23 - A not so short, victorious war.
"Roger, Roger."
"Roger, Roger."
I am reminded of those talking toys that would repeat a stock line back when it 'hears' something and what happens in a warehouse full of the damn things. Except these are B1 Battledroids. They're a whole lot less fuzzy, much bigger and better armed than your standard Furby.
"Roger, Roger."
"Roger, Roger."
They are also only slightly more intelligent than smeeps. How do the Neimoidians stand it?
"Roger, Roger."
Ow. By not being cramped in a carrier with the daft things is how. I look over at Anakin who is calmly just lying down and not being jostled, jabbed and stepped on by the damn Rogers.
"I blame you. This was your idea." I say.
Anakin turns his head.
"My idea? I distinctly remember your input too Dee-Jay." he replies.
"Okay, okay. Our, plan. So who the hell approved this? I want to complain to the management."
"That would be you. Dee-Jay. In conclusion, this is all your fault." says Anakin with a smirk.
Is there any way to go back in time, tell the Jedi to go screw themselves and retire to the Nudist Planet? Damn all exiting adventures.
"Roger, Roger."
"Oh, shut up!"
Fortunately, the trip does not take forever. It only seems that way. The carrier stops and the droids disembark. We wait patiently.
"What is this?"
"Relief rotation. You're all due a maintenance cycle."
"Phew. This planet is terrible. Hear that boys? Oil baths for everyone!"
There is a chorus of mechanical cheers.
"Actually, I lied. This is a takeover. Hands up."
"Ohh, no."
We then get out, secure the base and then call in the others to begin reprogramming our captives. Well, everyone else does. I keep an eye out for any actual reinforcements.
In the morning I give the two Terraformers staying behind to oversee Orbital Traffic Control Four my best 'Master Dee-Jay is serious' glare.
"I want you two to promise that you'll get out at the first sign of trouble. No heroics or last stands. Just leg it." I admonish.
The two kids nod and smile.
"Yes Master Dee-Jay!" they chorus, the Force indicating that they're being honest, for now.
"And remember, small errors only, and not every one. Keep them guessing."
In return I get 'the look'. Yeah, yeah, don't tell us how to do our jobs barbarian.
"Very well." I say and give them a quick bow. "The Force is with you, always."
-----
Driving out of town we are stopped by a checkpoint. A droid walks over to the crawlers cabin.
"Relax. It's one of ours." says Anakin besides me.
"Let's see some ID." rasps the droid
"You don't need to see our identification." I say.
"What? Oh right. I don't need to see your identification." says the droid.
"These are not the droids you're looking for." I say.
"Huh? Oh, of course. Not the right droids. Gotcha." says the droid and then waves us through.
We continue driving away from the town.
"Dee-Jay?"
"Yes Anakin?"
"I don't understand the code phrases. I mean, the first one makes sense, but the second? Why would anyone say that to droids?" he says.
Why ever indeed?
"Because it's not something you would normally say. That way our droids know it's us." I say.
There is a pause.
"Okay. I just, get this sense that you're not telling me everything sometimes."
Big understatement Mr Maybe Vader Someday Later.
"I promise, I will reveal everything in the fullness of time. Besides, have I ever lied to you?"
"Well, when you said you were not well to get out of dinner with mom and instead spend the night with Shayla."
"Oh come on, your moms cooking is good, just not that good.":
"Or when you told me lime ice cream is disgusting."
"A noble sacrifice."
"Or when you didn't have a lesson ready so I was free to go with Amelia."
"I beg the greater good on that one"
"Or when..."
"Anakin! Anything, substantive?"
"I'm just pointing out that you do lie, a lot."
"Well, when you have your own apprentice or worse, children, I believe you will finally understand."
There is at last some silence. For a few minutes.
"What do you mean, children?"
While we're now so off base I doubt we'll be getting the terrible twins, I feel they're still a good indication of what's in your future buddy. If this all works out. If.
