2 - Happy Time Fun Planet
It's the Dark Side. I can just go over to genocidal, cackling evil and I'll hear her again.
I look over at the nine year old. It's not some Shakespearian actor channeling Macbeth or Henry saying 'Do it'. It was her. This is why there are rules against falling in love, attachments and everything else educated people in their comfy chairs scoff at. Because we're trained to believe the devil speaks like he walked off The Globe.
But that's not it at all, is it? True evil uses the voice you won't want to disobey. The voice who says 'I love you'. The voice some of us really would set the Galaxy on fire for.
Anakin looks up at me and smiles. Sorry kiddo, I am going to fail. We are so doomed.
Another thought strikes me. Yoda. He must have known. The old ways are right, the old ways are good. He didn't want him trained and got gift wrapped the perfect opportunity to not do so.
The rotter.
"Excuse me." I said and left to look for a toilet. Fresher. Whatever you call it. Small room you can scream and swear in without causing undue distress in crew and passengers.
I am a stoic space monk and I am so screwed.
-----
It was a short trip there and a short trip back. I lead Anakin and Shmi down the ramp to happy time fun planet, days since last murder raid by psychotic indigs, forever.
The bay is a bit more crowded than when we departed. Padme and all her attendants are out in force like a heavily armed Girl Guides troop. Or the St Trinian's hockey squad.
Happy time fun planet. Leading cause of death? Lese Majesty. Punishment swiftly administered by all girl ninja team. Smile, be nice, don't snark on pain of death.
Since there are no options I step off the ramp and bow. So do Anakin and Shmi. That's when Padme starts clapping. Ninja squad joins in.
Stop, stop. You're doing it wrong! The heroes left last week. I've just done something even Baldrick couldn't screw up.
Thankfully they stop. What do I do? Do they want a new badge?
"Your Majesty is too kind. This was only the first and easiest step. Shmi Skywalker this is Queen Amidala. Queen Amidala, Shmi Skywalker." I said. Ninja squad tenses. Oh, do you do that the other way round?
Padme smiles.
"Thank you Master Jedi. Allow me to welcome you to my home Ms Skywalker. Naboo cannot thank you and your son enough. Please come, let us find out how we can now help you find a new life here." she said.
Shmi looks worried. I walk back to her fumbling through my kit until I find it.
"Go with them. It's okay. Just don't buy any biscuits. Oh, can you hold out your hand?" I said and quickly take a blood sample. "Just checking you for Jedi powers." I assure everyone.
I am a weird space monk. I can get away with weird stuff.
"Sorry everyone. Got to run. Enjoy the Palace." I said and left at a run. Mainly to get Shmi tested. Also to avoid death by ninja squad. I need to think and heavily armed cheerleaders interrupt my thought processes.
Need a plan. Need a plan. Need a plan.
-----
The med centre has Shayla on duty. Of course it does. I could come in at three in the morning and she would be on shift. Cos destiny innit?
She also does not look happy to see me. She scowls and folds her arms. Totally a pans-species gesture. No pheromones either.
"Master Dee-Jay. If that is your real name." she said.
"That is the name I was given by the Temple." I said, smiling. "Not the best, but it could be worse. Ever hear of Plo Koon?"
"No. Prove yourself. How would I know you are a Jedi." she said.
I cause a small object to rise using the Force.
"There, that sufficient? Why are you suspicious?" I ask. She nods, after glancing about to check I don't have a hand tractor nearby.
Shayla flipped out a pad. On it were odd glyphs and the wacky Basic alphabet. I can sort of read it now, but this mass of technical jargon? No idea.
"This is your so called infection. Human male. M count off the scale. Who is it? I'm guessing they're not a Jedi?" said Shayla.
Palpatine. Someone who would order your death if he even thought you knew. He wants me dead too, but that's the whole 'Kill all the Jedi with my cunning plan' thing.
"You're not going to tell me, are you?" Shayla says.
"No, it's a deadly secret. And the killer is telepathic." I said.
"Well, then there's the other thing." Shayla said and tapped the pad showing more glyphs.
"What's this?" I said.
"You." she says scowling. She taps the pad showing something recognisable. A representation of a bunch of chromosomes. Mine, I guess. Looks like every other one I have seen.
"So, all present and correct?" I say hopefully.
Shayla slams the pad down.
"No. Your genes are all over the place. Wrong order, wrong chromosomes and that's another thing. Humans, real humans have forty four. So, Master Dee-Jay. What the hell are you?"
Arms folded, she glares at me. I'm not human? Damn.
I look at Shayla. Absolutely marvellous. Of course I'm not human. I just look like one. My ancestors ambled out of Africa several million years ago, unlike any other 'human' within a hundred thousand light years. I have more in common with my tomato plants back home than anything here.
I need a really good explanation, right now.
"I don't know! What do you mean I am not human?" I said. There, real cool.
