Chapter thirty three - mental health flashbacks

Hi guys, this chapter is all about mental health and self-harm.

So if you're easily triggered by self-harm, I would skip this chapter.

Thanks

Megan

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Chapter thirty-three

Mental health flashbacks

Back at FCR I did a lot of self-harming and writing this book reminds me of it; I feel it's important to involve this.

Once I got so depressed and wanted to die, so I grabbed a glass from the kitchen and brought it up to my room, then smashed it.

It took ages to smash and my friend KM was with me, she laughed at my efforts of breaking the mug. I threw it lots of times before it broke; when she had gone, later on, I stabbed myself in the stomach with it.

Sadly for me, this attempt failed.

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When I got depressed, I had another best friend called KB, as I've said before.

Well, she had agreed to meet up with me daily to help me, however when I got diagnosed with depression, she stopped. She didn't believe that I had depression.

Sadly our friendship was never fixed.

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I've spoken about how people plant feelings and thoughts into my mind, well once at FCRT EJ asked me out in secret, this is because relationships were banned at the college.

Anyway, I didn't realise he was asking me out until I had already hurt his feelings. He had assumed that I had said "no"

This affected our friendship and I never knew why until my other friend called H had told me.

In some ways, I'm glad that I didn't realise because people plant feelings in my mind and then when I snap out of it I hurt their feelings badly.

I felt bad but I guess I have to realise that I never knew and that I didn't hurt him more by going with it.

We soon became friends again.

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Once I got so depressed that when I was home I stole a knife 🔪 from the kitchen to use to self-harm with.

I had already started using knives to self-harm with, in my stomach so when my big sister found out I had a knife, she got angry and wouldn't leave me alone until I gave her it.

I had started using fish knives to self-harm with at home and I didn't care.

My only regret was not using it to try to end my life.

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At FCRT I felt so low, as I keep saying; I tried killing myself by downing this time.

I ran a bath and tried to drown myself.

I tried several times on different days and they all failed.

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At FCRT someone made a joke that I believed. They said there was a book that was made of people who had successfully killed themselves at FCRT. He said someone had killed themselves by hanging themselves.

This gave me the idea of hanging myself. I even looked up on how to create the write knot.

To make things worse SR practically gave me the idea of hanging myself out of a window.

This made me more determined to kill myself so I stole some rope.