-----
Making the battleship go boom wasn't going to be the end of this. The bad guys have more and it wasn't long before two more arrived. They decided to park further away though. Although there was no way we could recreate our little trick we also were not letting them know that. This has totally ruined many of their advantages. They can't scan us from orbit and Neforaan's atrocious weather makes longer range surveillance all but impossible. Fighter strikes have appalling long time to target and cannot remain for very long at all. This means ground bases and traffic control points like the one we just converted. All that adds to the general confusion as to whose droids are whose down here. The Neimoidian EW boys are no slouches, but again are limited by operating remotely. Or to brave visiting planet side and playing 'is this droid on my side' in person. We have our code phrases, the Force and the enemy droids are really leery of getting destroyed. How can you be such shitty employers that even your droids don't like you? Thank the Force for cartoon villainy.
It's not all overcast skies and mud wrestling however. While the government managed to get a message off to Coruscant, the reinforcements have prevented any semblance of a reply. Since I have a pretty good idea who Abby tipped off, I wasn't really counting on any help from the capital. I'm also not sure what they could do in any case. What does the Republic have? Not sure Patrol ships are going to be able to do more than say 'Please stop invading the planet.' The Neforaan Terraforming Corporation might cobble together a mercenary fleet to protect it's interests, but equally given that their biggest asset isn't going anywhere they might just wait it out. Our biggest hope is to make this way too costly for the Neimoidians that they give up and go conquer something worth actual money. Since with that we're up against Gunray's fear of Sideous that could take some time.
I still don't believe the bastard survived. What possessed him to come down with the ships heading for the capital anyway? It's not like he had any problem berating everyone for a week via holo before. So it looks like a case of the Force looking after fools and madmen, and isn't it always a worry when I start referencing Kreia. Hopefully, it's the crazy sense of melodrama that's practically a cosmological constant in it's own right at work, saving him for some climatic confrontation with someone. He's now safe and cosy back on his ship. Oh well, back to the issues at hand.
"Stay away from the edge of death you stupid, stupid rat creatures!" I yell as I brandish a shock staff and try to herd the smeeps away from a cliff edge.
I'm a Jedi Master, a Rebel Leader and still, my most useful skill when not on mission is smeep wrangling.
"Oh for the love of, that's a bush, you amorous dolt!" I say and brandish my staff.
-----
I am a smeep. I am a smeep. I am, a smeep.
No, having been on this mudball, er, currently thirty three hundred light years from Shayla for several months has not finally driven me insane and going totally native. Rather, this is my latest cunning plan. Since the Neimoidians developed a sense of total paranoia regarding any battledroid not fresh out of the box and been in their sight all the time we're giving new methods of infiltration a go. Such as driving smeep herds up against compounds or where they have not bothered with walls, through them. So they are used to the stupid creatures bumbling round. Which means this mud splattered filthy animal can bumble in with the other mud splattered filthy animals, delivering them the occasional kick because I am still not that far gone. Amble, amble, amble. Booma goes here. Amble, amble, kick. Booma goes there. Amble, kick, amble out.
An hour later the base explodes because kids, this is important. Do not place semi stable plasma charges in starship thrusters. Nor should you place them under fuel tanks. It is extremely irresponsible and someone could get hurt.
A few days later I am back at our base.
"Who is it?" calls Jane, who is currently on guard duty.
I stagger up and point at my chest.
"Tarzan." I say. I then prod the guard. "Jane."
The geologist looks at me blankly.
"I'll get Anakin. I'll tell him you're in the showers."
Everyone's a critic.
-----
"Die, evil Jedi." I say, imitating a battledroid. I check the blaster's charge is set to practice mode and then unleash a burst at Anakin down range. Anakin for his part, deflects or dodges the bolts to the amazement of the onlookers as the barrage continues. Several of the bolts whizz past me. After a while I stop.
"You see, it can be done. Nothing is impossible. Not in the Force." I say.
"But Skywalker is incredibly powerful. We can't do that." points out Valea.