"I, I am not sure. You look human." She raises her hand to my forehead. "Temperature seems normal. Hold out your arm."
That last instruction usually is a prelude to getting stuck with a needle back home. Here too, in all likelihood. Still, I hold out my arm. Could be they have some technological marvel that, nope it's a bloody needle. Shayla applies a pressure band, finds a vein and deftly removes a few millilitres of blood. That does get placed in a small device which probably replicates several large machines that go ping. She looks at the results on her pad after a minute or so.
"Blood, is normal too. Well within limits to account for any outbreeding in your family tree. You're a damn good copy of a human, whatever you are." she said looking at me.
"Maybe I'm a magic construct of the Force." I said. Not a total fib, even true, from a certain point of view.
Shayla gives me a look. "The typical Jedi response to anything they don't understand? Just invoke the Force and stop thinking?"
I see why the Jedi are not universally loved. For all it's wackiness, this universe runs on rules, rules the locals understand. Except when it comes to the Jedi. Having your system rely on the support of people whose response to most matters is 'Hey, it's a kind of magic' must be infuriating to those who usually need more comprehensive answers. Ten weeks ago I would of agreed with her. I was a member of a similar society where 'magic' was not an acceptable explanation. Or, so I thought. At least it has convinced her that I am a Jedi.
"I am sorry Shayla. I know it's not much of an answer, my first memories are of the Jedi Temple." I said. Complete rubbish, but what am I going to say?
Shayla's expression changes, softens. "Why? How could knowing where you are from be a bad thing?"
Just ask my charge in thirteen years. Or don't, he will probably kill you.
"It isn't really. But it's another potential distraction to people who can casually warp everything to their desires. The Jedi Order acts as a limiter on those who, unrestrained, can cause almost limitless damage." I said.
Shayla nods. "You believe this mystery person is a danger?"
More than you can imagine. I nod however. Oh yes. Almost forgot. I hold up the sample.
"That reminds me. Can we test this person too?" I said. At Shayla's suspicious look I add. "Don't worry, I think this person is okay."
I get another pan-species gesture, as she shrugs and sighs before showing me how to use the scanner. The small machine beeps and we look at the display. While I cant usefully read, the graphs are telling enough. I point to the bar way outside the green line showing the average or median for humans, I think.
"Is that saying what I think it does?" I said.
"Are you going to tell me who this is?" said Shayla looking at me.
I really cant see how I could keep this a secret.
"Well, you know the kid who flew a ship and saved everyone..." I began.
-----
I wander through the streets trying to think. In hindsight it seems kind of obvious. Why would the Force choose Shmi to be this universe's version of Mary? Or Palps, Random Sith Lord 15 or whoever it was? They wouldn't have chosen someone on Tatooine to tie in with some twenty year old story. They have their own reasons. Tatooine is just outside the Republic's sphere of influence, but conveniently accessible, especially to Naboo, adding to the 'it's Palpatines all the way down' theory. I stop. Are there other Anakins out there? You know, just in case something happened to this chosen one?
Is that something Palpatine would do? His plans do seem towards the all eggs in one basket with way too many moving parts type. So only the one Anakin if he's in charge. Same with the Force. If it's someone else though. Well, we can't act on that stuff, can only keep our eyes open and all. Speaking of keeping our eyes open.
Theed is really beautiful. Broad avenues with covering frondy plants. Open plazas with ornate fountains. Sculpted parks and swimming pools. People and aliens, who I really should start thinking of as people too walk about everywhere. Droids too. Droids seem plentiful, cheap and do all the boring work unless you want to show off and employ people. Which seems to be one of the main forms of conspicuous consumption here. Want to show off how well your shop is doing? Hire a minion. Even if they do nothing but stand about being decorative. Or learning how to be ninjas.
There's the other thing. The people are good looking. Really good looking. I am a total spud compared to everyone round here. I never harboured any real illusions about my looks but at least people didn't call me out on it. Unlike the child a few minutes ago. I smiled at the poor parents as they dragged their offspring away while it exclaimed about the 'huge spot on my face'. Just another thing to think about. Good thing I'm a space monk and am above such things. Still, just one biosculpt session? No. I'm high profile enough what with the Chosen One and all. Later, when they kick me out of the order.
Eventually, one of the ninjas arrives to summon me back to the Palace. As I walk back with her she looks at me and wrinkles her nose. Great, ugly and smelly.
"Do you have any other clothes?" she says disapprovingly.
I shake my head. "No. Technically these are not mine either." I said.
"I am not letting you eat with the Queen until you have cleaned and changed." she said, mentally adding 'and burn these appalling rags'.
"Okay, well be carefull with my current set. I've worn them since becoming a master." I said. Not true, I have other sets, but they are back at Coruscant.
The ninja contrived to walk in front of me back to the Palace.
