whatever, it's not like I can get myself out of this drag. In the middle of the summer. I am here with you, to Okayama, to waste my life away in a less comfortable way. This is not making me puke at all."

    Haruya rolled his onyx eyes. "You're being dramatic. Surprising. But try to be a little considerate, can you? You literally haven't been Okayama before, and so did I, so what's wrong about looking forward to it?" He fixed his white jacket, turning off the car. "I can't imagine how boring your life has been, Asahi."

    "You have no idea," I mumbled under my breath.

    "Thankfully! I'm here to make you live a little. Let's start with getting out of your seat and come with me inside Seven-Eleven."

    "I don't get it? That will depress me."

    "Are you even my brother?"

    "Hah. Been thinking the same thing," I faked the shock look on my face as I turn to him. "Maybe you're adopted?"

   He actually laughed at this, when I'm actually wondering about it."I doubt that, little brother. If there's someone adopted between the two of us, it would be you. Never saw otousan and okasan shut themselves up in their room."

  "That's because you're so busy pleasing them when we're still kids that you didn't stay up at night to see them do that." I shrugged. "Guess who's not living their life?"

   "Kami... God, no. That's disgusting!" He exclaimed, but he was chuckling. "Why the hell did you tell me that? Do you realize how gross is that? And did you just call snooping on our parents late in the night as living?"

    "Yes and yes. Still not going with you inside the store, though. I want to sleep a little more in here."

    "You realize you can suffocate, right?"

   "Yes, please. Feed me good news."

   "I can't believe you're actually my brother. How in the world does that even work?" He asked himself, like I'll actually care about whatever he's saying. "I literally thought that you'd be the more approachable and sociable one because you lived in Ireland."

  "That doesn't make sense."

   "I mean..." Haruya trailed off and I can picture him running his hands on his hair and making this I-am-so-stupid-I-need-to-think-for-a-second look that actually suits him because it's kind of true. "I guess you just don't know how controlling otosan can be. He doesn't let me do things my way for half of my life, got curfews and schedules and all that. Maybe that's why I always thought of following you and okasan to Europe for almost fifteen years."

    I slowly turned to him again, not knowing what to act or say exactly. I mean, I'm pretty aware of how the things go in an Asian family, or in just our family, to be honest, but I always thought that Haruya was perfect with all this I want to become perfect set-up. "Why didn't you?"

    Haruya shrugged, a small grin on his face. "I can't."

    "Why the hell not?"

    He laughed lowly. "I just can't. Can't leave otosan or anyone back in Hokkaido, to be honest. I just want to get away from them sometimes, but, well, you know how this goes. Pride of our family, responsibilities. You know, elder sibling duties." He scratched the side of his jaw, as if releasing some tension. "It's fine now, though.

    It took me several moments to say something. He's right, though. There was nothing we could do, so I copied his movements and shrugged. "I mean, sure. You eat cup noodles everyday. That's saying something."

    "Can you please move on with me and my noodles? That's rude. I just can't find a perfect ramen shop in Tokyo. I miss everything in Hokkaido," He sod wistfully, and I can tell that he means it. Maybe despite the pressure that our father gave him, he's actually been attached to all of it. Which is weird because I don't even want to go back in Belfast despite all the thing that happened to me. "Whatever, though, guess I'm just stuck here with you with nothing but cup noodles. This is better than I thought, actually."

    I looked at him incredulously. "How dare you?"

    Haruya laughed then patted my back three times, with force that can kill a cow, then said, "I'm just saying, I'm glad you followed me here. Can't imagine being alone in Tokyo without anyone I know."

    "Isn't that the exact thought of running away? To go somewhere without anyone that knows you?" I shook my head. "You're surprising me with this stupidity, Haru."

    He groaned at me, "It's not like we actually know each other," He retorted. "Gods, we've been apart for almost our whole lives. You're more like an unwanted guest, to be honest. Unwanted but kind of necessary."

    "Thanks," I mouthed.

    "Well, it's literally either you or Rina," Haruya frowned like the word Rina left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. Or he remembered something. I remembered the name Rina, back when we were kids. "Do you remember her?"

    "Yeah, sure," I answered dismissively. "Can't remember her face anymore, though." I scrunched my forehead, trying to dig inside my mind. I can't remember anyone that I met back in Hokkaido, when mother and I still come to visit.