"Really?" I walk forwards and toss Anakin the blaster, which he catches. "I have a more normal Force potential, if there can even be said to be such a thing." I continue as I walk back to where I was. "But I am old and easily confused." I say as I tie a cloth round my eyes before activating my lightsabre. "In your own time Anakin."
There is a small pause and then I move the lightsabre in quick, fluid motions, blocking the bolts. When the assault ends I remove the cloth.
"Does that satisfy your concerns? Strength is important, but so is skill, confidence and faith in the Force. Which is why we practice. Now, who wants to begin?"
Later I watch Anakin spar with Amelia.
"Why are you holding it in that hand?" she says as they begin.
Anakin looks down. As normal, the weapon is in his left hand.
"Oh. It's how we always start." says Anakin looking at the weapon in his left hand.
Amelia transfers her lightsabre from right to left hand.
"Is this so we can learn to use the lightsabre in either hand?" asks Amelia.
Anakin pauses, unsure,
"I don't know. No, that must be it. You're right. Shall we begin?" he says.
Amelia nods and they both bow, adopt a guard stance and begin.
-----
"I'm losing her!" shouts Herkam.
He and several volunteers are attempting to save Maran. Blaster bolt to the chest. Massive tissue damage, Herkam is the our local medtech. While supplies are limited, the sheer potency of Galactic medication borders on the miraculous. I am the local Jedi Master and through me, the Force works actual miracles. With our powers combined we have kept casualties far lower than I expected. Anyone who makes it back is almost guaranteed to survive.
Almost however, is not always. Maran is dying, technically she has been dead for fifteen minutes. That is not beyond the scope of Galactic medicine, nor the Force. Herkam and his team struggle while I implore the Force to bring this kid back. I have learned a lot since my first, near fatal attempt at healing, both in how to manipulate the Force and general physiology.
It is not enough. Twenty minutes later we finish. We cover Maran's body. I go and speak to her family. Later I find somewhere to be alone. Maran wasn't the first and won't be the last. I just wish...
'You could have saved her.' comes the voice.
'No, go away. Don't you have others to torment? Go bother Sheev. Let him know he's winning.'
"I don't want Sideous. I want to help you. Aren't you curious as to how you could have saved her?'
'You know I would.'
'Wonderful. Actually, you've done it before already. You just need control and maybe a little willingness to use another's life force instead of your own.' purrs Abby.
-----
"Roger, Roger."
"Dee-Jay!" asks Anakin. We're aboard another carrier, it's full of stupid droids and we're enroute to pick up.
"Yes Anakin?" I ask.
"Are you alright? I sense something, about you, you feel different." he says.
"It's just the fighting. I am tired Anakin. We should have done this sooner." I say.
There is a jostle as the carrier boards the transport. Along with several others.
"We couldn't do it before now. Wait. You know this. You planned all this." says Anakin.
"I know. I know. I just wish it could have been done faster. We could have saved more people." I say.
"Roger. Roger"
Oh, be quiet.
The shuttles ascend to the battleship far above. This would never work in a sensible universe, one where robot ships wouldn't bother with silly things like atmosphere and life support for any stowaways to conveniently take advantage of. Even if they did, they would certainly scan for lifeforms. They do neither. So we sneak aboard with several companies of battledroids and a plan of Grand Theft Lucrehulk. I detail various bods to their targets and then Anakin, Amelia and myself lead the assault on the bridge. Things go well. We have the advantage of speed, surprise and, aside from a few Droideka induced hiccups we reach the bridge. Unlike in TPM, the doors open for us revealing a crowd of terrified Neimoidians and an elderly, silver haired man in dark clothing.
"Hello Master Dee-Jay. We meet again. May I thank you for delivering the Chosen One. It would of been such a chore to search the planet for him." says Count Dooku.
I'm in a room with Dracula. Who has a lightsabre, and I have already used up my makeshift Death Star.
This is... bad.