Chapter 1

The Awakening Of Ausra

From getting in the car, to drinking wine, to amazing conversation, a friendship arises. What is unseen, what is not meant to be, all comes at a price, a price worth the fight.

There I was with my best friend, Fenox drinking a little wine, talking about life, goals, dreams. I admit is nice speaking to someone who can hold and guide a conversation. He gets in the shower after a long day of work, I lay in his bed watching a movie and drinking wine. I'm lying in his boxers waiting for him to come back and he does. We lay together I talk about my problems with my child Anex and his father Haniel, which are the least of my worries but the most painful worries. Fenox was falling asleep with all my blabbering, I realize I was being selfish, he made time for me even though he was tired from all the extra hours he worked.

At that moment I looked at Fenox, so peaceful, tired, drained, over worked, and I had never felt so much peace. I thought maybe I'll let him rest, I laid down next to Fenox and told him "come here". I moved Fenox's hand over my shoulder, he followed and climbed on top of me, he looked me in the eyes, he looked as if he was searching for my soul and slowly kissed my lips. In that moment I felt a part of me leaving me and entering him, it felt so good to let go, to be touched, to feel loved, I let a moan go and he responded, "there it is" as if he knew I was holding back. He asks "Ausra what's your last name" I respond "Abaddon" he proceeded to take of my pants and underwear as he enjoyed the view. Before putting on protection he had one more question "do you know what you got yourself into?" My response "I guess I'll find out". As he kissed, touched, and got ready to find out what I feel like inside, a tear came down because that is the moment, I realized, I am in love with my best friend and I couldn't keep him. That feeling just creep in. I've never felt this way, so passionately in love and comfortable. He inserts in me, I've never felt so good, a couple sweeter kisses and I let him take over willingly. Every touch every moment just better than the next, to the moment of when him cumming made me cum in ways I couldn't explain. At the end we clean up and lay down, he falls asleep, as do I without a thought in the world. Morning comes I have to go, I have to pick up my son, Anex, I get dressed put my hair up as he gets ready as well, he stops and looks at me as if he has never seen a woman more beautiful. I start acting weird and leave as if it was the last time I would see him.

I disappear for some time and he moves on, as he deserves to, he finds Ellie, beautiful, kind and educated. I am happy for him and as for me I still couldn't find someone who can make me feel the same. He will always be my best friend, the one I trust, first person I think about in the morning, I was meant to be for a different reason. I am so emotionally connected to life it seems like these days you aren't allowed to want to have children, a family, a simple life. This world is so ugly, and I haven't found reason, the only way I know to fix it is to raise my child to higher standards to not be manipulated and afraid. Might be the tough road filled with pain and sacrifice but is all worth it, money isn't everything, we die with our spirit not the money or the material things but with who we are. For a second it hurts deeply looking at an earth full of lust and greed, I questioned, why was I born in this time I obviously don't belong. The one day I felt ok, was just the creator letting me know there's bigger things ahead and he needs me focused. My love for Fenox is more than a moment, more like inspiration. What's ahead feels strong, I come from work take a shower lay down, is almost as if the creator were speaking to me in my sleep, replaying the same dream, more intense, dreams of Fenox. For a second, I wonder if Fenox could see my dreams, then I grounded myself and noticed I was dreaming too hard.

I started feeling a need to change, one thing my best friend always says, "if you don't like your situation change it", it wondered in my mind. I've never really thought of just being happy, Fenox is the first person to make me feel happy and secure. I didn't feel ready for happiness, I got scared and stop talking to him, it shouldn't be this hard if it is meant to be, I don't know if the feeling is mutual I just know the effect it brought on me. I wondered so deep in thought, very deep in thoughts of Fenox, life, as well as pain, all the sudden it was too quiet, and I felt the pain too much. I kept occupied with work, sports and being a mom. The pain was very overwhelming. I was on a train on my way home and I can see everyone's pain, made me wonder how far humanity has really come. 40 percent of the world's population accounts for 5 percent of the global income, the richest 20 percent accounts for 3 quarters of the world's income. It's so sad we are feeding or starving. Everyone looks dead in their eyes, humanity was been taught to ignore their feelings, to stuff them down, to find love in material things and avoid emotional connections and maybe we'll hurt less. It's bullshit in the beginning of times, there wasn't currency, the creator didn't create currency, the Destroyer did, with the intension that we live in false hope and don't stand up to what we feel. This world is very ugly and we all sit and pretend to be happy into there's nothing left but death. I won't do that, Fenox is right if I don't like my situation, I should change it. I start looking for a different job with a different career as well as start planning to move somewhere I can picture happiness. I want to feel a little closer to home and have a space where I can buy dogs and give them all my love, watch my son grow and live in peace, I can do this.