-----
Wearing a light green shirt and trousers I am led to dinner with the Queen. It's a small informal dinner with a teenage monarch, two Skywalkers and several ninja scouts. Currently I was trying to work out how the utensils worked. I'm told I use the knife and fork the wrong way round, but here? What is that thing?
The rather bland conversation which I wasn't really paying attention to was interrupted.
"What are your plans now Master Jedi?" said Shmi with a worried tone.
'Where are you taking my son?' I translate.
I put down the spiral utensil which I couldn't work out. "Well, that depends on Anakin. To hear his story there are several places to begin training. His aptitude with machines is incredible and clearly related to his sensitivity to the Force. I feel that could be encouraged and developed by visiting the starfighter hanger here." I said.
Anakin, who looked even more bored than me perked up at that. "Starfighters? Can we do that?" he said.
"Well we will have to ask their owner for permission this time. No just jumping in one and flying off with it." I answered.
Padme smiles. Alright, it was going to be an easy sell there. Shmi however.
"How did you end up flying a starfighter Ani?" she said in a sweet tone that nonetheless set off alarms. Oops.
"It was great mom. Qui-Gon led us into the Palace..." said Anakin as he excitedly launched into a retelling of his role in the recent battle. Shmi would occasionally respond in a flat tone saying things like 'I see.', 'You did what?' and 'Of course' all the while looking up to glare at me. I wonder how claiming I was not here will go down? Badly, I suspect. The Jedi casually endangered Anakin and I'm now the local Jedi.
"Then I flew out of the exploding droid control ship and Artoo and I flew back down to the planet. He let me land by myself." concluded Anakin at the end of his tale.
"That's very interesting Ani. Can you just get my shawl from my room please?" Shmi asked, all sweetness and light.
One of the ninjas rises and escorts Anakin away. "Come on, I'll show you where to go." she says leading the boy off. Shmi waits until we can no longer hear them.
"Are you Jedi all completely insane! I thought that by entrusting my son to your care he would be safe. To be trained to use his powers. Not irresponsibly thrust into the next available war zone!" said Shmi, her voice rising.
"I am afraid we can no longer ask Qui-Qon. I however believe that events overtook him and that it was never his intention to endanger Anakin." I said.
"Last I knew was that Ani was being taken to Coruscant. How did he end up on another ship back to Naboo and a war?" said Shmi.
Good question. No bloody idea. Claiming dramatic necessity is not going to cut it. Is this my fate? Dealing with the Prequels' somewhat questionable writing decisions?
"If I may Mrs Skywalker, it was I who requested Anakin return with me to my planet. I had hoped to show him what his heroism on Tatooine had bought. I never intended for him to become involved in the fighting. As Master Dee-Jay said, events did overtake us and it was indeed fortunate they did so. Your son has not only saved my person, but my entire world." said Padme.
I take the time the two women spend looking at each other to close my mouth. Is that what happened? My memory of the Prequels is admittedly fuzzy, but I am reasonably sure that's not it. By the time anyone looks back my mouth is closed and I can look the part of a wise monk and not a complete fraudster caught with the goods.
"You will see my son is safe?" asks Shmi, turning back to me.
"I will do what I can. It remains however that the Galaxy is a dangerous place. I cannot make any further promises. If Anakin does start by working on ships I will make sure they stay grounded until he has a pilot's licence." I said trying on my best 'sage master' style.
Shmi seems mollified by this. "I, will think on that. Excuse me." she said, rose and departed.
That left me with the Queen and remaining assault girl guide.
"Thank you." I said looking at her.
"Anakin spent the entire time talking about how he would become the greatest Jedi ever." said Padme, she paused and reddened. "He said that he would always rescue me. It was very sweet."
Damn prescience in all it's forms. Nothing but trouble in my opinion.
"Your very own Jedi guardian. A shining knight with a magic sword to rescue the Queen." I said.
"Well, I won't be a Queen forever." Padme said. Was that a touch of regret? For a moment the mask cracks to reveal the fourteen year old underneath.
"And Anakin won't remain a child either." I said.
"What are you saying Master Jedi?" said Padme changing to a definite 'We are not amused' tone.
Is there a woman I have not annoyed today? Hmm, nope.
"I am a Jedi Master. Which means some things are obvious to me. Like the impression you two have made on each other. Anakin is potentially the most powerful Force user of the modern era. He will mold and shape everything and everyone around him as easily as you and I breathe. It would be good to remain mindful of that." I said.
"Oh please. He's nine." said Padme.
"In ten years he will be nineteen. You will be twenty four. I have no idea what will happen, but if you're both grounded in reality then it can only result in better choices for all concerned." I said.
Padme regards me. I am uncomfortably aware that Naboo monarchs are innocent, not stupid.
"I, see. What do you want?" she said.
"For a start, a grounded starfighter and a big pile of busted droid parts." I said.