Kabanata 17.1

Dear Diary,

It's almost a month again bago ako nakapagsulat. Masyado kasing busy ngayon eh, and now ko lang naisipan na magsulat dahil may unti-unting nagbabago sa akin.

I feel like not going to school anymore.

I am already earning money, so why should I go to school? Pero hindi ako pinapayagan ni mama kahit na isa akong encoder sa isang kompanya dito sa city. Malaki kasi ang sinusweldo ko, enough for me to buy everything that I want except for really expensive items. And I am having fun earning money as I work hard for it.

Sobra akong natutuwa to the point na malapit na ang pasukan ay hindi pa rin ako nakakapag-enroll. Siyempre nagalit si mama and I understand her. Sino ba naman ang magulang na gustong makita ang anak niyang ayaw ng ituloy ang pag-aaral, diba?

Pero wala pa kasi ako napipili na eskwelahan na pwede kong mapasukan kasi busy pa talaga ako sa work. Ayos lang naman daw sa kompanya na mag-part-time ako in case na bumalik ako ng school. Pero kung maging part-timer na lang ako, hindi ba't babawas ang sweldo ko?

May binabayaran pa kaming utang, we still need to pay our bills. Yes, may binibigay din na pera ang mga kapatid ko pero it's not enough para mabayaran lahat ng utang sa bangko, sa lupang installment ang pagbayad namin, at sa past tuition fee balance ko.

How can I still go to school with that big problem behind my back? How will I be able to focus in school if my mind wanders off to the debts we still need to pay? I couldn't even focus in class back in my high school days, I kept being absent in school, what more in college?

But of course, mom wouldn't let me win. Ayaw ko naman na ma-high-blood siya kaya sinunod ko na lang, delikado pati ang karamdaman niya kapag sobra-sobrang galit ang nararamdaman.

That's why I told her to just wait and I'll handle everything. Na kailangan niya lang kumalma at magtiwala sa akin dahil babalik pa ako ng school. Though kumalma si mama, pero wala na talaga akong balak pumasok ng school. Gusto ko muna bayaran lahat bago ko ipagpatuloy ang pag-aaral.

Kasi every time I look at my classmates, I always wonder how are they surviving? My mom doesn't have a job, my classmates' moms have their own jobs and businesses. How will I survive if I depend on my jobless mom? Gusto ko sana siyang pabalikin sa pag-aaral or kahit TESDA man lang pero nakikita kong mas focus siya sa pwedeng mawala sa amin oras na lagi siyang wala dito sa bahay.

My stupid-of-a-father might probably throw us out of the house without my mom's knowledge. That can happen, but as far as my mom is inside the house, my demonic father can't touch anything.

Kaya nga kailangan kong mag-overtime lagi para mabilis kong bayaran ang lahat. Sana after 2 years mabayaran na lahat, at sana hindi rin ako tamarin.