Heart Full of Sorrows

Hearing those words come out from my mouth surprised her as much as I was. In my entire life, I've never tried saying words of affirmation towards anyone, but tonight, I senselessly brought myself to say it to a girl I've only met today and it's odd cause as a man filled with wrath and sorrow, I'd never be able to say those kind of words to anyone or anything, not even to myself.

Her eyes were locked onto mine, shock crossed her face and her mouth dropping open slightly. The atmosphere was tense and nerve-racking, I couldn't help it anymore, so I turned away from her and took four steps backward. I took a breather, clearing my throat and acting as if I didn't feel awkward about what I had said earlier. My heart was palpitating, I couldn't think clearly and I avoided her eye contacts.

"It's getting late.." she uttered, pointing to the room. "and we have school tomorrow, so we should be sleeping by now.."

I nodded, "Oh, right. Go ahead, I'll follow."

She gave a timid smile, walking ahead of me. As soon as she went out of my sight, I hid my face in my hands and began to have tense muscles, my face and chest began to feel hot and I had trouble catching my breath. I slapped my face left and right then leisurely walked into the room as if I had the confidence to. Upon entering the room, Emily was already fast asleep. I slowly closed the glass door behind me, trying not to make any noise.

Before I approached my bed, I leaned on the wall as I admire her sleeping. My heart may not admit it, but she's really the most beautiful girl I've came across although, her attitude doesn't fit that well, it's something she can work on and improve. I'm not falling for her, but I'm impressed that girls like her still exists and I think that's something that guys should cherish and be grateful for because life doesn't bless you twice with a good woman. There's one thing I learned about women, they will do everything to keep you from leaving, but once they leave, I assure you, they are never coming back.

The problem is that when we get what we want, we get too complacent and forget that we can lose this valuable anytime and anywhere if we do not acknowledge it anymore. We hinder from exerting time and effort for someone or something and then later on have regrets when it has left you. This is something we should work on ourselves, we shouldn't get too confident once we achieve all our goals, we should persistently strive to keep these valuables alive and kicking.

In relation to courting, courting a woman should not stop when they've answered you. Do what you did in the beginning of a relationship and there won't be an end, that's a quote my grandfather told me once. He learned it from Anthony Robbins and honestly, that's a great quote for someone who'll easily give up on relationships. I'm not an expert on this, but it's something you can understand and learn in the long run. I remember my grandfather would just talk about these things casually and I'll be sitting there in confusion cause I never asked to be lectured. There are certain times when it kind of gets annoying, but I got used to it.

I realized that I've been staring at Emily for too long, so I walked over to my space and flopped on my bed then I turned to her and saw that she didn't have a blanket, so I grabbed a spare one from my duffel bag. I unfolded the blanket, walking over to her and gently wrapping her with it.

I whispered, "Good night, Emily."

I returned back to my bed and laid down on it, staring at the ceiling. Tonight, a lot of musical ideas ran through my mind, but I don't know if I'll be able to fulfill these ideas considering that I am just trying to get back with music because of our university. I was titled as the university's musician, so I have to really start creating songs in any genre. Music is slowly turning into a hobby and i hate the thought of it cause it had been a passion for me ever since I was a kid. Hobby and passion are two different things, but a lot of people think it's the same.

Hobby is something you do outside of your regular occupation in hopes of experiencing relaxation, while passion is something you love, an overwhelming feeling of devotion and obsession, it's not a relaxing state for us. I guess abandoning music for a couple of years changed a huge part of myself. Music used to be a huge part of myself, something I've always wished to be great at, but now it has been seen as something I don't devote my time and effort to anymore. My youtube channel is even rotting right now, but some people managed to discover it and are still expecting for my return, I'm feeling bad for them cause I can't reassure them about my return and it's painful for them knowing that I left without saying anything.

I have lots of pending songs back in the studio and I never released them cause I don't see a point in those songs and most of them are old and unfinished songs stuck in a decaying lyric book given by my mother. Honestly, if I didn't have this much wrath for my mother and if I wasn't the fruit of a broken family, I wouldn't be like this. I'd be so happy right now, enjoying and exploring music like a map, a travel destination, but the odds were just against my life. Until now, I still don't get it, I don't understand why I deserve all of these pain I'm feeling right now, I don't know how to get rid of it off my chest, aside from pushing everybody away. Every single day, I try to return to my old roots, but I seem to fail at it, the only thing that remains constant is the sorrows and pain a loved one left me a long time ago, eleven years ago to be precise.

Tell me, how much pain do I have to go through until giving up is okay?