In the process of change, I finally feel good, maybe all things are possible, maybe Fenox and I can work things out, maybe I can be loved. Time is valuable, I wasted time doing the right things and finding happiness within myself before I made my move, I strongly believe you must find your self-happiness to find love and be able to enjoy the value of time spend with a person. I was too late, Fenox got back with his ex Ellie, I wanted to be selfish, I did, but I can sense this was meant to be and as much as I hurt. At times when it hurt too bad, I thought of the way he made me feel, and I finally felt like I was home, I usually felt like a misplaced piece of a puzzle. I wish pain was easy but at least I didn't lose my friend. I got life on track, new job, new career, and more time to spend with Anex, I got one thing of my list of wants. I closed my eyes and I missed Fenox's warmth, I want to feel home for ever, but I still have too much more to accomplished for Anex. The horror, my series of unfortunate events has left me with no faith in humanity.

Part Two

About Ausra

Imagine a little girl at home with her parents, fishing in a river, petting animals in the farm, watching the stars with her dad, no fear in the world just happiness, no sense of good and bad, just peace. Now imagine mom thinking this world wasn't enough, a new location was better, that having money and luxury are better than family and nature. A big divorce happens and a mother threatened her daughter to anger her dad. It works, is the only way she could get a divorce being that the law was on the dad's side. Imagine the only person that loved you, your grandmother, begging you to stay because of the fear of what happens next, she feels the hate of mom, and you don't look like mom, you look like dad's mom. No one's fault was ahead.

Mom falls in lust with a terrible person, the little girl gets raped repeatedly into mom leaves him and she never told mom because mom would never forgive herself and it would destroy her. The victim protecting the feelings of mom and dad. Picture the crying behind doors, self-hatred and the feeling of unwanted thoughts. Imagine a little girl meeting friends, trusting them getting forced into a house and being lucky enough to run away but she is left with the feeling of disgust. Picture her giving men kind one more chance, then picture her first boyfriend who she trusted tried to rape her, her fighting him off and running off, the feeling of her losing her breath thinking, why does this keep happening to her. Picture a teenager fighting in school because girls hate that guys want her, but they only want her because she's not interested. Picture finally making a friend and not telling her nothing about yourself because it's too much to handle. Picture her meeting another guy, treats her like his princess calls her his princess, valentine's day he gets her a teddy bear, flowers and candy. Her friend is in an apartment with her boyfriend, the teenager is in the hallway with her new guy friend and he tries to rape her, again she fights him off almost loses then yells. Her friend and her friend's boyfriend come out and she gets saved 1 more time the teenager and her friend run. She starts breathing hard her friend holds her, her friend's boyfriend fights him off as they run. Picture her fighting the friend that held her in her time of need for bullying her childhood friend for being smart.