    "When I told her that I'm going here, in Tokyo, she said she wanted to go with me, not in that way. Said she'll let herself get lost in the crowd and never come back to Hokkaido again. Of course, I didn't let her. I said that we'll both get in trouble if ever. Plus, it's not like I'm running away from Hokkaido. That was her." Haruya said, sighing. "I don't get it, though? Her life's great in Hokkaido."

    "You should stop assuming that everyone's life is great, Haru." I shrugged when he gave me a quizzical look. "It's obvious that she needed it. Whatever, I guess she still left Hokkaido after you refused to—"

    "No, she's still in Hokkaido." Haruya interjected.

    I chuckled. "Wow. You're a dumbass."

    "What? I just can't let her get in trouble, you know that. We've been friends for almost our whole life, and I don't want to be the reason if something happens to her." Haruya defended, but his face was troubled. "I just can't."

    I didn't say anything after that, because I really don't know what to say. I don't get it. I don't get why Haruya would think that he would be the reason why if ever something happens to Rina. Whatever happens to her, it would be her fault, the consequences of her own actions, not his. I turned away from Haruya, not really thrilled to hear more anymore. There was nothing he can do besides getting consumed by his conscience slowly the moment that he realizes what he just did to Rina. Or whatever.

    But of course, despite the very actions I did for him to get the idea that I wanted to drop the topic, Haruya pushed further. He may be the one that's well-liked by the others, the bright and the optimistic one, he's really dense, especially when it comes to this. He doesn't realize the consequences of his actions, as long as he assumes it's for the good.

    "You think what I did was wrong, don't you?" Haruya asked, and I glanced at him. "You think leaving her in Hokkaido was bad thing."

    "Wrong?" I emphasized. "What? No. I just don't get it. Rina has her free will, whatever she wants to do, wether she leaves or not, you have no say about it. You don't have the right to refuse her in the first place or the opposite. So how in the world would I think you did something wrong?" I questioned, and all he replied was a frown and a confused look. Of course he doesn't get it.

    Haruya shrugged, "Oh, well, whatever... It's not like she's going to hate me the moment I show my face in Hokkaido after this summer."

    "Wait, what?" This time, I couldn't help myself. "You're going back to Hokkaido? Right after this summer? As in, after our trip to Okayama?"

    "That's what I said," He answered shortly, and his tone told me that he did not want to stay and talk longer anymore. As he was about to leave the car, he turned to me again, "You coming or not? This is our first and last stop. Well, our last stop when we get to the station, at least."

   I groaned, shaking off the questions inside my head the moment I heard that he's going to go back in Hokkaido. If he did, it's either he lets me to do whatever I want with his apartment in Tokyo or I will go back to Belfast, breathing the same air as my mother once again. I waved my hand in a dismissive manner, staring at the cars that's parked in front of us. I find it kind of odd to see the streets kind of empty early in the morning. Unlike in Belfast, the Sun is not even up, you'll hear people's footsteps and their vehicles speeding by your place.

    "Fine, whatever," Haruya mumbled under his breath and finally left the car. He was shaking his head when he did.

    I sighed, picking up my phone to look if there's some things that I missed the whole two hours of boredom I experienced because of Haruya. He kept telling me to put my phone down and just enjoy the view outside. Who even enjoys the view outside? It's the outside. It's not supposed to be enjoyable. That's the most ridiculous thing he told me up until now, to be honest.

    A sudden ping from my phone brought me back to reality and out of my ranting head. I squinted my eyes at it, checking if someone actually messaged me or am I just hallucinating. See, my phone's sole purpose is to save me from boredom, and that's by making me play games and music, not because of messages. No one in my entire life someone will have the guts to message me, and it would be impossible because of the fact I don't give my number to anyone at all, even Haruya. In short, it's useless.

    I groaned, not exactly what to feel because of this. Maybe it's just a wrong number, or something, probably those kind of generic pranks that is weirdly popular these days. I checked outside, spotting Haruya standing in front of the convenience store's  counter, holding his wallet and smiling and grinning at the person in front of him.

    "Whatever..." I mumbled under my breath and tapped the message. I was just curious and I couldn't help it. My mind immediately pictured the worst case scenario that might happen out of this small act. It's either someone's got my number in purpose in order to get some money from me by scamming and all that, or it's a message of a person having a weird conversation with whoever they're supposed to send the message to.

    But, the message is nothing amongst any of that. It's just a simple message, consisted of three words.

    "Are you there?"