Kabanata 19

Dear Diary,

6 months have passed since I've started working, and also study which made my mother happy. But as time moves clockwise and life keeps continuing to move forward, it gets harder each and every day I wake up.

Since I'm already in college, gusto kong ipakita sa lahat kung ano talaga ang paguugali ko. Of course lumayo ang mga kaklase ko dahil sino ba naman ang may gustong makasama ang isang negative at KJ na tulad ko? Although may dalawang nag-stay, hindi pa rin ako sure kung totoo sila sa akin.

But I do know is that I share everything to them, except infos regarding my crushes and my high school life, just the family problem. And it went pretty bad.

Sina May and Jennie ang lagi kong kasama sa school. Obviously lahat kami ay Journalism ang course. Upon sharing my family problem, sinabi nila sa akin na hindi dapat ako nagtatrabaho at hindi ganito ang sitwasyon ko. Na dapat buhay estudyante pa rin ako at hindi ganitong nahihirapan.

I didn't know how to react, although it made me happy because they show their concern for me. Pero may something sa feeling na iyon ang hindi ko ma-explain. At hula ko ay ang pagkakaroon ng katanungan sa aking isipan na, "Shouldn't they be proud of me as a working student because multi-tasking is the hard part of time management?".

Minsan nakukuha ko sa bahay ang sagot sa katanungan ko, kasi they low-key show that they're proud of me being a part-time student. I receive advices from my mom that I shouldn't quit work because I wouldn't be able to study, use the electricity and water in the house if I stop working.

And that made me feel burdened which then made me realize what May and Jennie has been telling me.

Sobrang hirap kapag ganyan ang naririnig mo on both sides. How will I be motivated kung ganiyang klase na environment ang kinabibilangan ko? I mean, am I not allowed to be away of the burden I already know from the start? Am I not allowed to experience this kind of maturity at the age of 16? I'm still turning 17 this coming month of December.

Gusto kong maranasan ang lahat ng nararanasan nina May and Jennie, the life of a stress-free student with only school paperworks they could think of when they go home. Sadly, I need to be this kind of person para makapagtapos at mag-survive sa mundong ito.

My mom isn't get any younger, I really want to finish college already so that I can give her the life she deserves and separate from my family permanently.

Plano ko kasing bumukod sa kanila and just send money to them. Kung ganito lang naman kasi ang environment na uuwian ko sa bahay, always reminding me of the burden of the family instead of just letting me have fun working, paying the bills, experience school while it lasts, and buy something nice for me if I still have extra without giving constant reminders about anything because fact-check, I still have my own eyes, ears and brain.

Alam ko ang lahat ng obligasyong iniwan ng demonyo kong ama sa amin nang sumama na siya sa kabit niya. Alam ko lahat ng obligasyong dapat demonyo kong ama ang magbayad niyon. Alam ko lahat ng iyon. Pero nakakawalang gana lang talaga kapag lagi mo na lang naririnig ang paulit-ulit na problema na matagal mo ng alam.

Gusto ko na lang talaga magtrabaho, itigil ang pag-aaral at lumayo sa pamilya ko. Pero hindi ko magawa dahil alam kong hindi kakayanin ng suweldo ko ang mag-renta, bayaran ang tuition fee at other expenses na kinakailangan ko for school and my daily needs. That's why I have to stay in this fucked up house.

Sometimes I really just want to sleep and never wake up again. I want to be sleeping beauty right now, but that's being immature of me of running away from my responsibilities since I am a part of this family. I am being a coward, and I hate it.

Bakit kasi puro na lang pangako ang mga lalake? Gawa sila ng gawa ng anak tapos sa huli libog lang pala ang pipiliin nila. Sana lalake na lang ang pokpok sa mundo at hindi mga babae, mas maganda pa sana ang buhay. Kasi kung babae ang nangunguna sa mundo, when it comes to maturity according to psychology, mas mabilis mag-mature ang mga babae kaysa lalake.

Bakit kasi hindi marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan ang mga taong akala mo'y nakaangat na sa buhay porke marami ang hawak na pera?

Oo nga naman, basta gahaman nakakalimutan na ang lahat. Kinakalimutan na ang lahat para lang sa pansariling kagustuhan. I hate boys prioritizing their dicks above all else.