The teenager moves on with her head up high and makes another friend who's crush falls in love with her, but the teenager doesn't want him. Picture the teenager's friend hating her and fighting her, even though the teenager turned him down. Picture the feel of a cold world now, no friends, just her. Then imagen her meeting another friend and turning lesbian because she thinks all men are the same, they just want to force themselves on her and spread rumors about her. As female, females are always the one to blame in societies eyes. Imagine running away with your friend due to the reason her drunk dad won't rape her while her mom was gone. Fighting for her and protecting her, only to fail, because one day the teenage girl's mom had enough, the teenage girl's family started spreading rumors that she was a whore, but the teenager and her best friend run away so that her best friend would be safe. Imagine her mom the ones feelings she had been protecting telling her she doesn't want her no more, that she is nothing but a problem and she doesn't love her. Imagine sitting in a cop car cuffed when she isn't dangerous, trying not to cry because the last person on earth she counted on betrayed her. Imagine being put into a system where she meets someone who understands her. She turns lesbian and has sex with a girl. This girl protects her but she also feels the same things the teenage girl feels. The teenager gets put in a home her girlfriend gets put in a permanent group home. The teenager traveled to see her, she proposes, she was engaged. The teenager's dad threatened her mom to get her back and she does. Her dad asks her to move in with her uncle and he'll bring her back home every summer. As she packs her bags at her mother's house she can't go. She can't trust her uncle because every man that crossed her path was not to be trusted, so she stays. Imagine her breaking up with her fiancée so she doesn't see her self-destruct. Imagine her meeting the first guy who wouldn't give up on her, who she ignored but he wouldn't let her go. After a year she gives him a chance, she fights for him, he fights for her. On the first day she finally let him have her, he fights for her and she was scared to lose him, 100 people fighting in the middle of the street, he almost gets hit in the head with a bottle she runs and punch the guy in the face, everyone is now staring at her and to protect her he yells at his best friend to grab her and take her home. His best friends put her on his shoulders takes her home and she is scared this is the last day she would see him. Imagine her being loved and safe for 3 years with a man who knows everything about her and her about him, keeping his secrets and fighting each other's wars. Imagine her almost dying in the hands of my man that protected her and the only thing that saved her was yelling "look at me in the eyes if you're going to take my life". Imagine him letting her go and her best friend crying. Imagine still living. Imagine her having to leave the one person she didn't want to live without. Imagine her soul growing cold.

A friend comes along, one that protects her, she has a child with this man and then it ends. She was raising a child in bad conditions, but she vow to protect him from the world. Imagine her not feeling in control for one second and picturing her kid living the life she did. Imagine her giving him to the dad and swallowing the pills, now she is in the hospital everyone telling her, she was the worst and to end her life. Imagine her coming out the hospital getting her child back and promising she will never do anything stupid like that again. She gets a job, she changes her ways, she stops fighting, everything for her child to live happy. Imagine her failing, not getting promoted because she is female and from another land. She goes back to school to get a degree and can't find a job because she is a female and it's a male career. She still doesn't give up, she gets another career, where she gets jobs but was constantly undermined and sexually harassed. Imagine her working and going to college, always being told she wasn't good enough by her teachers, fighting pass that and continuing college. Imagine her getting into another bad relationship, saying no on the first hit, fighting back, almost dying in her own home, walking down the street with burn marks, bruises and tears in her eyes. No one helps her, no one ask what's wrong with her, no one cares. Like it's normal, imagine her praying for death to come get her.

Imagine her continuing her studies with injuries, imagine her rent is overdue and her body is in pain. Imagine her putting make up on her face, taking a leave of absence in college and getting a full-time job to get her bills in order. She gets up, she studies to get a job that can pay her student loans, she gets turned down after she passed all the exams because her recommendation letter wasn't good enough, she wasted her time, she got kicked out of college. Imagine her nightmares of punches and burn marks as well as waking up late nights crying uncomfortable calling her friend that calms her down. She trusted him and he breaks her heart. Imagine her ex who forced her to abort a child she wanted because it wasn't his, but he lied and deceived her, by the time she found out it was too late. Imagine her saving his life by not telling the dad so he wouldn't kill him. Imagine him asking her for help and making her seem like the bad one for walking away. Imagine her being lied to about her work hours just to fill a position, having arguments with her family because of work, pretending to be ok but trying to figure out what's next and how she was going to fix it this time. Now imagine being Ausra in her best friend's arms getting kissed and for the first time in a long time feeling no stress, no fear, no doubt.

Imagine Ausra just wanting Fenox to be happy and not to have to deal with those scars. One day she could care less if the whole world ends and the next day someone proves to her there's good people on earth. Not many but all she needed was one. Imagine her telling him everything, he understands her, the only person on earth that can look at her in the eyes and understand her. He understands she's just a woman with deep scars who overcame a cold world and still gets up every morning hit after hit and tries to make it a better day.

I am Ausra and this is the beginning of my story. I must warn you there are no happy endings in my world. A happy ending for the world but not for me. If you are looking for a love story put the book down right now. I live in a world were 1 percent of people can find love, fight through their problems and be there for one another. Picture me closing my eyes and starting a new chapter.

Chapter 1 Inspired By: 3 Doors Down - Let Me Go.